Ramblings of a wannabe sage

The Other Boleyn Girl?

2008-06-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what that movie's all about, but I'm fairly sure that it's plot is vastly different than that of which I write tonight. But 1) A catchy title really draws in the crowd, doesn't it? and 2) Since when have my titles even resembled rational thoughts?

So, for a year and a half now I've been dating an amazing and wonderful gal, we're moving in together in September (MASSIVE step for the commitment-phobe that some of you may know me to be), and, in general, things're cool. Every once in a while, however, small hurdles come up (as they tend to in relationships), and they must be crossed. (I'd like to disclaim that they are, in fact, small hurdles, and that overall we're probably the healthiest relationship I've ever witnessed, much less been a part of.) This particular hurdle involves my girlfriend's best friend, "Gretchen."

Myself, my girlfriend, Gretchen and her fiance, and a smattering of other people all play D&D regularly (as you might have gathered from previous posts). The first four of that list sort of represent the core group; we all play in all the games, and the four of us hang out with each other with relative frequency even when we're not playing. We're a pretty tight-knit foursome. The trouble is that Gretchen's fiance and my girlfriend have expressed twinges of jealousy at how close of friends Gretchen and I have become.

Now, years and years ago, in a galaxy not too far from one that's close to this one, my good friend "May" and I were quite the eccentric couple of friends. She and I had a sibling-like relationship, one that consisted of constant screwing with each other, trying to one-up each other, searching for creative put-downs, etc. We were close, we had fun with each other, and everyone we encountered asked how long we'd been dating. Without exception, every single person assumed we were going out.

Back to Gretchen. Since May's moved away, I don't see her that much anymore. (I saw her for a half-hour over my lunch break since christmas...) Although Gretchen is by no means May's replacement (I'd never presume that either one was replaceable), I've developed a friendship with her similar to the one that I had with May. Playful-degrading banter, mock-hatred, just... sibling bickering is the only real way to describe it. Now, if Gretchen and I give off even half the vibe that May and I did, I can understand how my girlfriend and Gretchen's fiance could be jealous of that. I get it, I do. The question is, what am I supposed to do about it?

Now, my g/f hasn't told me not to talk to Gretchen or anything like that; she knows we're just friends, etc and so-forth. But I understand her feelings of jealousy, and I will in no way jeopardize the relationship I have with my girlfriend; I've never met anyone like her, nor do I expect I ever will again. She's perfect for me, in all aspects. But I've gotten close with Gretchen; I consider her a good friend. (Incidentally, I consider Gretchen's fiance a good friend too; he just doesn't talk (or, more appropriately, text) as often as his soon-to-be-wife does.) So where's the compromise? How do I respect my girlfriend's feelings, without blowing-off a friend? Any thoughts? Anyone? ... Hello? ...

...

I know you're out there... I can hear you breathing...

Same Ol'

2008-05-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

Today at work e-conversation of religion stirred up what had been my passion not more than a few years ago. Although I don't have the original document to cut and paste, I'm sure you can infer from my answers what was said (or, at least, where I myself stand).

Firstly, I'm quite interested in the statistic that only 6% of all wars were started because of religion. (And that half of those were started by Muslims? I think the mulitple Crusades put the Christians way ahead on the number of wars-started...) Where did that statistic originate? What sets of data were compiled to form it? What definition of "war" is it using? What definition of "religion"? Perhaps more to the point, the issue is less about how many wars were started by religion, but rather how many people have been killed because of religion. Even if the statistic is accurate and unbiased (unlikely, given amount of unrecorded history that exists), if 6% of all wars resulted in 70% of all deaths due to war, than the statistic is misleading.

I think that highlights a crucial point: You can't blindly accept as truth the things you read, you hear, or are told, no matter the source. Although Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John all tell essentially the same story, there is no question that variances, and even different editorial themes, occur between them. This is because each was speaking to a different audience, and each had slightly different aims. You have to consider where the information originated from; you must consider the circumstances around it. And in a document as old as the bible, you must consider editor changes, mistranslations, and the goals of the authors. What harm is there in probing deeper and asking questions? If the thing in which you believe is really "true," then you will have affirmed your belief. But if it is not…? Blind faith can only make a person succeptible to untruth.

The commonly-quoted phrase is actually (depending on your translation): "I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man can come to the father but through me." There's two interesting tidbits about that sentence that most people using it tend to overlook. The first is that the word "belief" is absent. The sentence, taken at face value, says that it is through Jesus' grace, not the belief therein, that saves us. Perhaps more importantly, think closely about the first half of the sentence. "Am" is a form of the verb "to be," which has several meanings. Feel free to look them up, but it's fairly obvious that only one makes sense in the way Jesus uses the term: Equivocation. Jesus is not a member of a group of "ways", nor is "truth" the name his friends called him. He is the way, truth, and life. But in that regard, the way, truth, and life likewise are Jesus; if this understanding is not what he mean, he could've simply said the second half of the sentence. The fact that he said both puts a new spin on the quote, whereby it means that no one can get to God except by means of the way, the truth, and the life. And if you compare the various major religions of the world, I think you'll find that they all offer common insight into what exactly that entails.

An analogy was posed with the assertion that knowing a painter exists upon seeing a painting means we should know that a creator of the universe exists, but that is an inaccurate comparison. Many of us have seen a painter in action, if not done the painting ourselves. But, to date, no one I know has witnessed the universe being created, nor are there any who can comment on the complexities of what happened "before" time. As such, we have no logical basis to believe that something outside of existence created existence. But even if we presume that the painting/painter analogy is applicable, there is a massive difference between knowing there is a painter, and knowing the painter. Even if creation implies a creator, it speaks nothing concrete of his personality, his agenda, his desires, or any other facet of his existence. Those who claim otherwise often quote texts that they assert, perhaps comically, speak the truth because the text itself dictates that it speaks the truth. (A brief side note about feeling wrong inside when you break the tend commandments: when was the last time you felt bad because you thought someone had a nice car? That's number 10, desiring another's posessions, but I feel no remorse for something like that.)

The fact is that God's existence, like the love we have for the special people in our lives, cannot be proved, nor can it be disproved. It exists for those who experience it, and those who do not can choose to seek it or choose to ignore it. Likewise, one religion cannot be proven "right" above the others; any evidence thus is derived from a book that self-claims to be accurate. Now, I know that God exists just as I know my mother loves me. It is not faith; it's knowledge. But I do not presume to think that knowing his existence means I can even begin to understand him. He is so far beyond human ken that simply to speak of him is to place limits upon his nature; to claim that he is something means that there is something he is not. God is not limited to how he can affect people, nor to whom he may appear. If he wants to reach someone, he doesn't need a book to do it, and if someone doesn't want to be reached, they can read the same book all they want and accomplish nothing. I am loosely Christian because I believe that God's nature is forgiving, but that is more a matter of intuition than something that an "infallible text" has taught me.

Serve Others

2008-04-12T06:45:00.001-07:00

That's been my mantra of late. Well, it's my attempted mantra. It's hard to "serve" the jackass who's swerving like an idiot on the highway, or the customer who's being ignorant to a coworker. People are shit. How the hell did Jesus do it? I mean, the man didn't just die for the people he liked; he died for assholes and ignoramouses alike. (Okay, YOU spell ignoramouses...) I reckon that's why he's God, and I'm not. Lol if I were god, there'd be a lot of sudden, unexplained deaths happening during rush-hour traffic. But taking that phrase as a mantra is my effort to get back to the compassionate person that I have a distinct memory of once being, before my experiences with others of my race began to harden and jade me. At some point, I developed a pretty short fuse when it comes to dealing with people that are douchebags, and I need to get over that, 'cause the short fuse is gradually spreading to all areas of my life.

On a similar topic is, despite having been in a relationship for coming up on a year and a half, I still have difficulty finding the middle ground between serving the love of my life, and being true to myself. Recent example is that I want so much to make her happy, to absolve her life of whatever difficulties it may contain, that I almost did something that I really didn't want to do; something that, really, would have been a pretty ignorant thing. Where is the line between wanting to take care of the one you love, versus maintaining your individuality? I haven't gotten my brain around that yet. I mean, I must be doing an okay job of walking that line, though, because for the most part I feel like I'm still the same person I was when I started dating her (perhaps more willing to share my life now though), and she certainly seems happy enough with how I treat her. Maybe there is no precise "here" point between the two extremes? Maybe the best you can do is take situations as the come, and decide individually if they're "sacrifice for the other" situations or if they're "stick to my guns" situations. I'll let you know if I figure it out.

Eulogy

2008-04-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

Aunt Pat asked me to deliver the Eulogy for her today, and before I get to the part she wrote, there’s a short dialogue I’d like to read that I think is appropriate. The scene is one of battle, of two friends, one a veteran warrior and the other inexperienced, as they stand by each other as the enemy beats-down their defenses. The first sentence is spoken by the younger, untested man.

P: I didn’t think it would end this way.
G: End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path… One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass… And then you see it.
P: What? …see what?
G: White shores… and beyond, a far green country, under a swift sunrise.
P: Well, that isn’t so bad.
G: No… No, it isn’t.

On June 11th, 1924, Clifford Thompson Sr. was born. He was an angel, sent by God, but he never knew it. He was the youngest of four children, and looked exactly like his mom. More than that, he also seems to have inherited his loving nature from her, as he always said that she had a good heart and took care of her brothers and family the best that she could. At the age of 18, he joined our country’s military; During World War II, he was shot and captured in the Battle of Anzio, and spent 18 months as a prisoner of war. He rarely spoke of that time, except to a young man in the 5th grade who interviewed him about it; he hopes that interview will be read today.
Though Cliff undoubtedly endured hell in his 18 months in a POW camp, it only served to make him an even more compassionate and loving man than he’d already been. While he was held prisoner, his mother passed-away. This hurt Cliff to no end, and it was 60 years later that he finally achieved some degree of peace of mind by buying her a headstone.
He worked on the railroad for 34 years, during which time he worked hard to earn a living and provide for his family. When Pat met him, she said was the most respectful, decent, honest person she ever known. It seemed, according to her, that he “made it feel like Christmas even when things went wrong.” She considered him to be her own personal “knight in shining armor,” and they wed in 1987. The happiest day of her life was when she looked into his eyes at their wedding and he said “til death parts us.”
Cliff never felt he was a hero, even with all his medals. He never thought he was special. He never wanted riches. He only wanted to make others happy, either with special Christmas’ at his house, or just by helping those in need if he could. He loved everyone, but he swore that if anyone hurt Pat, he would ask God to let him come back and pay them their dues. So passionate was that thought, he actually requested, to many people, that it be said at his funeral.
Whether from his mother, his time as a POW, his nature, or just the life he chose to live, there can be no doubts that Cliff was a man of boundless love and compassion. If you hurt, Cliff hurt. And although he was an obsessive worrier, the last thing he wanted his wife Pat to know is that he loved her and all the family with all his heart.
He may not have believed he was a hero. He may have forgotten that he was an angel. But he’d’ve earned those titles even if he hadn’t fought in the war; God sent him to Pat to be her hero. He was her angel. And he was so brave that even unto his last breath, he cared only for her. And that is the greatest blessing that she could receive, for if someone had Cliff’s love and respect, they were loved as God loves, by a love that survives even death. And because of the strength of that love, I have no doubt that when we see him again, on those white shores, by that green countryside, he’ll be smiling, and sitting upon a white horse, with the sunrise glinting off of his silver armor.

PS

2008-04-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

I find it entertaining that my post in august said that I don't whine as much any more, which must mean I'm growing up. And then in my post from five minutes ago I bitch about having to wake up early. Ah, well; the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Success!

2008-04-02T20:27:00.001-07:00

After almost a half-hour of attempts, I finally remembered how the hell to sign into this damn thing! I was talking with a fairly new friend of mine yesterday, and she was completely unaware that I'd ever had a blog. That made me sad, so I told her where it was, then I started reading it, and thought, "Damn, I don't post on there nearly as much as I used to." So here I am.

A lot's changed since August of '07, and most (if not all) is for the better. I'm in such a happier place now than I was 6 months ago. I'm infinitely more comfortable with my girlfriend, we're planning to move out together in september, I'm happy with my job and doing well at it, I'll probably be going to grad school within a year (on the company's dime, no less), and (lol it's kinda sad that this makes the list) I'm role-playing like nobody's biz. I'm running a pretty solid campaign that's been going on for over a year now (both in real life as well as in-game time), and I think I've done a decent job of making it feel realistic as evidenced by the fact that one of my players (my girlfriend) cried last time when one of the other characters died. That's realism.

Anyhoozy, it's late now, and I need to get to bed. That's one thing I haven't gotten used to, even after 1+ year at this place: I hate, hate HATE getting up early. But, such is life; never perfect, eh what? Sleep well everyone; you should be hearing more from me soon.

Wowzers

2007-08-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

I don't write here much anymore, huh? Still, I like to come back and read things and remember past times of my life. That's the main reason I started this blog, actually; so I could look back on the times of my past and remember where I came from.

Life is pretty good these days. I have a great girlfriend (the fact of which I refuse to allow to intimidate me). I have a good job at a great company that I'm doing really well at. I've proven to be a kick-ass DM, and I'm dying to get to do it again. As my last post commented, I let some of my players DM for the past few months, and when that's coupled with various scheduling conflicts due to summer vacations and such, I haven't personally DMed for months now, and I have all sorts of ideas and plots bubbling within me. I'm working on turning the adventures we've already played into a book; thus far I've written 26 pages, and I'm not even through two adventures yet. (I've gotten decent reviews from the two people who've gotten back to me.) I went to confession yesterday for the first time in God-knows how many years. Things are good.

I guess I wanted to write that out because so much of my past postings seem turbulent, or whiney, that I wanted to get one up here that was all good stuff. I guess I have a thing or two that I could gripe about, but I won't, 'cause it's all minor. And I think that's a sign that I'm finally growing up. Huzzah!

Wow, 2 months

2007-05-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

That's how long it's been since I've gotten to post here. Life has been hectic. It makes a big difference, switching from working 20 hours to working 40. I guess that makes sense, but I never really thought about it. I feel as though my free time is virtually non-existent.

What time I do have to myself is a mad-cap effort to juggle role-playing, martial arts, spending time with my girlfriend, keeping up with my friends, the occasional TV, and the even more occasional time to myself. Role-playing has largely consumed my world, and I'm fortunate that Siddy likes it too, because that eliminates at least one contest for my time. I'm playing pretty much every week these days (one group in bel air that I play in, and one in towson that I run), and a chunk of the weeks in between is spent working on the adventure for the towson group. I'm actually going to let some of those players guest-DM for the next few months, partially to give the newbs some experience at it, but mostly to rest my creative juices. To be honest though, I'm not sure how well that'll take. I've spent so much time lately on RP stuff, that I'm not sure what I'll do when I have a break. We'll see.

I talked to my brother about trying to save up and buy a house together by his 21st; that's about 1.5 years away, and I think we could do it. He and I probably wouldn't be the best of roommates, but I can't think of anyone else offhand, and we are blood. I wouldn't want to live with a stranger either. So, we'll see how that goes. I need to get out of the house, but rent is ridiculous these days, and mortgages are worse. I don't know how people do it. Even if all of my existing bills were paid-off, I'd barely be able to afford living on my own.

I'm hoping to transfer to the forest hill branch when it opens in the fall; that should help a bit timewise, even if it's only in being able to get to martial arts sooner. Of course, I'm (theoretically) starting classes towards a business degree at towson in the fall, so there goes that extra bit of time. I guess this is growing up. I don't like it.

A conversation

2007-02-25T12:48:00.001-08:00

LAST NIGHT

"l've lost my heart along with my mind... John you were a great friend and I love you as a friend and Sally is great for you."

"Were?" I still AM a great friend! Right?

I am, were, or was... I am going to be nothing.

Why aren't you going to be anything? I'm confused...

I hate my life so much

Why? Cuz of Tim? Please. He's been no good to you since the outset.

No he adds to it but it's more than him.

Well then make a change sweety. You have the power to make your life better. And you always have me here to help too.

THIS MORNING

What was the outset?

The outset of what?

I don't know you wrote it about Tim? I was re-reading the texts I'm so sorry I was real drunk. lol I was not thinking clearly.

I wrote WHAT about Tim? You're not making any sense... are you STILL drunk?

lol I don't fuckin' know anymore egh nevermind. But last night was awesome. Tim and I had sex for 2 hours straight the prolonged orgasm was phenominal.

That's wonderful. Thanks for making me fear for your life last night only to tell me you're still fucking the guy that's fucking you over. That's just... yeah, thanks. Whatever.

I'm sorry; I wasn't suicidal last night. I was upset about my future; meg hurt my feelings by saying there's no way UMDCP will accept me. It was a low blow and I was angry and drunk thinking that I'm not good enough. Bad combo.

You said you lost your heart and mind. That I "was" a good friend. That you didn't have a future. That you hated your life, and Tim added to that hate. Whatever.

Nothing was directed at Tim. I was with him at his school.

I've lost my heart; my mind is so back and forth and here and there; it's lost and last night I felt like I was nothing cuz meg made me feel like shit.

Yeah? If you were with Tim all night, why didn't you talk to HIM about how miserable you felt? Oh, right. He just uses you for sex and probably wouldn't really care. How healthy for you.

He doesn't use me for sex! If that's all he wanted he'd find an easier fuck at his school with no strings attached! It's more and he told me!

Sure he did. Tim used you from the outset. But keep on believing him. I'm not gonna stress myself out with concern for your happiness when you're clearly fine being Amber.

He doesn't use me! He can't leave me cuz he loves me and wants to be with me and the same for me. How is that using?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T TREAT SOMEONE YOU LOVE THE WAY HE TREATS YOU!!! Jesus Christ, Betty! He kissed his ex, said he didn't care if you came down for vday, and ignores you til he wants to fuck you! THAT ISN'T LOVE!!!! And you KNOW it isn't cuz you said last night how good Sally was for me! You know that's how things SHOULD be; NOT how they are with you and Tim!

Betty, Tim IS using you, and very badly too. But if you can't see it on your own, then nothing I can say will make you see it. I'm sorry that I can't open your eyes.

You fucking used Sally twice! And now you realize her worth to you; how are you any different from Tim? It took a year and another go-around fuck to make you stop using her.

You have nothing to say to that? The only diff with you is Tim knows he loves me and wants to be with me but is scared. You took a year to realize while Sally stayed in love with you hoping; I'm staying in love and hoping. Sally allowed you to use her John that was her only way to get you back. How is my strategy any different?

First difference? I HURT her, ONCE. I didn't USE her REPEATEDLY. More importantly, I've been trying to make it up to her ever since. Tim STILL treats you like an inconvenience. I stopped talking to my ex for Sally; Tim went to his ex's new year's party and kissed her rather than be with you. I went out of my way to make Sally's vday special and romantic; Tim didn't care if he saw you or not. Don't EVER compare me to that asshole piece of shit again, because a mistake is all we have in common. We REACTED differently.

The difference is you realize it now and are making up for it. Tim hasn't realized it yet. And it took you a year to realize so Tim's not far behind. And he knows he's wrong; he doesn't deny it. He shows his guilt well when we're together. We're not a couple and that my problem; I want him to treat me like we are but he isn't.

I'm done with this. Sally wasn't up my ass the year we were apart. She got hurt, but I never mistreated her. The ONLY thing even CLOSE to being the same is that you and Sally got hurt. But she got hurt once, and you have over and over. And if I hurt her again, she'd be gone. But you can't understand that concept, can you? No, you just go right on believing your fairy tale. I am SHAKING with rage right now, and the only reason I'm not calling is my throat hurts. NEVER compare me to him again.

Tim loves me and wants to be with me; if he didn't he wouldn't still be here. You didn't love her you left her alone. He won't leave me alone.

A conversation

2007-02-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

"l've lost my heart along with my mind... John you were a great friend and I love you as a friend and Sally is great for you."

"Were?" I still AM a great friend! Right?

I am, were, or was... I am going to be nothing.

Why aren't you going to be anything? I'm confused...

I hate my life so much

Why? Cuz of Tim? Please. He's been no good to you since the outset.

No he adds to it but it's more than him.

Well then make a change sweety. You have the power to make your life better. And you always have me here to help too.

What was the outset?

The outset of what?

I don't know you wrote it about Tim? I was re-reading the texts I'm so sorry I was real drunk. lol I was not thinking clearly.

I wrote WHAT about Tim? You're not making any sense... are you STILL drunk?

lol I don't fuckin' know anymore egh nevermind. But last night was awesome. Tim and I had sex for 2 hours straight the prolonged orgasm was phenominal.

That's wonderful. Thanks for making me fear for your life last night only to tell me you're still fucking the guy that's fucking you over. That's just... yeah, thanks. Whatever.

You said you lost your heart and mind. That I "was" a good friend. That you didn't have a future. That you hated your life, and Tim added to that hate. Whatever.

Nothing was directed at Tim. I was with him at his school.

I've lost my heart; my mind is so back and forth and here and there; it's lost and last night I felt like I was nothing cuz meg made me feel like shit.

Yeah? If you were with Tim all night, why didn't you talk to HIM about how miserable you felt? Oh, right. He just uses you for sex and probably wouldn't really care. How healthy for you.

He doesn't use me for sex! If that's all he wanted he'd find an easier fuck at his school with no strings attached! It's more and he told me!

Sure he did. Tim used you from the outset. But keep on believing him. I'm not gonna stress myself out with concern for your happiness when you're clearly fine being Amber.

He doesn't use me! He can't leave me cuz he loves me and wants to be with me and the same for me. How is that using?

Betty, Tim IS using you, and very badly too. But if you can't see it on your own, then nothing I can say will make you see it. I'm sorry that I can't open your eyes.

Tim loves me and wants to be with me; if he didn't he wouldn't still be here. You didn't love her you left her alone. He won't leave me alone.

Hi Everybody!

2007-02-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

It's been some long time since I posted here, huh? It sucks to think that this may be the last one, not by my choice, but because blogger seems to be forcing this Google switch-over, and my best bud in the whole world Jackson lost his entire blog in attempting to do so. So this might all be gone the next time I try to post. Bummer, right?

That said, there's been a good bit going on with me since I last wrote here. I finally quit my job waiting tables, thank GOD. I've been so much happier since I left, and it's only been 4 weeks! I didn't realize how miserable that place had made me. But now I'm free, and working at a bank as a teller/new accounts person, so that's pretty cool. I'm hoping to sasche my way into an assistant manager position by the end of the year, but we'll see if that happens. It's all good at the moment though.

I find time to be my biggest factor now. I worked only 25ish hours a week at the restaurant, and I'm pulling 40 now. So you figure that's an extra 3 hours/weekday that I'm working, which is kind of a bummer. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to juggle girlfriend, martial arts classes, and business classes. And I half want to find a part-time 2nd job! AND I have to have time to write role-playing adventures! So, yeah, I feel like time is fleeting these days; once I get into a routine, I think I'll be better able to relegate it though, and live in the moment. The trouble with trying to save time is that you can't; you can only spend it. But you can spend it foolishly or wisely. I intend to spend it wisely, but so much has changed in the past month I'm still trying to find a rhythm.

I'm fairly enamoured with my girlfriend; she's an amazing chick who has more in common with me than I ever thought possible. Our three-month anniversary is coming up and we haven't even fought yet, which is incredible. (Most of my relationships don't make it to the three-month mark.) Sure, we've had a "talk" or two, but they weren't arguments by any stretch of the imagination; they were really nothing more than just a kind of feeling-out of where each other is coming from. And I've known her for a long time too, so I'm fairly confident that there's no nasty surprises coming my way. I must admit, though, that it's intimidating to think that I might have found the right one. It was barely more than a year ago that I learned to be happy being single and revelled in the prospect of being able to date whoever I wanted. And now I find myself settling down. It's strange... But fear has driven much of my life, and I won't let it drive this relationship. If we don't work out, then we don't, but I'm not going to let my anxieties get the better of me like I have in the past.

I think all of that is part of this whole "growing-up" kick I'm on. It's not that I'm leaving behind my child-like ways. I'm still saving (SAVING!) to get a PS2 again; I'm role-playing again. I'm still doing all the things that I like to do. I guess I'm just realizing that those things have to be given equal, if not secondary, status to doing adult things like having a real job with benefits and saving for retirement and a house and stuff. That's daunting too, but it's been past-time that I get my act together. I've had people try to tell me that, but I didn't listen at the time; I don't think I could've then. I couldn't understand. I had to come to that realization on my own. I guess that holds true for most people...

Anyhoo, in the event that this whole life-history from the past few years DOES get deleted by my forced-switch to a google-based blogger, I want to thank all my readers. It's funny, because this is mostly for me, but there are definite times when I'm speaking to one or more of you, rather than simply recording my thoughts. You're as much a part of this blog as any word or sentence I type. So, thanks. And hopefully, I'll see you here next time!

Hatred

2006-12-31T09:54:00.000-08:00

I hate my fucking job. I hate my fucking douchebag of a boss. I hate our swindling, conniving owner. I hate 90% of my coworkers. I hate it when people bitch non-stop about their asshole significant others, cry to me that they "need a friend," and then go right back to said asshole significant others. I fucking hate that my sense of "reason" and "responsibility" make me feel like a fucking doormat at work because it's not "sensible" to just up and quit that job because I have "financial obligations." So instead I'm supposed to just allow them to walk over me the entire time I'm looking for a new job. I fucking hate that I have christmas decorations up in the basement right now, so I can't even hang up the punching bad and go to town on it. I hate that there so much adware on my computer that it's lagging even as I FUCKING TYPE this. I hate that I'm not financially better off so I COULD just up and quit my job without worrying about it. I hate the fact that I can't stop spending money on stupid shit. I hate that I'm kept up at nights worrying that the sins of my past will catch up to me. I hate feeling helpless and out of control of my life, and that's exactly how I feel right now. I have NOT had a good morning, and I've only been awake for an hour.

But, on the up-side, if you're reading this, there's a pretty good chance that I don't hate you.

Jeckyl and Hyde

2006-12-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

So I've come to the understanding that I haven't exactly been myself for this past year. And I'm not sure why that comes as a surprise to me. It was a little over a year ago, almost exactly, that I decided to shed the bonds of my morality and live a life of amoral carnality (if I may make up that word to mean "physical pleasures"). My reasoning was that most people lived that sort of way at some point in their lives, and I never had. I decided to take a year (ironic that it took me exactly that long to learn the forthcoming lesson) to do whatever I wanted, regardless of what I'd been raised to think. It was not without consequences. I hurt people, I did things that I wouldn't otherwise have done... I wasn't myself.

The story of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde has been one of my favorites since I first read it, and I just recently re-read it, and I'm amazed at the parallels with my own life. (You should read the story, btw; it's only about 50 pages, and very good (maybe a little wordy).) In the story, Dr. Jeckyl is convinced that humans are made of two parts: one good, one bad. He believes this because he takes pleasure both in helping others and giving of himself, as well as doing selfish things without regard for others. However, he acknowledges that both sides are equally true to himself, so the only solution is that he must be comprised of two different beings.

Being a chemist of reknown, he creates a formula to seperate the two sides; to allow one to exist in him without the other. His intention, hoping to bring out the flawless good in him, is noble enough, but the moment before he first drinks his elixir he daydreams of fame and fortune stemming from his discovery, and the timing of that selfish thought makes his bad side alert enough to seize the opportunity to slip through the "door" created by the elixir. Hyde, being his dark side, was totally self-absorbed and gave no thought to others. He struck me as more selfish than the "evil" to which Jeckyl refers to him. Through the elixir, he was able to switch back and forth between his Jeckyl and Hyde personas. The relative part (rather than going through the entire book), is that as Hyde, he felt no remorse for the things he did, and as Jeckyl, he remembered Hyde's actions, but felt unaccountable as "Hyde" had done them rather than himself. Although it could be argued that Jeckyl was equally accountable because he chose to release Hyde, he was truly two different people.

Unfortunately, I think that's what happened to me. I really wasn't myself last year. Like Jeckyl, I consciously shed my morality. And like him, I've learned that there's no such thing as being unaccountable for our choices. I'm back, now, to having these baser desires, but with my morality back in place to keep them in check. Here's hoping that my Hyde doesn't grow restless after being recaged and try to overthrow Jeckyl.

Job hunting is hard

2006-12-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

God, this sucks! I hate my job, and I'm ready to grow up, and it's just not happening fast enough!!! I need to get hired by someone, dammit! Of course... it's probably my fault that I blew two of my interviews. One of which I was a little too casual during (an old friend of mine worked their, and seemed friends with the guy who interviewed me, so I guess I assumed that would translate, but I don't think it did.) And the other one I kinda ruined by asking a phone interview chick to lunch. Not my proudest moment, and certainly not my smartest. But she sounded hot! lol

I'm still dropping applications like bombs in the middle east. I also had the good people at State Farm inform me that they're about to have an opening, and they suggested I apply there. Even if I don't get/take a job there, it makes me feel good that the employees think well-enough of me that they'd want to work with me. Ideally, I still want a bank job. I know that business, I know I can do it, I know I can advance in it, an I know how to milk the benefits for all they're worth. So that's what I'm working towards. Wish me luck; I need it. I told my current job that if they were unable to give me off for Christmas, to let me know because I'd have to give my notice. Christmas means too much to me to spend the day in that suckhole. (Shouldn't be open anyway... ) But, if that's the motivation I need to kick my job hunt into high-gear, then so be it!

My meditations

2006-12-02T14:26:00.000-08:00

As promised, here is what I uncovered about myself, page-by-page, during my two weeks of turning inwards at the beginning of November. Be forewarned, this is a long one.

Who Am I?
-A martial artist and philosopher
-A dreamer
-Impressionable
-Arrogant
-Mildly wise
-Mildly foolish
-Idealist
-Mostly strong
-Dependant on others
-Struggle to bring about change
-Overly-cautious
-Devout
-Faithful
-Fiercely loyal
-Equally vengeful
-A nerd
-Anxious to be independant
-Grateful for what I have
-Afraid to fail, to not live up to my potential
-Unsure of my potential
-Unsure of how to reach, or even to pace, my goals
-Feel like I'm meant for something "more"

What do I want to change?
-More confidence
-Less arrogance
-More living in the moment without analyzing
-More motivation
-Less debt
-Less time wasted playing video games
-More will-power
-More independence
-More inner-peace
-Better job
-Better-spent time

How can I change?
-Start by getting more will-power. Decide I want to do something, then do it. Don't be lazy, don't procrastinate, don't make excuses. I'm always telling others that they're stronger than they think; I need to believe that about myself.
-Less arrogance- Stop giving advice, even if requested. See my own faults. Look on others with caring, unconditional eyes.
-More confidence- Continue training, and staying true to myself
-More living in the moment- Stop over-analyzing and do what feels right. My inner nature will be correct more often than my intellect, or even my heart.
-More motivation- Like willpower, decide what I want to do, then do it.
-Less debt/better job- Hunt for jobs, and save my money. Pay a $200 "savings" bill each month.
-Less VG time- set a daily limit for video games, and make sure I don't go over it.
-More independence- will come naturally with a better job and less debt.
-More inner peace- meditate daily, see others with compassion, acknowledge pain as temporary.
-Better-spent time- will come with more willpower.
Overall: Do what I set my mind to. Stop giving advice to others; see my own flaws and advise myself. Stay true to myself and trust my inner nature. Train harder. See others with compassion. Hunt for a new job and pay $200/mo into a savings account. Set VG time limit. Meditate daily and see/understand irritation/pain are temporary.

What are my goals?
-To become a skilled martial artist
-To own a successful marital arts school
-To compete and do well in full-contact fighting
-To own a Caterham Super 7
-To own my own house
-To go to Ireland
-To go to China
-To learn to play the fiddle and/or piano
-To become fluent in french
-To learn chinese
-To volunteer more often
-To write my philosophy book

What demons must I slay?
-My feelings for my ex
What are they? I range from fine to distraught. I feel as though both are for show; I'm fine when I want to seem strong, and distraught when I want to seem romantic. So what are my real feelings for her?
I miss her; we had fun together. I don't think I want to be just friends; the thought of her and her new boyfriend hurts. Or is that just jealousy?
I know we can't work as a couple. We have vastly different views on religion and drugs, and her parents think I'm an ass. So why can't I let go?
What do I miss, then? She made me laugh. We shared a love of nature. I liked her playful and carefree attitude. ...I liked making her eyes glow. And those were all great things, but are they enough to make me hold on like I am?
Or is it that I'm afraid to be wrong? Am I just afraid to admit that I dated someone who was too young for me? I convinced myself that we would work so the age wasn't important; did I just lie to myself? Am I so distraught sometimes just to convince myself that I wasn't bad? I'm not unhappy now. I live my life much as I did while I was with her; there's less stress now though.
It's thinking that there could've been a better result that tortures me; some way it could have worked. If only I hadn't gone over that night. If only I wouldn't've written that letter. It's thinking there still could be a better result that tortures me... still wanting to believe that I wasn't wrong.
Is it so hard to let go because I want our age difference to be okay? I want to believe that we're an unrequited "romeo and juliet," rather than just a mismatched couple. I think that's it... by clinging to the notion of her and I, by feeling tortured by her loss, I'm able to overlook that I should've stayed her friend longer; given her time to grow up more before I thought about anything more with her. It's not that I didn't, or don't, love her; it's just that the time wasn't right for us, and if I would've seen that then, maybe things could be different down the road. But I didn't see that then, and things are as they are, and I need to accept that.

Demons continued...
What have I become? More hedonistic; I've been sacrificing for the sake of pleasure. My current g/f's feelings... my ex's age... both cases involved sacrificing my morals for pleasure. And it was a conscious choice. I said that I would "take a year to play around," to be "amoral." I succeeded, and what did I gain? Remorse and self-loathing. Did I learn anything? Being amoral leads to bad situations... but fun ones! Where is the blend, the middle-ground, between leading a boring moral life, and a bad immoral one? If no one gets hurt? That's hard to predict; I've certainly hurt people.
I need to get back to putting th needs of others first. If I'm approached for some amoral fun, then I should go to town. Stay single for a while; there's still much you want to become... (Writer's note: for better or worse, I didn't follow my own advice on that one...)
Random thought: People don't seem to have faith in my ability to pull things together. My ex spoke of my big plans that went nowhere; my dad thought I'd be on my own by now. I need to fix that; I have to become more independant.

Another Demon
Financial independence. My father said he's sometimes embarrassed to talk about me. I live at home. I wait tables.
It's time to grow up. I intend to work full time during the day, and part time at night until I have a small nest-egg saved up. Then I'll move out, drop the part time job, and start business school. And as soon as I get a day job, start training for full-contact. My debut will be in the 2009 fights.

Why do I want to go to Texas?
To be independent? or to escape? It's the latter; I'm still running. Running from my past, from my future. I'm running from growing up. I can be independent in maryland.

In summary?
It's time to grow up. I can get a "real" job and still study kung fu and plan to open a school one day. I can even use the job to pay for business school. No more hiding behind the excuse of being afraid of finding a career that I don't want. If I'm happy, then there's no problem. If I'm not, then there should be no problem, because I should quit.

So that's it. Those are my thoughts for the two weeks I took to myself. They aren't the prettiest, but I think they're the most true that I've thought in a while. And for the first time in a long time, I have a good idea of where I'm going in life, and what I need to do to get there. And I have an even deeper appreciation of those who stand by me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

Um... yeah, that says it all. I promise that I'll soon put up here what I learned about myself during my two week sabbatical.

Happy Birthday to me

2006-11-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

Greetings my friends. I'm taking a small retreat from everything until November 18th. I want to take the time to look into my life; rediscover who I am, what I want for myself, and what I need to do to make that happen. In two weeks, I hope to be a little bit smarter, wiser, and stronger than I am now. Until then, take care of yourselves. Love ya all.

Salut mes amis. Je prends une petite retraite de tout jusqu' à novembre 18e. Je veux prendre le temps pour examiner ma vie; qui redécouvrir qui je suis, que je veux pour moi-meme, et que j'ai besoin de faire pour faire cela arriver. Dans deux semaines, j'espère être un peu plus intelligent, plus sage, et plus fort que je suis maintenant. Jusque-là, faites attention a vous. Je vous adore.

Los saludos mis amigos. Tomo una pequeña retirada de todo hasta 18 de noviembre. Quiero tomar el tiempo de estudiar mi vida; descubra de nuevo quién yo soy, lo que quiero para yo mismo, y para lo que necesito hacer para hacer eso sucede. En dos semanas, yo espero ser un poco más listo, más sabio, y más fuerte que soy ahora. Hasta entonces, los cuida de. Yo adore todo.

Grüße meine Freunde. Ich nehme einen kleinen Rückzug von alles bis 18. November. Ich will mich Zeit lassen, in mein Leben anzuschauen; entdeckt wieder, wer ich bin, was ich für mich selbst will, und, was ich machen muss, das zu machen, geschieht. In zwei Wochen hoffe ich, ein kleines Bisschen klüger, weiser, und stärker zu sein, als ich bin jetzt. Bis dann, sorgen Sie für sich. Lieben Sie alle.

祝贺我的朋友。我从直到 11 月 18 日的一切在送小的退却。我想花时间调查我的生活；重新发现谁我是，我想的对我自己，和我需要做使得那发生的。在两个星期，我希望略微是更能干，更聪明的，更强有力较之我是现在。直到然后，照料你们自己。我爱你们大家。

PS: I learned 4 languages for my birthday!!!

It can't rain all the time...

2006-11-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

Life and such

2006-11-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

Why are some things so hard to let go? Why do we dwell on the past, or hope and dream for a future that can never be? Why are reason and emotion so often at ends with each other? Why does it feel like, when they are, there's really no right answer? Why does it feel like any choice in that situation involves a loss? What do you do when you can't be with the one you love? ...What do you do when you know that it could never work? Do you just smile and wave when you see them? Do you try to avoid them, and hope that you can forget in time? Do you pray for a miracle to make everything somehow okay?

My melodrama is in high-gear at the moment, I know. I'm not sitting here crying into a whiskey bottle or anything. (I'm out of whiskey.) I just... miss her. A lot. And it hurts, and I'm a whiney bitch, so I'm sitting here whining and bitching. And fighting tears.

Resolution

2006-10-21T23:24:00.000-07:00

I talked with my friend tonight; the one who I felt betrayed and abandoned me, for those I've talked to about her (for those I haven't, the story is basically a moot point now). I had to get a lot off of my chest, which I did so tonight, but I was finally able to do it in-person, which I think would have saved a lot of grief had the entire situation been done in-person (vs letters or texts, which can be misunderstood or misinterpreted). Things are back to the way they were (more or less), which is good, because she was well on her way to being a "best" friend before all the late unpleasantness happened. I think it is very fortunate for our friendship that I do place so much value on the word "friend." Once someone has earned that title, it is very difficult for them to do something so damaging that it is forever revoked. It is the fact that I called her a friend that made me not only willing, but eager to resolve things and try to get back to the way they were. I won't pretend that I'm 100% trusting again; it will be a long time before I can forget the hurt that was visited upon me. But steps have been taken in that direction, and tonight went a long way towards that happening.

Friggin' SWEET!

2006-10-21T00:28:00.000-07:00

I was a booty-call! Boo-yah!

Lost...

2006-10-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

I feel lost at life right now. I mean, I know what I want to do with my life, but I can't seem to stay focused on making it happen. I console myself with the thought that if my life were entirely goal-driven, I'd miss out on a lot. And I suppose that's true, but I feel like it's just an excuse I'm making for myself. Maybe not... I want to be a martial arts instructor someday, and I feel like I'm not attending classes as often as I should to justify having that as a legitimate goal. But on the same note, I feel like martial arts, perhaps moreso than anything else, should not be rushed; there should not be a "finish line" that I'm in a hurry to get to. And yet I am. I'm tired of waiting tables. I'm tired of not having a "career." But the one that I know I want is still many years away. ... I suppose that's true regardless of how often I attend classes. Just because I might learn the motions faster doesn't mean I'd be any better at applying them. I think that's something that only comes with time. And practice. I dunno.

I feel lost with my friends too. I find myself wondering how well I really know anybody that I call friend. And it makes me sad, because the reason I'm not afraid to be single is because I felt that my friends would always be there for me, and so I'd never be "alone." But after this week... even friendship seems so fragile...

In a previous post ("God Friend"), I claimed that true friendship is the divine manifested in our lives. But if that's the case, it shouldn't be able to be cast aside so easily... ...

"I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. ...In fact, I mean not to..."

Realizations

2006-10-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

I've often considered myself blessed with friendship. I have a great number of friends that I would consider to be true friends; friends who are there for me through thick and thin. ...But I'd never realized that my personality left me vulnerable to fake forms of friendship. People... some people become my friend because of what I can do for them, or how I make them feel. And I'm only now realizing that that has happened mulitple times in my life.

Most recently was a woman friend of mine. We'd been coworkers for two years, began to get close over the summer, and were exceptionally close over the last month or two. She was smitten with another guy, and hounded by a baby-daddy. I was her sounding board, and her strength. I told her that I was getting interested in her as more than a friend, and I needed to back off in order to maintain the friendship. ... She told me that my admission of feelings had shattered her trust in me and ruined our friendship, and that we couldn't be friends anymore.

This was devastating to me, because I can't fathom discarding any of my friends so callously. And it was only the advice of another friend that helped me to get over it.

He told me that she was using me. Maybe it was intentional; maybe it wasn't. But whichever the case, she liked having me there. She liked that I was at her beck-and-call whenever she needed me, and that she didn't have to really invest anything in return. She liked that I was in a sort-of in-between area, where she could treat me like a friend and be treated in return like a girlfriend. And when I realized that and opted to change it, she acted like I did something wrong so she wouldn't have to deal with it.

I didn't want to believe him. It's not the first time I've been in this situation with a woman, and it's not the first time I had people tell me I was being walked on. I didn't believe it the other times either.

The reason that I didn't want to believe all those people is because people said the same thing about April, and I know for a fact that April never used me. April is my friend, pure and true.

And then I realized that was the difference between April and the other girls... April is my friend. When things got tough, or weird, she didn't discard me. She didn't keep me around when times were great, and abandon me when I told her (repeatedly) that I liked her. April remained my friend, and these other ladies were all-too-ready to let me go.

April liked me for me, not because of how I made her feel...

Thank you, April, for being my friend.

New Interpretation

2006-09-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

I've oft-quoted the Buddhist assertion that "Desire leads to suffering." But just the other night I pondered that my desire doesn't neccessarily lead to my suffering. Sometimes the things we do out of desire can cause suffering in others. I suspect that most Buddhists understand that aspect of the statement naturally, but for me it hit like a ton of bricks. I always took my desire to be the cause of my suffering. I don't know if it's bad that I didn't realize the statement could apply in this way, or good that I do now.

The Dreamside

2006-09-13T12:24:00.000-07:00

In the temple of her mind
She has driven it away
This dark and mortal day
Angels calling her to stay

And though her heart falls heavy
There's a spark of light inside
It illuminates her soul
And showers her with light

The right thing?

2006-09-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well... if this were Star Wars, I'd officially be Obi-wan and not Anakin. So why do I wonder if that's the best thing?

Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose...

2006-09-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

Why is that so hard to do? Why is it hard to let go of some things? How do we distinguish between mere things we want, and things that we're meant to have? Moreover, is it wrong to want to have something (someone)? We all have desires, but at what point do they become bad? when do they overcome our lives? And if we aren't to aim for our wants, then why do anything? What other motivation can there be to do anything other than our desire to achieve something?

Buddhism says that suffering is caused by desire. Does that mean that desire neccessarily causes suffering? Or simply that if suffering exists, it's because of desire? Is that the break-point? Wanting becomes bad when it causes suffering?

Maybe that is the answer... maybe there's nothing wrong with wanting something, so long as not having it doesn't make you unhappy, or striving to attain it doesn't stress you out.

lol... it's funny how sometimes just typing thoughts out can lead to break-throughs. Who needs a shrink? I have blogger.

Taoism, Wicca, and Role-playing

2006-09-08T21:08:00.000-07:00

I wanted to get the title of what I wanted to write about on here so I didn't forget, but I'll actually write it later. Look for it!

* * * *

Okay, first: Role-playing. GOD, am I glad to be doing that again. It's been too long. I was a GM today (the person who runs the game), and I'm not particularly experienced at it, but I think I did well. And I was definitely able to whet everyone's appetite about playing, which is good. And my friend (who is experienced at GMing) is going to start next time, which means I get to take on the role of STURGE, THE DWARVEN FIGHTER! (He's a tank; seriously man, just a beast-and-a-half.) He has a broken horn on his helmet that he tells everyone got damaged in a fight, but in reality he fell down the stairs when he was drunk. HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?!? I've seriously missed the chance to slip away and become something I'm not.

Onto the religous postings. (I'ma be brief, 'cause I think I'm getting sick.) I compared Taoism and Wicca to Jedi and Sith. Now before I have multiple curses cast upon me, hear me out: I'm not saying that one is good, and the other evil. I simply mean how they view "The Force" parallels the views of Jedi and Sith. Taoists believe that there's a certain way that things should be, and they do their best to become attuned to that and to live their lives in accordance with it. There's no struggling, no desire for personal gain. That's very Jedi-like. Witches, however, see the forces of nature as a tool; something they can alter as they (more or less) see fit. I don't even mean selfishly, necessarily (although a witch friend of mine debated casting a spell to make a guy like her). But even if a spell was cast so that a friend had something good happen to them, that's still disregarding the natural flow of things and attempting to bend them to one's will. Very Sith-like. What that means, for me, is that while I don't see Wiccans as evil (I'm friends with more of them than I realize), I feel like power corrupts, and if Wiccans had a sizeable amount of power, they wouldn't hesitate to use it to improve their own existence. I don't see Taoists reacting that way to the same level of power. Just different schools of thinking; let me know what you think.

Tragic Kingdom

2006-09-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

Once was a magical place
Over time it was lost
Price increased the cost
Now the fortune
Of the kingdom
Is locked up in its dungeon vaults

The castle floor lies in traps
With coiled wired set back
Decoyed by old cheese
Now the drawbridge
has been lifted
As the millions They drop to their knees

They pay homage to a king
Whose dreams are buried in their minds
His tears are frozen stiff
Icicles drip from his eyes

The cold wind blows as it snows
On those who fight to get in
On heads that are small
Disillusioned
As they enter
They're unaware what's behind castle walls

But now it's written in stone
The king has been overthrown
By jesterly fools
And the power
of the people
Shall come to believe they do rule

They pay homage to a king
Whose dreams are buried in their minds
His tears are frozen stiff
Icicles drip from his eyes

Welcome to the tragic kingdom
Cornfields of popcorn have yet to spring open

Have they lost their heads
Or are they just all blind mice
We've heard all their stories
One too many times

Hypnotized by fireflies that glow in the dark
Midgets that disquise themselves as tiny little dwarfs
The parade that's electrical it serves no real purpose
Just takes up a lot of juice just to impress us

They pay homage to a king
Whose dreams are buried in their minds
His tears are frozen stiff
Icicles drip from his eyes

Welcome to the tragic kingdom

MASH... or a version thereof

2006-09-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

My coworker amber taught me a game last night that she used to play when she was a kid growing up in a podunk town; I can't recall if I've ever played it before, but it seemed familiar. Basically, you pick a few categories ("boys," "girls," "places," "what happened," etc) and then you pick 4-5 items (the stranger the better) for each of those categories. Then one person rattles off the numbers 1-4 (or 5) in different orders while the other person writes those orders down next to the different categories. When that's done, you match up all the number 1s, all the 2s, etc, and you have 4-5 different "stories." Here's the examples from last night:

"Amber" has sex with "Chris" doing it "doggie style" in the "dungeon" (that would be the place in our restaurant where beer kegs and other not-often used items are stored; thus-called because there are still chains in the wall in the back from where slaves were beaten). Apparently, one of us "farts", the "owner's son" catches us, and one of us is wearing "socks on our hands."

Those were with amber's categories. Then I took a go at the came...

"Chris" has sex with "Amber" (No coincidence! I think I was fated to be with this hottie...) in her "eye" on "the back of a liger" with a "teletubbie" filming us. "Tom Cruise" catches us, and I unfortunately suffer a "broken penis." And to that, Bobo The Wonder Chimp has nothing to say, he just "flings poop."

Needless to say, we were VERY slow last night. But I thoroughly enjoyed the two hours that I killed in the office playing this game, and I have every intention of subjecting my friends to it the next time I see them (except for those few who I suspect think they're too "mature" for such foolishness).

Fear is a path to the dark side...

2006-08-31T08:57:00.000-07:00

Inspired by a post written by a friend of mine, I, too, shall lay my fears out here for all to see.

-I am afraid that I have already lost that which I held most dear
-I am afraid that the overwhelming desire to reclaim that which I've lost will cause me to place myself in jeopardy
-I am afraid of what those first two fears say about my character
-I am afraid that my arrogance and relentlessness in offering advice will one day drive away all I care about
-I am afraid that I will never be financially independant
-I am afraid of being accused of conforming
-I am even more afraid of actually conforming
-I am afraid of a tall, angry step-dad
-I am afraid of being misunderstood
-I am afraid that the steps I'm taking to get my life in order won't be enough
-I am afraid that I will never be a good enough martial artist to deserve to teach it to others
-I am afraid of waiting tables for the rest of my life
-I am afraid that my brother will become lost in life
-I am afraid that any number of my friends will get hurt, be it physically or psychologoically, and worse still, that maybe I could somehow have prevented it
-I am afraid of my desires
-I am afraid that I will never be the man I wish to become
-I am afraid of repeating past mistakes
-I am afraid of repeating the mistakes of others
-I am afraid of giving bad council to those I care about
-I am afraid of confrontation
-I am afraid that trying to overcome that fear will lead me to unneccessary and dangerous confrontation
-I am afraid of my delusions of grandeur
-I am afraid of hurting someone
-I am afraid of being wrong

There is, however, a light at the end of this tunnel. There are things that many people fear of which I am not afraid.

-I am not afraid of dying; to die would be a great adventure
-I am not afraid of being alone; I understand that the fear of driving away all that I care about is irrational, and that I will always have my friends and family to turn to
-I am not afraid of the opinions of the "they"
-I am not afraid to be unique, even strange
-I am not afraid to be myself and follow my own course, even if it lacks things that most consider important
-I am not afraid to love; three months of love have dwarfed every other experience in my life
-I am not afraid to hope
-I am not afraid to ask for help

All-in-all, I would rather those lists be what they are, than reversed...

Non-Atheism

2006-08-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

Atheism has always puzzled me. Maybe it's because I was raised fairly hard-core catholic (I don't consider myself to be nearly so catholic these days), but I personally can't fathom a world without some sort of God/Creator. I can't possibly go into the woods, or look up at the stars, or find someone that I connect so inexplicably well with, and NOT think that it was all somehow made by something. Of particular puzzlement are atheist fatalists. If they believe in fate, that our entire lives are already mapped out and free will is just an illusion, ... WHO DO THEY THINK MAPPED IT OUT?!

I type all of this because I know God exists. Not 'believe;' not 'trust;' I know one does. I know because I've spoken with him no less than three times. And I don't mean that I hear voices in my head. (I mean, I do, but those are the ones telling me to kill all my guy friends so that there are more women for me. That's not God; that's just my Id.) But I've felt overwhelming positive emotions that were not my own during times of great stress and reflection. The first was long ago, back in the days I went to church at least quasi-regularly. I can't remember what I was depressed or upset about, but I remember turning my head to the side of the church, and sunlight just shone through the window, and I started crying (that's actually been the common reaction to all three experiences). I had no reason, it was just sunlight; but somehow there was a presence there, assuring me that things would be fine.

The second time (that I can remember) involved when I was having a hard time with a friend of mine (among other things). I felt like his attitude was so self-serving and self-pitying and self-loathing that I couldn't be friends anymore, and that his feelings were so ingrained in his nature that I couldn't help him with them either (despite my best efforts). In this particular instance, I tried meditating to come to a solution, but at some point during my meditation, I considered what it would be like to actually converse with God about the problem. And I envisioned him sitting in chair in front of me, and I began to hold what I very much felt was a dialogue with him. I didn't so much "hear" his answers to my unspoken questions or thoughts; rather I just felt/thought the replies. But I distinctly remember that there were answers, and that they were phrased from a first person point of view (His). Again, tears came, in this case because the compassion and forgiveness emmanating from the presence was so overwhelming, that what I'd often considered to be the good amount of compassion that I posess was belittled.

The most recent time was just this week. I was having a terrible time over a woman, and the short version is that now is not the right time for us, and I felt like I either had to risk getting into some severe trouble because of her, or else try to be something I wasn't. Neither choice seemed the right one, but I was (am) so enrapt with her, that I felt like those were my only two options. Seeking council, I went to church hoping to find a confession time in the near future. When there weren't any, I simply went into the chapel to pray by myself. I wasn't in there for more than 5 seconds when I started to cry. (This time, it was a blend of everything from feeling guilty for having been away so long, feeling loved as though I was reunited with my parents after a long journey, and feeling hope that things would be fine.) And, again, I prayed, and again, the answers came to me. My dilemma existed because of two reasons. 1) I was afraid to lose this girl, and it was making me act in ways contrary to my nature. 2) I wanted to feel like she somehow needed me, and that she wouldn't be able to get by without me. And in praying, I realized that neither of those are good feelings to have. She will most certainly be okay without me for a while, and although I don't want to lose her, I can't be afraid of it to such a degree that I lose myself. And so I felt renewed and revived, and I've been in much better spirits ever since.

So I can assure you, my friends, that God does exist. I can't prove it to you, any more than you could prove you love your significant other, or that the world you live in is anything more than a dream. But I know he exists. And for those of you who are willing to walk halfway and believe, I'm willing to bet that He'd meet you halfway and reveal himself.

It's a beautiful day

2006-08-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

And it is. Perfect weather outside... the sun's shining brightly... there's a nice breeze in the air. So why, you ask, am I sitting inside typing on a computer? Well, due to a freak accident, I'm now nothing more than an eyeball attached to a hand. You have NO idea how difficult it is to hunt-and-peck for these keys without taking my eye off of the screen to make sure I'm typing coherent sentences. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!?!

Anyhoozy, the REAL reason I'm inside typing is because I find myself confuzzled. (It's a real word; go look it up.) An old friend of mine once said "Skywalker, women say one thing, mean another, and do yet a third." And he was right. And men? Well, men are just left saying double-you-tee-eff? And that's why we play video games; it distracts us from our confuzzlement.

Well THAT'S interesting...

2006-08-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

I know this is the most I've posted in a long time, but in (still) rereading past posts, I found an interesting... not "contradiction"... I dunno what you'd call it; irony maybe? In any event, I found a post back when I broke up with my g/f last summer, and we had disagreed on the notion of morality. She thought that other opinions shouldn't matter, and I thought that individual morality was potentially dangerous because Hitler would then be as "good" of a person as you or I. However, recently, I've promoted the concept of an individual sense of purpose and morality.

A-HA! And I just realized the difference; I just realized why I seem to be on both sides of the issue. I don't think that an individual sense of "right and wrong" is acceptable because, again, sociopaths would be 100% in the right. HOWEVER, I do believe that an individual sense of "right and wrong FOR ME" is okay, and by that I mean what is best for me. I don't proclaim the choices I make to be 'right' just because I think they are; I simply do them because I feel like they're what I'm intended to do. Maybe they're right, and maybe they're wrong. Maybe it does depend on others' point of view. ... Well, I thought I realized the difference, anyway... I dunno... Am I making a proper distinction? There should be a universal understanding of morality in the sense of how we deal with others (perhaps "ethics" more than "morality;" let's lose the religious connotation), but there should never be a universal sense of "this is what I'm supposed to do." Does that make sense?

Reminisce

2006-08-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

I've been reading old posts a lot lately; I don't know why. But I feel like my posts of recent have taken a decidedly less philosophical turn; maybe just less introspective? I dunno. Some of my older ones took very hard looks at who I am and what I wanted to change about myself, and I feel like a lot of my newer ones are just me whining about shit. (Ironically enough, whining was always something I wanted to change about myself.)

I've been through a lot in the past year. I've done my fair share of hurting, and I've gotten my fair share of being hurt. I'm in slightly better shape now, weigh less than I have in a long time, have a more positive outlook on the possibility of love being successful... but at the same time, not much has changed. I'm still arrogant. I'm still full of self-doubt. I still make excuses to not do things that I'm afraid to do. I'm almost embarassed by it, now that I think about it. I'm almost 27, and in many ways I'm still very much like a child. (Now, some of those ways are good things, I think, but some aren't.)

I feel like I need a DRASTIC change of scenery in my life, but I'm afraid to make that change. Part of me wants to pull up stakes and move to Texas and stay with a friend of mine there until I get situated. (It's not like waiting tables is a job exclusive to maryland, you know?) And the biggest reason to not do that is because I very much like the school where I currently study martial arts, and I very much want to make teaching it my career, and so it seems counter-productive to move away and try to find a new school. But it's also partially fear. It's being afraid of what I don't know.

I've always said that one of my favorite LOTR parts is at the end of the last movie, when Sam is back in the tavern in the shire and he just walks up and kisses(?) Rosie, the gal he's pined for since the beginning. And that resonates so well with me because I imagine that's exactly how anyone would be. After undertaking a long (multi-month?) journey full of life-threatening adventures, going after a cute girl (or some other comparitively minor hurdle) would be nothing. I think I've said this here before, but that's what I want for myself. I want to go see the world, to travel, even if it's by myself, and just experience life, so that I have nothing to be afraid of anymore. Hike the Appalacian Trail or something like that. Something to make me grow up. To continue with the LOTR reference by quoting Bilbo: "I need a holiday, a very long holiday. And I don't suspect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to."

PS: I love Dear Abby. If she wasn't so old, I'd stick it in her.

FREEEEEEEEDOMMMMMM!!!!

2006-08-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

That's what Mel Gibson said in Braveheart. Then he called everyone a dirty Jew. Or something like that.

I went out with a bunch of coworkers last night. I'd be remiss if I said I wasn't disappointed a bit, because I thought we were going to just a bar, but apparently on "Ladies' Night" it takes on a more club-like atmosphere. I'm white; I don't dance really well. And I've not been clubbing in YEARS which meant that I didn't recognize any of the songs that made everyone else shriek like banshees when they started playing. However I learned, or perhaps remembered, something vital in that outing: I'm happy being single. I was SO happy in my last relationship, that I'd forgotten that I was happy before it and, consequently, could also be happy after it. I'd forgotten how to relish (sp? I don't mean the condiment) the freedom of being unattached. And it's not to say that I felt restricted or constrained in my last relationship; far from it. But in a relationship, you have to be mindful of what the other person is thinking or feeling or wanting (or you SHOULD be mindful, anyways). And I didn't mind that, truthfully, but I had forgotten what it was like to only be accountable for me, to have my life WIDE open and to be able to do what I please.

Now, don't get me wrong, last night started in kind of a depressed funk (thanks to the loveable combination of alcohol and an already saddened mindset). It didn't help that the DJ played a song or two that reminded me of my recent ex. But at some point, I let go and started having fun and remembered what being single is all about. IT'S GREAT!

For the sake of a disclaimer, however, I feel like I should comment that I would've texted or called her last night while I was out. I say "would've" because I know myself well enough to know that alcohol would create that desire (or, more appropriately, unleash it) and so I deleted her numbers from my phone. Oh, now don't get your dander up. I wrote them down on a piece of paper before I left. I love her, and that means (for better or worse) that I'll take whatever role in her life that she'll let me play (and for now, that's of a friend. I'm not sure how that happened either; it's complicated; don't ask). So I want the numbers so that I can call her in, say, a few days to see what's new. But I didn't want to call yet; she wants space and time to do her own thing, and I'm doing everything in my power to give it to her. Which is hard; I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to get back together (a first amongst my relationships). But I'd also be lying if I said I'm craving that a little bit less after last night. Now's the time to live, and to let the future take care of itself.

"I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened."

"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time we are given."

A sad good-bye

2006-08-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have traded-in Vash the 2nd. (Vash the 1st was my Saturn.) It was a hard decision to make, but, financially, one that had to be made. My payments are dropping from $600/mo (minimum of $530/mo) to $260/mo, my gas mileage will be going up anywhere from 10-15 mpg, and whatever maintenance I need should be less costly. But I will miss the Accord; it will always be Vash to me.

Vash the 3rd is an '02 Civic EX, which is a respectable little car in its own right; it just pales in comparison to what I had to step down from. The biggest things missing are my 6 CD changer (single in the Civic), the ability to roll down my windows with my keyless, heated seats, automatic climate control, radio controls on the steering wheel, and power. I've lost a lot of power (HP and & LbFt are probably both halved). Oh yeah, and IT'S AN AUTOMATIC!!!! BLECH! But it's not like I plan on keeping this car forever, nor using it for its (non-existent) performance abilities, so I suppose I can deal with driving an automatic for now. Saving $400-some a month will help my ability to deal, I think.

It was easier to say good-bye (yes, I verbally say good-bye to my cars) to the accord than I thought it would be. I suppose in light of everything else I've been through (or put myself through, I suppose, depending on one's point of view) in the past few weeks, getting rid of a car is really no big deal. But I will miss it, nonetheless. We had some good times, the accord and I, some of them airborn. It stuck its landings like an olympic champ every time. But, that era is over now, as is another. In all honesty, I hope that both are born again one day (Not in the conservative "I 'love' you but I'm going to yell at you 'cause you're a 'sinner'" Christian sense of "born again," but in the "I hope that what I have just let go of will one day come back to me" sense of things).

# 200

2006-07-21T08:33:00.000-07:00

This is my 200th post. Wow... I'd like to thank everyone who made this possible. My friends, my emotions, all my ex's... um, my parents especially, I guess; I wouldn't be here if not for them.

Yesterday was a good day; I used a gift cert from christmas to see the new Pirates movie. It was pretty good; a little long though, and the first one was definitely better. The first one was lighter, I felt; it was more playful. This one still had similar elements, but it was definitely darker. And too long, did I mention that? But I spent some times in the state park too; put some demons to rest, and hopefully the good that I planted will grow and blossom like the other things in the park. I have a secret ingredient too: olive juice.

False Hope

2006-07-16T00:13:00.000-07:00

It's interesting that people distinguish between hope, and false hope. False hope, I suppose, is when you hope for something that is never going to happen. But whoever is doing the false hoping obviously doesn't know that, or else it isn't false hope, but ignorance, or maybe disbelief. But to hope is to not know whether something will happen. If that is the case, then ALL hope has the potential to be false hope, and false hope is still hope.

I would rather have hope, than nothing at all.

Threshold

2006-07-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

"My heart quakes as it slides, spewing sparks, across the electified threshold of new love."

That quote meant everything to me; happiness, love, fun, tenderness, compassion; and I don't even know where it's from.

I could probably think of a hundred reasons, some better than others, why what happened is for the best. I can focus more on martial arts now. I can push back the move-out-of-the-house goal until I'm more financially comfortable with it. I don't have to worry about angry step-fathers, or hiding truths, or disapproving looks. ... But none of those reasons matter; none of them fill the empty void in my heart.

We had our differences, but I didn't care. For once, I was the one ignoring the incompatibilities, pretending they weren't there. For once, I was the one who threw reason aside and embraced the chaos of emotion. For once, I defied the fate that I think I knew would happen eventually. I miss her... I find myself putting up a front around most of my friends, who all think I should be happy now; they all think I was foolish to even put myself in that situation to begin with. And maybe I was... but that doesn't make it hurt less.

I've probably cried more in the past 50-some hours than I have in the past 5 years. I look back and wonder if there wasn't anything I could've said differently, or something I could've done differently, to salvage what I had. There isn't. I think even if this particular incompatibility weren't an issue, the heretofore unnoticed (or unrespected) stress of keeping things going would've eventually caught up to me. But, again, that doesn't make life any easier. I was happy being single; that means that, despite the stress, I was happier being with her. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have stayed. But despite the joy I had... it had to end.

In times of great stress in my life, I often turn to Star Wars, not for entertainment, but for inspiration; I see genuine truth in the lessons the series has to offer. And at this time, in particular, I pity Anakin. Sometimes, we don't want to make the right choices; sometimes they hurt too much. And if we aren't careful, we can grow to care for something so much that we're willing to destroy everything we know and love and believe in just to save it. In a sense, that takes as much bravery and commitment as it does to do the right thing no matter how much it pains us. Anakin had a strong will to be able to sacrifice everything in an effort to save the woman he loved. And so, from the eyes of Obi-Wan or Yoda, I probably did the right thing by standing by my principles; I was probably strong in letting go of what I feared losing. ... But from Anakin's point of view? ..I simply wasn't strong enough... And for that, Switch, I'm so very, eternally, sorry...

"My heart aches as it divides, shedding tears, within the barren wasteland that is lost love."

Broken Heart-On

2006-07-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

I know that you're hiding things,
using gentle words to shelter me.
Your words were like a dream...
But dreams could never fool me.
Not that easily...

I acted so distant then,
didn't say goodbye before you left.
But I was listening...
You fight your battles far frome me,
far too easily...

"Save your tears, 'cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door.
But still I swore
to hide the pain. When I turn back the pages,
Shouting might have been the answer.
What if I cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart?
But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart.

Though a thousand words
have never been spoken,
They'll fly to you
Crossing over the time and distance holding you
Suspended on silver wings.
And a thousand words,
one thousand confessions,
will cradle you
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away.
They'll hold you forever.

The dream isn't over yet
Though I often say I can't forget.
I still relive that day.
You've been there with me all the way.
I still hear you say...

"Wait for me, I'll write you letters"
I could see how you stand with your eyes to the floor.
But still I swore
To hide the doubt. When I turn back the pages,
Anger might have been the answer.
What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait?
But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late.

'Cause a thousand words
call out through the ages.
They'll fly to you,
even though we can't see, I know they're reaching you,
suspended on silver wings.
Oh a thousand words,
one thousand embraces,
will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away.
They'll hold you forever.

And a thousand words,
Have never been spoken.
They'll fly to you
And carry you home, and back into my arms,
suspended on silver wings.
And a thousand words
Call out through the ages.
They'll cradle you,
changing all of the lonely years to only days.
They'll hold you forever.

A thousand words...

My subconscious, the playwrite

2006-07-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

I had quite a lengthy and vivid dream last night (one I think might have carried on from before I woke up to get a drink and went back to bed). It was very theatre-ish, and I want to write it out here because it impressed me.

It starts in front of a large crowd of people; being a dream, I'm unsure if this is a king's court and the people are various advisors, or if it's simply the stage and the people are the audience. Regardless, the king's son is quite the comic and entertainer, and is well-loved by the people. In the opening scene, he's describing how castle life has become boring for him, and he's going off to see the world and to find the girl of his dreams. Someone asks him what she'd be like, and he responds with a vibrant, joyous song, of which I can only remember part: "She'll have ruby lips, snow-white skin..."

So he leaves on his adventure, and though I don't remember how, he and a few people he's met during the course of his journey wind-up in the main city of an opposing empire. This enemy empire is very harsh and brutal to its people, with such stringent rules as "no games." The group winds up in a tavern (think Mos Eisley, but not quite so rough) sitting at a table next to a table of ladies. (Both groups of 4-5 are very ecclectic with their species (like ogres) and appearances (big vs petit).) One of the women in particular catches his eye. They make small talk, and soon the two tables are pulled together and everyone is conversing. (Brief side note: during this part, I remember one of the two large women feeding a small dog under the table, and one of the empirial guards (a troll) sees her and, as this is against the rules, chases the dog and eventually kills it and eats it. The woman is upset, but takes solace because something about the dog would be poisonous to the troll and it would eventually die.)

At some point, a few of the guys begin discretely (so they think) discussing the hot girl and the fact that though they unanimously feel that there is a man in her life, that it's odd that he isn't out with her. (Apparently, girls night out doesn't factor in.) They're overheard, however, by some of the girls, who explain that the man the hot girl was supposed to marry was killed (for breaking rules), and so she solemnly decided to dedicate her life to the government so that the same fate doesn't befall her & so she can maybe change it from within. (She's some sort of low-level official; equivalent to a priest in the catholic church heirarchy.) She hears all of this conversation, and becomes saddened by his memory, and says "I should go." To which the prince replies "No one here wants you to," in a Tom-Hanks-Meg-Ryan-Movie sort of way. (It was very moving in the dream; it was one of two parts that I know I actually started crying in real-life while I was asleep.)

The prince was referring to himself in particular, and the woman realizes that there's some sort of connection between the two of them. She stays, and conversation continues, and the prince (who, btw, never really mentions he's the prince of another kingdom) begins to teach her table-top football. (you know, with the paper folded into a triangle?) Two guards come along and interupt the game, proclaiming it against the rules and punishable by death for both players. In typical heroic fashion, the prince explains that it's not a game, but a training exercise for throwing knives. In demonstration, he whips a blade into the chest of one of the guards. Before the other can react, the girl does the same. (This is done quickly and quietly so that it doesn't draw attention to the group and the bodies are hidden.) The two retrieve their daggers and look at each other, then both throw their own into the ground at the other's feet, exchanging blades. (A sort of metaphorical "exchanging of vows".)

The two groups spend the rest of the night talking (with most of the women eventually leaving except for the girl), until the place is almost empty and a team of a Giant and a wizard decide that the group is perfect for their own made-up rule "Kill as many people at a table as you can." After a minor skirmish, the team retreats, followed by their attackers. They manage to escape through a magic tunnel to the outside of the city, where they convince the tunnel's keeper to collapse it on their followers. This doesn't kill them, however; it merely enrages them, and as they erupt from the ground, the group is forced to fight them, only this time they win.

They spend a few days walking across the country, back towards the prince's kingdom (by this time, I think she knows he's a prince). The two are very clearly soul-mates, and delight in each-other's company. However, while passing a smaller town, the girl hears over a loudspeaker that all deserters are invited back to the main city to receive a pardon for deserting. (Because so many people hated their government and fled it, it was against the rules, and punishable by death, to leave the city without permission for any reason. (As the girl had just done.)) She perceives this as a sign that her government is changing for the better, and decides to return in the hopes that more people responding will lead to more positive change. The prince, who has know the strategies and ways of his enemy for a long time, tries to tell her that it's a trap, and that the government only wants all of the deserters in one place so it may kill them all as a show of strength. The girl refuses to believe him, and the two part company.

Downcast, the prince and his group continue their journey home, with each member departing as they pass their town of origin. As the prince walks over the bridge into his castle, he remembers the girl's knife at his waist and disgustedly throws it down, where it bounces of the rock of the bridge and clatters to the ground (in contrast to sticking in the ground earlier).

Inside the court (with the crowd of people there again), the prince makes a grand entrance by sliding down a long banister, hooking his leg under it and flipping off of it, displaying a massive feat of acrobatics as he soars through the air to land on the lip of a fountain. A huge grin on his face, the prince begins to leap and flip and cartwheel about the room (demonstrating how refined his prowess has become during his adventure) and telling the people of all the strange and wonderous things he's seen (like mermaids and other creatures). At some point, someone in the crowds, in reference to the prince leaving to find a woman, simply says "what about 'her'?" In an instant, the smile is gone from the prince's face. He faces the fact that she's gone from his life, and probably dead, and he begins to sing, sadly, "She had ruby lips... snow-white skin..." and then he breaks down and begins to cry. (This was the second time I cried; I woke up with tears in my eyes.) He's not sobbing for more than a few seconds, however, when a dagger imbeds itself at his feet. It's her dagger, and as he looks up, he sees her standing in the entranceway; she'd realized that he only wanted to protect her, and it meant he loved her, and decided to trust him and come be with him. And they lived happily ever after.

... I'm not gay.

Follow-up

2006-06-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

"A vigilante is just a man lost in the scramble for his own gratification. He can be destroyed, or locked up; but if you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, and if they can't stop you, you become something else entirely... A legend."

That just seems a fitting quote to go along with why I was talking about in my last post. It's from Batman Begins. It's probably the best out of all the Batman movies; if you haven't seen it, you should. (Steve.)

2 months later...

2006-06-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow would've been two months exactly since I posted last. Funny how all it takes is some ignorant fucker to send me running right back here. Today I saw a shirt that had a red octogon on the front of it (i.e. a stop sign) and it said "Stop Snitching" and the back said "You have the right to remain silent." Now, I've laughed at some pretty fucked-up shirts. (Tshirthell.com is a favorite of mine.) But, as near as I could tell, that shirt wasn't trying to be funny. It didn't say "Stop snitching or the mob will kill you," or "Fight the man: Don't snitch." I mean, I don't even think those are especially funny (namely 'cause I just made them up, and I'M not funny), but there's at least an effort at humor there. I didn't get that vibe from this shirt at all; it seemed as though it was legitimately decrying those criminals who turn on their fellow criminals.

Presuming I'm right, what would prompt this woman (yes, a woman) to wear a shirt that was promoting criminals keeping silent? She was with a younger girl (smoking and driving, but looked like she was 12), and I wonder if this woman would want the criminals to keep quiet if that girl disappeared, or was raped, or murdered. Would she then encourage them not to snitch? Or would she instead hope and pray that someone out there who knew something would develope a conscience and give the police a chance to solve the crime?

As every day goes by, the more I'm convinced that the world needs a hero. I don't mean like police, or firefighters, or soldiers; I know they're heroes in their own right. But I mean someone, something, to stand out; to give hope to people and fear to bad guys. A vigilante who works for the law, and yet flies above it, unrestrained by the policies and procedures and red tape and scrutinization that the police have to wade through. Someone with their own sense of morality, who can catch criminals in the act and exact their own form of justice on the spot. To quasiquote a superhero movie (without referencing it, for those who haven't seen it): "I'm not going to kill you, but I don't have to save you either." That's what we need. I wonder... if I had started training in martial arts when I was younger, if I were more advanced and capable now... would I have the strength to fill that role?

Originality

2006-04-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

In his arguments against democracy, socrates claimed that, on any given subject, the majority of people aren't educated enough to make an informed decision. He used, for example, what you would do if your horse were sick. Would you simply ask all of your neighbors what you should do and follow that, or would you consult someone who was a specialist in horses? In more modern times, if you were sick, or your car started rattling, would you just ask everyone what you should do, or would you see a doctor or mechanic? Suppose everyone told you to just lie down and rest, whereas the doctor told you that if you'd waited 3 hours longer to see him you'd be dead? Or your neighbors told you to trade your car in because it was old and bound to start breaking, but the mechanic could tighten a bolt for $50 and have the car be fine afterwards? When you consider something as crucial as governing a society, it is folly to leave the choices in the hands of a population that doesn't know what is best for them. Experts are required to make important decisions.

The same principle applies to life: We can't make our decisions based on what the popular majority thinks we should do. To do so is not only to forsake any sense of individuality, but to possibly do something that isn't right by us. And it gets hard to remember that, particularly when the people who almost unanimously advise us the same thing are people whose opinions and thoughts we trust. But, even then, their thoughts no less governed by social influences and partial information than anyone elses'. They, ultimately, will have the same biases and subjectivity that we all do. So if even those who are experts might be swayed from objective truths, and where does that leave us?

No matter what doctors say, or mechanics, or horse specialists, it is still the person in question (the patient or car- or horse-owner) who ultimately has to make the decision. We would be fools to discount the council we are given, but we would be just as foolish to take that council as absolute truth. We are the only ones that are fully aware of our own situation, and we must temper outside council with personal knowledge. Ultimately, we have to listen to ourselves. We have to look inside ourselves, and trust our inner nature to decide what is right for us. And then, we have to pray that we have the continued strength to follow the happiness that doing so brings, despite what others might think...

Cuteness Squared

2006-04-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

(No, these aren't mine.)

Ostridge Syndrome

2006-04-01T22:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know if that's the actual name for it. I don't know if it's actually a "syndrome" for that matter. Hell, I'm not even sure if I spelled "ostridge" right. But the movie Clerks turned me on to the concept: If I can't see it, it isn't there. I think tonight I realized that I subscribe to that belief more often than I might've thought, and there's one big problem with it: Sometimes, you do see, and then it is there. ... And what then?

Cars and Things

2006-03-29T12:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not a material person; really, I'm not. But I will own a Caterham 7 some day; I don't think my life will be complete without it. (www.rmsci.com/picarchive/jpe1.jpg) Now, I've touted the merits of the 7 on here before (http://wannabesage.blogspot.com/2004/11/super-7.html), so I won't do it again. But goddamn that's a sexy car! To me, anyways...

I thoroughly embarassed some guy in a civic yesterday; that was fun. These days I don't do much road racing anymore (I've matured a bit) but this guy was just on my ass, and I had a car in front of me; that pisses me off, because even if I wanted to go faster, I couldn't, so what good does tailgating me do? Anyhoo, after bathing him in my washer fluid, the car in front of me turns, and I'm left with the "Ignore him or dust him" option. I went with option 2. I was whipping around turns at roughly 60mph in 2nd gear (which is about as fast as my car goes in 2nd gear, but it wasn't worth upshifting because I was pretty much driving those turns at the limit anyway). And I was pulling away from him, not so much because my car corners better (my 6-cyl accord is much bulkier than a civic), but I think because I was either A) gutsier in my approach or B) a better driver. Maybe both. In any event, as I come out of the last turn he starts to gain a bit (maybe I didn't take that turn as well? Maybe he got bolder? I dunno.) However, it didn't last long because by that point we were on a straightaway and I just went "nope, 3rd gear" and left him far behind. Seriously folks, that's better than sex. I mean, sex is fun and all, but my legs aren't shaking for 10 minutes after sex. I had a hard time pushing the clutch afterwards because I was so weak in the knees.

The need for speed...

2006-03-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

or posting. Whichever comes first. Looks like posting.

It's funny, but nothing spurs me to write here more than someone commenting on something else I've written here. ... Unfortunately, spurring doesn't equal having something to write about.

So, um... come here often?

Okay, how bout this? Why the hell can't I get to bed at a reasonable hour? Seriously... I always intend to go to bed by midnight, but it never seems to happen. It's not that I'm getting old (I am) and need to go to bed early; I'm just tired of sleeping until noon; I waste my whole morning! And then I don't feel like going to class at 1, 'cause I feel rushed and I like to relax and take my time when I first wake up. It's a fiasco! (That's my word of the week... "it")

Um, what else... Empire today will bring floor samples to you to look at, and you save on their factory-direct prices. Apparently.

Also apparently, I have nothing to say tonight. I'm going to go. Sorry for wasting your time, but you can't have your five minutes back. They're mine now, suckers!

The key to it all.

2006-03-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

I am one fucked up bear... why, you ask? Mind your own fuckin business internet! Besides, shouldn't you instead be asking how a bear could type with those massive paws?

The sickness

2006-03-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start a seperate blog, I think, and only make entries when I get sick. Hands up, who thinks they'd see more posts on that on than this one? Yeah... me too.

I don't know what gets me sick so often. Actually, I'm fairly confident it's a combination of no vegetables, minimal fruits, no supplemental vitamins, and the occasional late night/early morning combination. I'm going to start working on those things though... take vitamins and whatnot.

This time sucked about as much as I can remember. I actually can't remember any recent times that were worse than Monday and Tuesday were. When I finally gave up trying to get better on my own (I try to avoid getting antibiotics too often because I don't want to build up a resistance to them), I had to have my mom call to make a Doctor's appointment and my brother had to drive me there. I was fucked-up. I had a 101 temperature (which accounted for the POUNDING headache over monday and tuesday), a "pretty bad" throat infection, and "probably" a sinus infection. Oh yeah, and my cold sores (yes, I have herpes of the mouth, okay? don't judge me!) are in force; I don't remember having this many. There's six or seven in my usual upper-lip area. (And they hurt like hell this time; usually there's just an odd sort of "numbness" in that area.)

But although I'm not 100% better, I feel a lot better. My head doesn't hurt anywhere near as much, my nose isn't as stuffed, my cough seems contained, and my throat hasn't hurt since sunday (I've been sick since saturday). That said, I'm gonna get going for now. Try to scrounge up something to eat, and then probably try to get more sleep. Stay healthy! (I'm trying self-affirmation there; I don't care if any of you get sick. Okay, well maybe Tom. But other than him, you can all get The Clap for all I care. Fuckers.)

PS: Being sick makes me ornery. And horny.

Too long

2006-03-03T12:03:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not referring to- nevermind. But seriously; two weeks in between posts? That's crazy-talk! What kind of blog is this where I go two weeks without posting?!? Well, I suppose it's one where not much happens in my life over the course of two weeks (that I'm willing to write about on here, anyway.... Some things are better left un-typed).

What's new? I'm addicted to Tetris again. Fucking game. I swear to god, I deleted it off my laptop so I wouldn't consistently play it for 3 hours before bed, and after a few weeks I thought I'd kicked the habit, but upon reinstalling it I found out I'm just as weak as ever. ... I need an intervention. (Although, I'm proud to say that, despite playing for shit over the past few days, my scores typically get in the 200,000 range, and I've peaked around 350,000. So I'm fairly pleased with that.)

Um... OH YEAH! I was gonna write about X-com on here! X-Com is a computer game that came out back in '94 (no comments from my younger readers, please), and was voted game of the year. The basic premise is that aliens are attacking earth, and you have to stop them. Same ol' same ol', right? But no! X-com took it in a totally different direction. Sure, you have missions where you have to explore an alien crash site, or a terrorized city, and you move your troups in turn-based combat. But they did it well, adding various types of terrain, various types of weaponry, different personnel attributes (such as marksmanship (which determined how good of a chance a guy had to hit his target), speed (which determined how much a guy could do in a given turn), and morale (which affect the other attributes positively or negatively, depending; a character with minimal morale (maybe the commander was killed during the mission) would panic, drop his gun, and run).) Your guys could duck, take aimed shots or rapid fire shots, peek around corners... it was incredibly well-done.

BUT THAT'S ONLY HALF THE GAME!!! The OTHER half is the business portion, kind of like civilizations. The company is funded by various governments, and they'll increase or decrease funding based on your ability to counter the alien threat in their borders. With their funding, you have to build additions to your base (alien containment facilities for sustaining/interrogating captured aliens, storage places, barracks, labratories, hangars, etc), build new bases, buy equipment (planes, weapons, ammo), hire staff (soldiers, scientists, engineers), and pay for base upkeep (including the salaries of your staff; you don't just pay once for them, it's a continued expense and too many can very quickly drive you bankrupt). The scientists research alien technology, allowing you to understand and use it. (For example, they might comprehend an alien gun, but not yet an alien ammo-clip. So if your troups find a gun in combat they can use it, but they can't reload it.) Engineers can replicate the technology and start building you supplies. And, of course, if you're in a pinch for money, you can always sell off the alien artifacts for a nice profit. (NEVER sell the Elerium-115. You must trust me on this; you'll need it later in the game, because your engineers never learn how to make it.)

So, yeah, I re-bought X-com on ebay, and I'm eagerly awaiting its arrival! (I paid $23 for it; that's pretty high for a game over 10 years old, which indicates how great it is.) My only concern is that the last time I tried to play the game (probably why I got rid of it) the sound didn't work on the newer computer and the game moved a little too quickly ('cause computers are much faster than they were in '94). I've found a mod online that slows the game down some, but the sound is crucial too, because in battle, sometimes the only clue to where an alien is hiding is the fact that you hear a door open and close on one of their turns.

LOL... what does it say about me, that the most exciting thing that I (am willing to) write about for two weeks is a video game?

ARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

2006-02-20T07:29:00.000-08:00

The restaurant I work at sits on a river. In my dream last night, however, this became an ocean (or at least a bay). And from that larger body of water, we were the victims of frequent pirate raids. I'd had enough, so I started trying to assemble a team of coworkers to counter-attack the pirates on their own turf, in a somewhat-secret cove. That was the basic plot of my dream.

It was quite intricate though. I was going through a list of people in my head who would join me in my efforts. It was all guys (I guess I didn't feel right taking women into battle), and they were all front-of-the-house employees (which is strangely normal for me; I see the back-house guys as coworkers, and I have no beefs with any of 'em, but my front-house coworkers I see as more "commrades-in-arms." They're the ones I always think of for a party, or birthdays, or whatever). Anyway, I was thinking "Chad could fight... Bo... Thomas..." and I came up with five people besides myself who might join in my raid, but I needed intel on how many pirates there were. That was problem number 1, 'cause we could each handle 5-6 pirates at once, but if there were more than that, we might have a problem (I don't know why we were such great fighters, but it was implied that our style was kung-fu). So I planned on this event being a few months down the road so the proper info could be gathered. (Plus, we needed the time for me to take a trip to China so we could get high-quality combat-steel swords really cheap.)

Also, the timing was important. When should we attack? If this was a couple months down the road, it couldn't be after work, 'cause we'd be in full summer-swing and we'd all be too tired to fight after work. So I decided we'd have to request to work only a day shift on a Friday, and use the evening-time to attack. This way we'd still have plenty of energy to fight because we'd be used to working an additional five hours anyway.

There was a crusty old guy working with us too, whose advice I was asking as far as where the cove was, how we should attack, etc. But the funny thing is, there was no record of him ever being an employee. Even the bookkeeper showed no evidence of ever having cut him a check. But everyone remembered him working there when they started, so no one doubted that he was a real employee. No one, except me, when upon asking his advice he would ramble incoherently about something totally off-topic. He was a pirate spy!

Although the attack never happened in my dream, the plan was worked out to the details. We couldn't canoe all the way into the cove, 'cause the oars might make noise and give away our presence while we were still all clumped together- an easy target. So we would canoe in just far enough so that we could swim easily, and we'd be in a line, attached by a long length of rope between each of us. Everyone would start to move when the line in front of them was pulled taught, and when the line went limp, they knew a) how far they were from landing at the battle and b) that the person in front of them had joined the fray. We had to attack in waves. The distance between each of us was the same, so that just when the pirates thought they had the attack handled and the one (or more) of us was about to be overwhelmed, here comes the next reinforcement.

So, needless to say, it was an odd dream. I think it was partially fueled by the pirate/ninja rivalry depicted in the comics at: http://drmcninja.com/index.html (in the current storyline). And even the old pirate spy I can see coming from Dr. McNinja too (if you read the current storyline, you can kind of make the connection). For those of you who know me, you are aware that I typically daydream myself to sleep, and last night was a duel with me as a speed-enhanced chinese martial arts master fighting against an organized-crime-hired equally-speed-enhanced japanese martial arts master. So I can see how that lended itself to kung-fu fighting in my dream. What I want to know is, how in the FUCK did the ninja from my daydream end up in my friend/coworker's dream, as depicted below? ... strange things are afoot at the Circle K...

"So Im at a friends house with a few friends and apparently he has a sub mom (much like a sub teacher) and shes teaching us some random crap, I don't remember and then the place turns in to a daycare. A bunch of kids come in and start tearing up the place. We walk outside and it seems we've just come out of Circut City so they sit down on the curb and make a line to wait for the PS3 to launch. After a few min some Zombies come and try to get us. One of my friends is eaten. Pity. Then we decide "hey, we're hungry, lets get some food"...so I say "Ok I need to get gas first" so I take my car to the nearest station. Upon arrival some lady starts hitting on me so I drive up to the next pump where theres this old asian dude. Then out of nowhere this crazy ninja comes out and they start to fight. The ninja kills the old dude and then I realize Ive been watching this fight through a security camera and Im working at a Burger King. Then I wake up because I just can't take working at a BK, that is just too scary. "

Mourning

2006-02-17T13:41:00.000-08:00

I attended a funeral service for a cowork of mine from the bank yesterday. She was in her early fifties, I think. Smoked and drank daily and had a stroke. I have a sense of admiration for her, because she lived her life the way she wanted right up to the end.

The church was packed. So was the hall where they had video feeds. So was the walkway outside. Now, the church and the hall weren't all that large, but still... I'd say there were at least 150 people there. I can't imagine having so many friends and family... I think that must have made her happy.

I'm not much for crying; it's not that I think it's unmanly or anything. It's just that at this stage of my life, I don't see much reason for it. Rather than cry over a loss, or a pain, I try to be grateful and appreciative of the life, or the experience. Nevertheless, when her kids came out of church, I couldn't help but tear up a little bit. They're 19, 17, and 13 I think. 13 and having to attend your mother's funeral... who wouldn't cry at that thought?

She wasn't the hardest-working coworker I've ever had, but she was by far among the most fun-loving. I firmly believe that she's in heaven. She brought so much happiness to so many people in her life, I can't fathom that she hasn't earned her own. RIP Carol; you'll be missed.

The truth behind "Waiting..."

2006-02-13T14:43:00.000-08:00

"You see, I don't work within the exact boundaries of the law, because I wasn't consulted when the goddamn laws were made. No, instead, nameless, faceless politicians, the so-called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I mean, come on! I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest you do the same. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality, I were to do something that was considered illegal, so be it. I feel no guilt whatsoever. And furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system by adhering to laws that I do not truly believe in, then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality. It's- It's so- -phew.- In a sense, by having sex with Natasha, I'd be preserving the rights our forefathers fought and died for, right?"

"Well, I guess-"

"Bro? Um, it was a rhetorical question."

(PS: I've updated my blog so that non-blogger readers can comment again; you just have to type the letters that show up on the screen which is supposed to cut down on spammers.)

The proof is in the pudding...

2006-02-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

and it's all over my face. (My coworkers will appreciate the innanity of that intro.) What is it that always makes us dismiss what our parents say? Even when we're older and, theoretically, wiser? My dad constantly (obnoxiously) spoke of the necessity of frequent hand washing. It didn't matter what we were doing before dinner (peeing, playing video games, sleeping, hell- even showering) we always got the "Did you wash your hands?" And I always dismissed it with a grain of salt; I mean, I think I wanted to believe that my body could handle any germs or whatnot that came from a videogame controller (I do wash after peeing, so :-P ).

But I'm sick again, and every time I get sick, the fucker lasts for a week or more. And this time in particular I've come to the decision that the main reason I get sick so much is because I don't eat enough fruits or veggies; and I do think that's partially the case. But I was talking to a regular customer of mine last night about how I don't like going to the doctors if I can help it (I don't want my body to develope a tolerance of antibiotics in case I ever really need them one day), and she said she was the same way. "Yeah, I'm the same way. I just drink a lot of juices and rest and wash my hands a lot." And for some reason, coming from her, that made a lot more sense. And it's not that I don't respect my father (although I'd lie if I said my former childlike perfect view of him hadn't become slightly more realistic), but I still think he's a great man and I hope I wind up at least somewhat like him. But, in any event, for whatever reason the whole hand-washing thing made more sense coming from my customer than it ever had coming from my dad. So I figure that I'll spend the next few months trying to pound apples and oranges and spinach and other healthy things and washing my hands nigh-obsessively and see if I still get sick. Maybe I just have a weak immune system. Who knows? But whatever it is, I hate it.

Britney's been replaced

2006-02-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have known me for a while, I used to have a mild fanatical obsession with Britney Spears. I think it had more or less ceased by the time I started this blog. I just lost respect for the gal. In spears-time, I started losing interest with that whole overnight marriage thing, and I finished losing interest with that whole "I'm going to marry a douchebag loser" thing. But before those two moments, I was all about britney. I had the CDs (a fact that I'm somewhat embarrased to admit, but you know what, I still think her songs are okay). I had a couple posters. I never sent her a birthday card or went to a concert or anything too stalkerish, but although my top-5 (sometimes top-10) list always changed, she remained a constant at the top. Until, you know, she went crazy.

I accepted applications for the position for some time (metaphorically speaking, of course). There were lots of possible candidates, but they each had something that regulated them to a not-first position. Angelina Jolie? Smoking hot and sexy, but if Britney got the boot for being crazy, it wouldn't be fair to give the spot to another psycho. (A vial of blood around the neck? That's kind of hot, but mostly just scary.) Natalie Portman? Beautiful girl, seemingly down to earth and unglamorous, but I think that's what hurt her. My number one celebrity dream chick should be glamorous, I think. Isla Fisher (the redhead from Wedding Crashers)? Everyone knows I have a weakness for redheads, and this gal has the potential for number one, but firstly, I don't think she's a natural redhead (not a deterant in-and-of itself, but I don't think she typically has red hair), and secondly, she doesn't seem to get that much exposure. I'd never heard of her before Wedding Crashers, and even after looking her up, I can't even tell you what else she's done. These are some of the top candidates, but none of them seem suitable.

Well, I think I've finally found Britney's replacement: Vanessa Lengies. Now, like Isla, I hadn't heard of Vanessa until "Waiting..." came out; she played the not-quite-18 hostess. (She's 20-some in real life; I'm not that creepy.) But, upon further research, she's been in quite a few things; just not things I've seen. She apparently had a relatively regular role in the show "American Dreams." She seemed to co-star with Hillary Duff in "The Perfect Man." Other stuff too, like TV shows and a voice-overs in Arthur movies and stuff; but in those things, she's a tad too young for me to take an interest. But the point is that she has been around for a while, and with two more movies in the works (including a gymnastics one; me-OW!) it looks like she'll be around for a while too. On top of all that, a lot of the pics I found of her have her acting goofy (kinda like the way Britney used to; sticking her tongue out and laughing and stuff). So she seems to have a fun-loving, comical approach to life too.

The only thing that scares me is the look. Before you say "wtf? She's hot! And isn't that why she's on your list?", yes, she is hot. And that is why she's on my list. But I've been burned (or burned myself, depending on your point of view... probably the latter) by no less than two italian chicks in the past, and so I have a hard time accepting her as the top. Not to punish her for my past; I just don't want to be hurt again. (For those of you who don't know me all that well, that last sentence is a joke. I'm not in the least bit concerned about my celebrities hurting my feelings. What are they going to do? Go on Leno and say "Oh, and Chris is a douche and I fucking hate him." ... okay, so that's happened twice... but I don't think it will happen again, 'cause I've stopped killing puppies as a means of showing affection.)

So, yeah. Vanessa Lengies is being given the position for a probationary period. We'll give her 90 days; see how she fits in with the rest of the staff. (No pun intended.) And, you know, if everything is going well, we'll see about getting her the spot on a permanent basis.

No Cheese

2006-02-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

You know, I'm starting to feel like this blog is just becoming some sort of whiny sounding-board for me. I don't mean it to be; actually, I guess it isn't; I'm just cranky at the moment, so my outlook is all pessimistic-like.

In brief, I have had the worst weekend at work (fuck just a day) that I can remember in a looooong time. I've been berated multiple times each day by multiple customers for multiple petty reasons; multiple enough that I don't feel like going into them, partially because my brain is trying to forget them, but one fucker in particular stands out for asking me for bread TWICE before everyone at the table had even finished placing their drink order. But, on top of all that BS, my grandmother has been staying here this weekend, which means I've been ousted from my room and have been sleeping on the basement sofa/floor. I say "sofa/floor" because it's more accurate to say I've "attempted" to sleep, and I atttempted to use both the sofa or just the floor, each with minimal success. So I've had a shitty weekend on no sleep, and I want nothing more than to go to bed right now, but I can't because my grandmother's staying tonight as well, and, of course, everyone is in the basement obsessing over the Stupidbowl. (To boot, they've been so good as to light the fireplace, which means the basement will be 90 degrees when I try to go to sleep (too hot for any kind of blanket coverage) but 40% by the morning (which means I have to stumble around in the dark without my glasses to try to remember where I put a blanket before I went to sleep). I don't know what else to write, but "-sigh-." And that fels lame. So I'm just going to sign off and probably go try to sleep in the living room.

Abuse

2006-01-31T15:49:00.000-08:00

I got my ass kicked at school today (For those of you just joining us, it's a martial arts school. I'm past the point of going to school with bullies.) My first class was just me and a brown sash, who is normally rather meek but today was what I might call over-zealous. A somewhat-missed front-sweep resulted in my half being blasted by his shin; that'll probably be a bruise. One of the techniques we were doing involved blocking in some way or another, and every time he blocked my punch, he made contact with me in such a way that he ground my shirt into that really sensitive area by your underarm. So now it's like I have rug burns just above both biceps.

Later today, shih-fu (that means instructor/father) went to teach some basic self-defense techniques to a group of girl scouts, and he took me along to help out (hold bags, watch them, etc.) Now, I'm not sure if shih-fu was showing off, or if he mis-gauged some distance, or what. But one heel kick to my stomach made VERY solid contact, an arm break demonstration WELL overextended my elbow, and the underside of my forearm is killing me for a reason I can't quite remember. And (this is the kicker), AND (okay, not literally a "kick"-er, but I can see how you might make that mistake), AND!!! the following dialogue also took place during the demonstration.

Girl Scout 1: If someone grabs you from behind, can you flip them?

Shih-fu: Sure, you can flip them.

Girl Scout 2: Can you flip him? (Pointing at me.)

Shih-fu (smiling): Yeah, I can flip him.

Girl Scouts 1-8 (virtually simultaneously): Will you do it? Can you? Flip him, please!!

... So, yeah, I got flipped for the first time today too. (He was gentle. In a straight way.) And whoever claimed that women are the caring, nurturing, gentler species, has clearly never dealt with 13-year-old girls.

G the B

2006-01-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm updating every week or so; that's not too bad, right?

I finally got my Greg the Bunny DVD back from my coworker this past monday. SUCH a great show! Why do all the truly funny shows get booted from TV after one season? (I mean besides The Simpsons. And Family Guy. And Friends. And Cheers. And, okay, you know what? Why did Greg have to get booted after one season?) I've watched all 14 episodes since I got it back. It's truly classic comedy. It centers around a sesame street-like show called Sweetknuckle Junction. The difference is that, in Greg the Bunny, the puppets are real and have as many psychosis (if not more) than their human costars. Hilarity ensues.

An example, you request? Okay. Warren Demontague is an alcoholic, drug-popping, classically trained actor. He's also a puppet ape. Tardy Turtle is, well, a turtle. And he's retarded. (Seriously; the show wasn't very PC; hmmm... I might have just answered my earlier question.) Here's an example of an interaction between the two:

Warren: Hey Tardy... listen, I need to fill some seats tonight, how'd you like to come to my play?
Tardy: I... I like to play with Warren.
Warren: No, Tardy. I will be IN a play. You understand?... performing.
Tardy: Aw, I'm not 'upposed to eat da Legos.
Warren: [mutters] Eauh, God... It's like talking to Keanu Reeves.

I know! It's awesome, right? A further example of it's wit? The opening menu for the DVD is narrated by Greg himself. "Hi, you're watching Greg the Bunny. If you want to pick an episode, just click on "Episode Selection." If you'd like to check out special features, just click on the, uh, "Special Features" over there. And if you'd like to pick languages... you... probably don't understand what I'm saying anyway..."

So, yeah, Greg the Bunny is awesomeness incarnate. You (all two of you) should check it out. I don't know if Blockbuster would have it or not; but Best Buy has it for $22. You should buy it if you can't find it to rent; seriously. It'll be the best 7+ hours you've ever spent, I guarantee it. If it isn't, I'll... give you the 8th hour free! (Yes, yes, I ripped that off. I'll give a 9th hour to anyone who knows from where... lol; actually, I just remembered from where, and it's a popular movie, so I'm sure most people will know.)

PS

2006-01-22T18:58:00.000-08:00

My instructor's band is called "Crofton Daniels." They have a sound I'd only describe as metal/punk/rock/ish. But they sound good; an excellent guitarist. Check 'em out.

(Another PS: Remember when I wrote that my instructor had told me to brace myself? I still have the bruise. Tomorrow night makes a full week.)

POV

2006-01-22T17:28:00.000-08:00

"Obi-wan... why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."

"Your father was seduced by the dark side of the force; he ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view."

"From a 'certain point of view'?"

"Luke, you're going to find many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view..."

I spend tonight trying to decide if my point of view is askew or not. I feel slighted, abandoned even (and not for the first time), by someone I consider to be family, and I'm wondering if I am justified in feeling that way. The person in question will probably take issue with me writing this out, rather than discussing it in person, but the fact of the matter is that by time I might get the opportunity to talk about it, the hurt and anger will have faded, and I most certainly didn't have the chance to talk about it tonight; so I write on here, if for no other reason, to get it out of my system rather than cling to it, which is most unhealthy.

I made plans with my friend two (maybe three?) weeks ago to go see a show tonight; my instructor is the singer in a band and they were having their first(-ish) real gig, and I asked him if he wanted to go and he said sure. As recently as last night, that was still the plan. As I'm getting ready to go down there (about 45-50 minutes before intending to be at the show), he tells me his girlfriend will be hanging out for a while before she goes to dinner at her parents', and that he and I can get something to eat after the show if I want. That's fine; no real problem there; I've become accustomed by this point to expecting his girlfriend to come along on anything we'd planned to do (unless they're fighting, which is roughly a 50/50 shot). So I just get a small cheeseburger on the ride down to hold me over until after the show. However, when I get to his place, roughly ten minutes before I mean to be at the show, he tells me he was "sucker punched" into having dinner with his girlfriend at her parents place. I'm sorry; when did it become rude to say "Well, I kind of already had these plans; I'll have to come another night"? So, okay, that's fine; they'll come to the show with me, hang out, and then they'll go eat, right? Nope. The bands are running a little behind, so they hang around with me for one song and then bail. So, no dinner and virtually no show. And I'm left hanging out with my classmates (who I know, but not particularly well by this point; it was the first time I'd seen any of them outside of class), an empty stomach, and nothing to do after the show (which was only 40 minutes; and I had no intention of sticking around for the other bands, because everyone else that I knew by this point was already leaving too). So where does that leave me? Home, punching away at the keys here, hungry, because I want to go out to eat, but don't want fast food, but also don't want to sit by myself in a restaurant (I'm not above doing that; I just don't want to tonight). Between work and martial arts, I don't feel like I have too much free time anymore, and I was looking forward to enjoying myself tonight. And, despite a good show, I'm now not.

So I ask you, dear readers, is my point of view off? Am I unjustified in thinking the way I am? I am in no way wanting him to choose between me and her; if he wants to date her, that's entirely up to him and it's fine with me. (Besides, I know full-well what that choice would be.) All I want is to feel like slightly more than something that can be tossed aside at a whim; I want my feelings to be considered before plans with me are thrown to the wind. Christ, all I fucking want is a commitment honored, or, if it can't be, at least tell me more than ten fucking minutes before said commitment; give me a chance to find someone else who might go, you know?

And I sit here, simmering and stewing, attempting to figure out if I'm justified to be hurt and upset, and, even moreso, if I am justified in feeling that way, is it worth my effort to hold onto the anger or should I just let it go? This is my friend I'm talking about; my best friend; my brother. He's one of three people (including my actual blood brother) I consider to be in very close running for being my best man should I ever get married. I don't want to stay mad; I don't want to think about what life would be like if we ever had a blow-up fight and I never got to talk to him anymore. But I also don't like wondering if any plans I have with him will be altered or abandoned last minute; I don't like being expendable, and that's how I feel.

Maybe it's just jealousy. (I'm not gay, fyi; not even bi-curious.) But maybe I'm just jealous that she gets his attention now instead of me. I mean, this is a man who's played a large role in my life for over a decade; maybe I just feel like I'm losing him and it scares me. Actually, I can confirm that; it's no 'maybe.' I do feel like I'm slowly but surely being cut from his life; that hanging out with me doesn't mean as much to him as it used to, and that's why it's so easy for him to brush me off. But that's my still-lower-than-it-should-be self-esteem talking. I don't really believe that's the case; but it's hard to not think it.

Anyway, I'm going to go get some food now. I dunno where; out somewhere. Hope everyone has a better night than I am so far.

I'm Kung-fu, bitches!

2006-01-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

I don't think I've talked about my experiences since I started my kung-fu training (in addition to my tai chi training), so here are some keepers.

My first class ever, the only person my age/height was the instructor. So, when we partnered up and took turns holding/hitting/kicking bags, he was the one I worked with. Needless to say, black sashes can punch and kick very well, with a lot of power. So it made me kind of sore. But then when it came time for mock-sparring (only open hand strikes; no punches, no kicks, etc), again, he was the one I worked with. So that was a learning experience.

Later that week, I- you know what? I'm exhausted right now (8 hours of work capped by an hour of class), so I'm going to put a halt on my stories. But tomorrow(ish) I'll edit this post and throw you more tales of adventure and excitement. Good night.

-(Continued from Tuesday's post)

So, later that week was a fuller class, and I was paired up with another white sash named Butch. Now, you would probably think that Butch has had some sort of prior martial arts or combat experience. I sure thought so (he says he hasn't). But the reason I thought this is because his kicks have crazy amounts of power, and he can punch faster than I can count. (Butch is, I'm gonna guess, early 30s.) And, at the end of that class, I had the pleasure of sparring Butch. I missed the black belt. I did okay against Butch, but at some point he unleashed his lightning punches upon me and I couldn't do anything but go defensive. (Although I've since been formulating strategies for our next go-round.) Remember Street Fighter 2? Remember Chun Li (the only female character) or, even better, E. Honda (The fat sumo-wrestler)? Remember his 100-hand slap (or Li's lightning kick)? Yeah, I think Butch learned from them. Seriously; you weren't there!

And lastly (for now), when the owner of the school tells you to brace yourself, you'd better get ready for some ouch. He drove into my bicep a total of three times, and left my arm half-asleep. (And I have no doubt that he was restraining himself.) A seperate (separate?) time, he had me on the floor before I knew what was happening. (Again, restrained; I mean, he didn't clobber me and drop me, which, to me, only emphasizes how much more effective the technique would've been if he had wanted to do so.)

But, through all the bruises and the pains, I'm loving life. I can (and do) spend hours at school and, despite being exhausted and hungry at the end of the day, the time flies by and I can't think of a better way to spend it. These days I've been promoting the merits of studying martial arts (particularly at my school, thanks to a healthy dose of school pride) almost as much as I have being single. And, with that, I'm going to sign off again. Ciao!

YAY!

2006-01-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

My titles are starting to have less and less to do with my actual subject matter. In this particular instance, I don't really have anything I'm 'yaying' about on here. But 'yay' just seemed to fit, so there you have it.

I was going to go to a show tonight; try to hold onto some of my rapidly-fading youth. I was going to see a singer named Imogen Heap. (Think of Kylie Minogue's beats, Poe's voice, and Bjork's quirkiness... I read about her in the local paper and was intrigued by her throwing off of different record labels and producing her most recent album on her own.) I bought the CD yesterday, and it was cool; kinda dance/techno/trancy/things; but when I got to the place tonight, the show was already sold out, so that was kind of disappointing. (I primarily blame my unwillingness to wait in line in the biting wind for a performer I'd barely heard of.)

And then, I saw a commercial on TV tonight for Veronica Mars, and it's supposed to be guest-staring a band called "The Faders." And they were chicks (I prefer female vocalists infinitely more than male vocalists) and the ounce they played of the song sounded okay (punk/pop, but more towards the pop-end of the spectrum (unfortunately)), so I tried to look them up. The only thing I found of theirs on the web was on the Veronica Mars soundtrack! I thought every band had a website these days; even the ones that weren't popular, much less one's that actually are getting on TV! But I was apparently mistaken. I was able to hear the entire song though, and it was decent, and the main reason that I'm writing about them here is because if they do achieve a moderate amount of popularity and actually release a CD of their own, I'd like to have something to remind me of their existence so I can check for it every once in a while.

Other than that, things is pretty much the same. I have no fewer than five friends in relationships that I don't think they're happy in. And every one of them seems stubbornly intent on staying in it. So, you know, that's wonderful.

(PS: I just went to amazon.com and did find that The Faders have a full-length import CD, so I'ma see about getting that in the next few days. I know you all were worried.)

I have a dream

2006-01-14T11:54:00.000-08:00

When I buy my own house, the first thing I'm going to do is go out and buy a biiiiig mailbox; a ginormous one; a big, tempting, plastic white one. Maybe I'll even paint a little target on the side. And THEN what I'm going to do, before I install it, is I'm going sit it open end up, and I'm going to fill about 80% of it with concrete; give it a good 3-4 in coating around each inside surface. Those of you who don't know why are either fortunate or, well, I won't say old, but how about 'out of touch.'

What is the thing with 'mailbox baseball'? I was driving home from class and I saw a solid half-dozen or more mailboxes that were either on their sides or had big holes in them! Now, I know kids will be kids; I think I'm little more than just a big kid myself, and I'll admit that there are times when I get carried away with something and not think about possible consequences. I mean, if kids are out playing baseball in an alley, and one of them cracks a homerun right through Mrs. Stoffalita's kitchen window, that happens. (Mind you, the kids should own up to it and they or their parents should pitch in to replace it, but it was still an accident.) But to take up a baseball bat, say "Fuck that little white ball, let's go get in the car and drive around hitting mailboxes!"... that's not mischievous, it's malicious. I mean, I guess this makes me old, but seriously; don't they have any respect for other people's property? Shit, if you want to drive by and hit a mailbox with a bat, do it at your own fucking house! And what really makes me cringe (and I hope I'm not giving anyone ideas here) is that the next logical progression, from where I can see, is taking a baseball bat to joggers on those back country roads. Weee! Isn't that fun?!?

And that, dear readers, is why I will probably spend the first three months in my new house awake every night, looking out my window. So when those punks drive by and take a swing at my mailbox, and the force of them hitting concrete knocks the batter out of the window, I can see it and laugh. And then go kick the shit out of him while he's dazed. That's what martial arts is all about.

Who's scruffy lookin'?

2006-01-08T20:38:00.000-08:00

Disorder type---------------% I am---------Avg % of surveyed

Paranoid--------------------- 22%-------------- 49%
Schizoid--------------------- 54%--------------- 53%
Schizotypal------------------ 82%--------------- 53%
Antisocial-------------------- 38%--------------- 47%
Borderline------------------- 22%--------------- 47%
Histrionic-------------------- 34%--------------- 43%
Narcissistic------------------ 62%--------------- 41%
Avoidant-------------------- 42%---------------- 39%
Dependent------------------ 22%---------------- 37%
Obsessive-Compulsive------ 30%---------------- 40%

Disorder Info
Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, SchizotypalIndividuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and NarcissisticIndividuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-CompulsiveIndividuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

Grave Circumstances

2006-01-08T20:09:00.000-08:00

That is how I return to you faithful readers tonight. I come back here to vent because I'm fairly positive I hurt someone tonight; my only solace is that maybe I helped her as well.

I had talked myself into dating a relatively newfound friend (worked with her years ago, didn't talk with her for a while until recently reconnected through a mutual friend/coworker). She's an awesome girl (although I suspect she would argue against that), but my gut was telling me that I shouldn't date her (I have to start listening to that). I overruled my instinct, however, and we proceded to start dating. I had fun with her, I really did. But, as any of you who read faithfully are aware, I really don't want a relationship and possibly won't ever. And when I found myself in what was effectively a relationship with her, that point became very poignant, and I realized something had to change: either me, or the relation between her and I.

That wasn't a snap judgement; I thought about it for a few days, because she's a total sweetheart and I was worried about regretting things if I did end it. But I ultimately decided that even if I one day wanted a relationship, her and I probably didn't have enough in common to be successful long-term (despite how much fun I had with her, we really did have very dissimilar interests). So, with that in mind, my only option was to stop what we had, take some time apart, and hopefully be able to remanufacture the friendship that made hanging out with her fun.

But, in the middle of what was essentially breaking-up with her (which she agreed, given everything else, had to happen), I was still trying to help her out. Her self-esteem is nowhere near where it should be for someone as great as she is, and I tried to point out that she needed to learn to be happy with herself and do what was best for her before worrying about finding someone else. It's kinda funny, because my advice to virtually anyone/everyone is "Be Single." It's as though I get a commission off of people who stay single; like some sort of pyramid scheme, perhaps. (Ed Note: The term "pyramid scheme" will probably get me some spam about that here; betcha.) But I think so few people realize how great it is.

Everyone tells me that all relationships involve compromise. Well of course they do. Because the people in them have spent so much time either in a relationship or else looking for one, that they have no real clue about what they themselves want! They've spent their whole lives grooming themselves for what they thing others will want! So of course compromise comes natural to them; they've not only been doing it their whole lives, but I think in many cases they don't even know who they are to really "compromise" that.

So, I preached to her a bit amidst the tears and the laughter (I can't help but try to make light of a serious situation). I tried to offer my advice as far as what I thought was best for her, but, more importantly, that if she looked inside herself, she'd know what was best for her in any situation. I told her that I enjoyed talking with her and hanging out with her, and that I thought we should take a month or so and not talk to each other to put some distance between us before we tried to be just friends again. (Actually, I made it a month-and-a-half-ish, 'cause a month would put things right before Valentine's Day, which despite being a crock of a holiday in-and-of itself, would probably complicate the friendship process.) And that was that. Part of me feels bad, because I know she was at least a little upset and I hate having to make people feel that way. But for the most part, I know I did what was right by both of us, so I'm clinging to that. With all of that said, I'm fucking exhaused from trouble sleeping last night and a long day today, so I'm off to bed. I won't even bother promising to try to write more here; let's just see what happens. G'night all.

A little premature...

2005-12-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

...but aren't we all?

"Meddy Chri-ma!"

"Is nothing sacred?"

"Aw, who let the two-headed monster be Santa Claus?"

"Oh, but Bert; he said that he'd never been in a play before. I mean, they said it. Both of them said it."

A Muppet Family Christmas is the best Christmas special EVER!!! My only regret is that the VHS version is missing scenes that I know I've seen on the TV version (namely, a song and dance routine with a snowman and a home video of the muppets as kids, among others...). I can only hope that when I one day get the DVD, those scenes will be restore to their rightful place in the movie. All that said, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!

And here we are again

2005-12-21T17:32:00.000-08:00

What does that title mean, you may ask yourself? Is it in reference to a return to blogging after a week-long absence? Nay, it is nothing that profound. It's an allusion to the fact that every FUCKING Christmast I wind up getting sick. Every fucking one! I swear to god, I'm so sick of it. I think my first ex put a hex on me, 'cause that's how long I've been sick every christmas. It's quite infuriating, I assure you.

But this year I'm attempting to beat the punch; at the onset of the cold, I called and made myself a doctor's appt, and am currently taking antibiotics to help me beat this bugger before the magic day arrives. The downside, however, is that I'm too sore/distracted to continue to work on my pictures, and I was already well behind them when the week started. (FYI, for christmas presents I've been drawing pictures for the people I care about; 1) It circumvents the commercialism of christmas, but 2) it takes time and consideration to do, in my opinion, making it a more meaningful gift. Of course, this assumes that they get done.)

So what else is new? I'm struggling to get past my aversion to dating so that I can continue seeing a rather cool young lady. It's really difficult, because I keep worrying about where my future will take me, and whether or not there's room for anyone else. But I suppose that there's little reason to worry about that now; let the future will take care of itself, I say.

I'm going to try to get off to bed at the moment; rest and liquids and whatnot. But I'll be seeing you.

The band or the wagon?

2005-12-16T09:16:00.000-08:00

It's both! Yes, that's what I've fallen off of; the blogger bandwagon. I've not updated for some time now, and the last one was just a survey that I answered in my down time; not the most interesting read, I know. So what gives? I don't know; I think a large portion of it has to do with the fact that I'd namely be writing about the current girl in my life, but she reads this, and Jackson has always cautioned (and sometimes flat-out berated) me against using a blog as a means of communication, even an unintentional one. bah, fuck it. I don't think anything I'd write at this point is anything she didn't already know.

So we'd dated for two weeks before I told her I didn't want to date; and it really was all on me; I'm fucked-up in the head. What we currently have remains nameless for the moment, despite the fact that it effectively is dating. But I think it's namelessness allows me to enjoy it (vs. last time, where I was just a nervous bag of, um... bricks. Yeah, nervous bricks; right... good analogy...) The problem in my head is that, after six years of being single, I grew to like it and to expect it and to incorporate it into my plans. (And after I decide on all that, I've had more women in my life in the past year than ever before that.) All my visions for the future now? It's just me there; no Mrs. TheStampede anywhere in sight. So in my over-analyzing mind, if that's the case, then any dating I would do at this point is just spinning my wheels and stringing someone else along, because it'll eventually have to end if my bachelor-future is going to arrive as I've come to think it will (which is why I struggle to "date" anyone). And it's not that I couldn't change that vision; it's just that it took me six years to change to it, so it will likely take me some time to start thinking "okay, maybe I won't be single; we'll see." So while I'm effectively still dating the girl I told I didn't want to date, I'm not calling it that, and it's kind of circumventing my fucked-upedness.

All that being said, our nameless-association is going very well. I talk to her (well, primarily through texting and IMing) much more than I might've expected to; truly, more than I'd care to admit, because I make my best efforts to take things as slow as I can (for reasons already named). But despite that fact, I'm usually the one to initiate contact on a given day; I like talking to her, I suppose, and I've never been very good at restraining myself from overindulging in the things I like (a look into my bank account is proof of that); so that's what I find myself doing with her. And I'm grateful for the fact that she didn't write me off after I told her I didn't want to date her; I could tell she was upset for a day or two, but after that it was as though I'd never said anything, and we kept plugging along in the process of changing our amicable acquaintance into something more. But I really had no intention of continuing a dating path when I said as much, and I made a distinct effort not to for a week or so afterwards. Which means that it was either her persistance, or her disbelief in what I had said that led us to where we are now. Maybe she saw through my psychosis and decided that I might be worth the time if that could be surmounted? I don't know. Whatever the case, though, I'm glad she did, because I am enjoying myself these days.

PS: I've noticed that I don't have the option to choose the date and time of my post anymore... most peculiar...

Remember when these things used to come via email?

2005-12-10T08:20:00.001-08:00

Nowadays its all blogger... anyhoos, beneath these two surveys (which I really don't mind doing every ONCE in a while; hence, me doing them) is an actual post. It's short. But it's there. So there.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Me

2. Where was your first kiss? in a school bus playing truth or dare

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? no

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? sometimes; oh, wait, sorry. thought that said 'hit-on'. No, no; I hit them on, like, a daily basis.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? not really

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? laugh/legs/eyes

7. What really turns you on? that's on a need-to-know basis, and I don't need to know. So I don't. Go ask a gal in Towson. ('cause she knows.)

8. What do you order at Starbucks? the s-bucks is little more to me than a former meet-up place for my ex and I.

9. What is your biggest mistake? Well, this one time I was a groundskeeper, and I was told to kill all the gophers on the course. But, see, my boss? He was scottish... I thought he said "golfers"... But I should get out in another 10 years on good behavior.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? lol; I've set myself up for a couple of times.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. Chris pound keys make words.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? People always confuse me with Brad Pitt.

13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? does anime count?

14. Did you have braces? not no mo.

15. Are you comfortable with your height? Until it starts drinking; my height's a bitch when it's off the wagon.

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? combed her hair and showed up at my work with a DVD she bought me (you have to understand, this gal was all about low expectations...)

17. When do you know it's love? When the person switches the neon sign from "applause" to "awwwww..."

18. Do you speak any other languages? I remember minimal french, but I'm learning dirka dirka.

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? nyet

20. What magazines do you read? Car ones; namely import/tuner ones. Occasionally maxim

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? yep

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? I was friends with some of the golfers...

23. Do you watch MTV? no cable, but I've heard it doesn't even show music videos anymore; what's all that about?

24. What's something that really annoys you? people. Also, dogs who drive to slow in the fast lane.

25. What's something you really like? Drag racing was fun. (at a track, you jumping-the-gun bastards!) So is making out. ... wouldn't recommend trying both at the same time though...

26. Do you like Michael Jackson? like his older music; lost a lot of respect for the man

27. Can you dance? Can I dance? Can I DANCE? Can a white man jump? Is the Pope Protestant? Is- no.

28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? most recently was til 4Am. But I've all-nightered it a couple of times, most recent of those was to watch all six Star Wars in conjunction with the midnight release of Episode 3. That's right, I'm a nerd.

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? don't think so

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? on occasion.

Survey # 2

1. Of all the bands/artists in your cd/record collection, which one do you own the most albums by? Garbage or No Doubt; No Doubt has more albums out, but I have a couple of Garbage singles to even the score.

... Okay, the rest of this survey is too music-specific for me. Just read my profile for my top-ranked bands, and I tend to prefer female vocalists over male vocalist. Notable male exceptions? Elvis, The Cure, The Beatles, Saliva (kind of), Jim Croce, Simon and Garfunkle. (Note that most of them are older groups.) And with that, I'm going away.

Holy Hell!

2005-12-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

It's been almost a week since I wrote on this thing! I hope they don't cancel me; I'd hate to lose the extra $1000/mo I get for this. That's the going rate, isn't it? I'd hate to think I'm getting short-changed...

So, yeah, Thursday night? I would definitely classify that as a "good" night. Arguably one of the top ten days I've had in the course of my life. It was, um, yeah. It was good. And, I want to write more about it, but I shouldn't. So I'm going to leave it as a "good night." And morning. And afternoon.

Um... yeah.

2005-12-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

I haven't written on here for a while. It's not that I have nothing to say (well, nothing less than the usual triflings I put out anyway). I think maybe I've become bored with it. I dunno.

I will say I've been thinking more and more about trying to make a career out of teaching martial arts. Yes, I know that I tend to get carried away with things, and that I'm very impressionable, but on the flip side it makes a lot of sense to me. Here are the following positives that I see:

1) I love studying martial arts. I've never once left class in a bad mood, regardless of my mood going in.

2) I've always felt like I was meant to be a teacher. In this case, I can teach something useful, but I can also impart my own life thinkings and philosophies upon my students, rather than be told to dictate someone elses.

3) It's a healthy profession.

4) I'd be my own boss.

5) I could be a role-model and inspiration to kids; someone responsible that they can learn from and turn to with their problems. (This might even rid me of the socially-imposed and genetically-implied desire to have kids. I don't think I really want them, but I would like to be able to influence a child as they grew and help them to be the best they could be.)

Anyway, I talked to my teacher about this, not 'cause I think I'm ready to open a school today or anything, but because I wanted to get his advice on what I could do now to help achieve that goal. He told me that he was actually getting ready to send out letters to a few students (including me) telling them about a new "student assistant" program where some of the more advanced and responsible students would help to lead the classes in exchange for almost neglible discounts and a special weekly class on how to be an instructor and the history of the school and whatnot. So I'm going to do that, and I'm fairly excited.

Yeah, but other than that? I got nuthin, so I'm gonna go now...

Catching up

2005-12-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I posted. Again. This time was a purposeful absence though. I've had to deal with unpleasant thoughts/decisions for the past few days (well, past week really; decisions were made by tuesday.) And out of respect for that person's privacy, I won't write about it up here, but the short version is that I think I hurt someone. I think she's okay, or at least very shortly will be, but it doesn't erase the initial sting. And I hate doing that; I consider my purpose in life to be to make people laugh; to teach them how to be happy. To do the opposite of that, even if its sometimes necessary, pains me more than I think most people realize.

So, I haven't written here because that's pretty much all that I've been dwelling on the past few days, and all the uneccessary guilt that goes along with Catholic upbringings. But now that I feel the tension has resolved (at least on my part, but I believe on hers as well), I now return you to your regularly scheduled postings.

Um... okay, this is, uh, past this station's normal operating hours... please join us again tomorrow at, uh, o'clock for another broadcast day.

The real story of Thanksgiving

2005-11-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

This is the story of Thanksgiving according to those plucky, funny, assholish bastards over at Tshirthell.com. If you enjoy sick humor, and aren't easily offended, go check them out. If you get offended at the thought of senseless violence and bigotry, then just stay the hell away. Anyway, the story made me smile; sometimes things are so rude that I can't help but chuckle.

"[The True Story of Thanksgiving)There has been plenty written about the first Thanksgiving. Seriously, reada book once in a while and you'll see. It was great because there had beena good harvest. The white man taught the Indians how to turn corn intowhiskey, and they taught the white man how to smoke dope and turn birch treebark into primitive LSD. But it was always meant to be a one time thing.But the Indians had other ideas. They started to show up every year. Whileinitially finding the Indians amusing with their clown make-up, flamboyantheadbands, and leather diapers, the white man now realized they were just abunch of dirty hippies, sitting around looking for a handout.Even worse, while the white man just wanted to sit around and watch footballon Thanksgiving; the Indians all wanted to play lacrosse. The Pilgrims knewlacrosse was a godless, heathen activity and they thought it looked reallygay.True, the white men liked nailing the Indian princesses. They were reallydirty, and you could generally have your choice for just a few beads or someshiny buttons. And even when you convert that to today's prices; banging achick for 50 buttons is still a pretty good deal.But the Pilgrims had plenty of farm animals to bugger and they liked todrill holes in pumpkins when they needed immediate sexual gratification.When their wives found the pumpkins with the holes drilled in them they toldthem they were 'jack-o-lanterns' and created a whole phony 'Halloween'tradition to explain them away. So, the Pilgrims decided to try and make aclean break with the natives.They hatched a plan. They would cook up all of the worst shit and feed itto the Indians. Cook up turkey, which they knew would be dry. Then stuffit with old, stale bread. Make a sauce out of cranberries which are thenastiest, sourest fruit. And they would take all of the jack-o-lanterns(yes, those jack-o-lanterns) that had been lying around in the sun for amonth and make them into pies.Needless to say it didn't go well. Everyone was pissed and the Indianssulked around afterwards. Even though they had enjoyed the pumpkin pie,they didn't even stay to try and find the afikomen."If it's so much trouble to cook dinner for us," the Indians said "Nextyear, why not just make reservations some place?"Well, the white men loved the idea of making reservations for the Indians.It took a couple hundred years for the white man to get around to making allof them, but soon they stretched across the country and they seemed to worklike a charm. Even the Indians admit dealing blackjack beats dancing to tryand make rain. Plus, they're all pretty numb from the boozing.I can't believe Indian's still take part in Thanksgiving Day parades, and infull traditional outfits no less. It always seems to me like Jews takingpart in a celebration of Hitler's birthday and dressing up in concentrationcamp outfits.Now, Americans love Thanksgiving, because now, we don't have to inviteIndians over our houses. Plus, it's another reason to stuff our rich, fat,American faces. It's not just another excuse to over eat, it's almostmandatory. If you don't eat until you're bursting on Thanksgiving, youmight as well wipe your ass with the American flag and then strangle yourmother with it while you sodomize her. And I know a lot of you arethinking, "wipe your ass with the American flag and sodomize your mother?Isn't that how they celebrate Ramadan?" All I can say to that is I'm notsure. In my house all we celebrate is something I like to call, 'Hot SexualKwanzaa'."

PS: Tshirt hell guy: if you find this and are displeased that I've reposted it, please just tell me rather than sue and I'll be happy to take it down; but I figure it's just free advertising for you, right?

The war continues...

2005-11-26T00:54:00.000-08:00

***** Says:
on November 25th, 2005 at 4:53 pm
Are you serious? A waiter who goes out to eat on thangsgiving is selfish? Yes, all waiters should stand in solidarity and never eat out, ever. First of all no-one is forcing the waiter to work on thanksgiving. Life is about choices and if you dont like working on a holiday quit. It’s like saying if a person gets into a car crash and has to go to the hospital on xmas then he is selfish because the doctor on duty has to work on him. And who said going out to eat is putting more focus on food than family? Some people may not cook, they may not be well enough to make a dinner, or they may be just be lazy. This is America, and America is about choice. Did you ever consider that some people are not American and Thanksgiving or xmas is just another day to them? Did you feel deprived when the customer left you a tip? I bet the mexican dishwashers arent complaining, it’s just the overpriviledge american like your self. You didnt think about the water boys did you!

christhestampede (christhestampede69@yahoo.com) Says:
on November 26th, 2005 at 1:51 am
I’m going to make one more post on this topic, then I’m done. I’m not going to keep debating on this poor guy’s blog; it’s not my place (unless he gives me permission, but he probably feels like I’m attacking him, so that’s not likely). However, I want to leave one more comment because my arrogance doesn’t want to be seen as backing-down.
1) My last refuter used one of the craziest slippery slope arguments I’ve ever heard. According to him, since I said that servers should be considerate enough to not eat out on the holidays, I obviously think they should never eat out. Given that, my next “logical” step is to claim that no surgeons should ever have surgery. That makes sense, right? (And I KNOW he’s not comparing serving someone turkey to saving lives…) This isn’t about going out to eat; it’s about keeping certain holidays as important.
2) If you’re going out to eat, you’re depriving someone else of being with their family. Even if you’re lazy, not well, or unable to cook, (and I mentioned this above) then just microwave a friggin’ pizza. But those who ARE lazy, ill, or who can’t cook are HELLBENT on getting the “traditional thanksgiving dinner,” so they go out to eat. Hence, they care more about their food than about the importance of family.
3) Is the “if you don’t like it, leave” argument something you use for immigrants too? Or is your job so incredible that there’s nothing you would change about it? I wonder how many of you accusing me of whining have to work on the holidays at this point? I suspect it’s very few, and I wish I could see your reactions when they’ve lost enough of their importance that even your cushy office jobs force you to work them.
4) “Did you ever consider that some people are not American and that t-giving or xmas is just another day to them?” Oh, you’re right. I’ve forgotten about the people visiting our country so they can WORK here for a WEEK before they go back to their native land… . Are you SERIOUS?!? If they’re working here, they’re AMERICANS! (And I can understand how xmas might not be a big deal, but t-giving is an AMERICAN holiday.) The Mexican dishwashers aren’t Mexican anymore; they’re Americans! If they’re working in this country, it’s because they want to live here. And I KNOW they value their families too; that’s why they send every last dollar they make across the boarder in an effort to help move them here to be with them in the land of opportunity.
This isn’t about how much money I could make on Thanksgiving; it’s about understanding the true meaning of the holidays. I’m not griping about the normal, day-to-day customers that we encounter; I’m talking about the loss of the sanctity of holidays. I’m saying that even if I were to lose out on $50,000 dollars worth of business, I wouldn’t keep any establishment I owned open 365 days a year. Again, unless waiter emails me, says “please feel free to comment on my blog as often as you like,” I won’t talk about this again on here. However, if any of you still think I’m wrong, and you want to continue this discussion, the email I use here is my real one. Drop me a line, and let’s see what you’ve got. (And Waiter, I apologize if I’ve monopolized this too much, or abused my commenting privilidge; It wasn’t my intention to do so. I just obviously feel strongly about this and wanted to address points as they came up. My rantings aside, I DO hope that you had a happy thanksgiving; keep up the good writing.)

Some people...

2005-11-25T15:08:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm making up for lack of previous postings today, huh? I went back to the aformentioned blog to see if my comment had stirred anything up. It had. Here's the response I got, and what I fired back. (I deleted the names to protect myself from lawsuits from these money-grubbing sorts.)

***** Says:
on November 25th, 2005 at 1:33 pm
There always has to be a few who just never give up. Complain to a restaurant and its workers in New Orleans. I am sure they would love to hear you bitch about how they should not be open.
christhestampede Says:
on November 25th, 2005 at 4:04 pm
Yeah, good argument strategy. Use an unrelated tradegy in an effort to allow emotions to overrule reason. As far as I can gather, that’s what Bush continues to do with 9/11. How ’bout this? Ask a restaurant worker in New Orleans who lost someone in that tradegy how happy they are that they couldn’t spend LAST thanksgiving with that person because they were working and now they won’t ever be able to again. I can almost guarantee you that the people who had to suffer through that mess appreciate family and time spent with loved ones more than the almighty dollar. If not, well, then shame on us all for creating such a materialistic environment.

I'm back

2005-11-25T11:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know that was quick. But I encountered something that I couldn't not comment on. One of the websites I read regularly is a blog at www.waiterrant.net. I really like reading it because I can relate to the business-humor on the site, and I can relate to the more philosophical musings on the site. His most recent post, however, was a quick "Happy Thanksgiving" and a comment that he couldn't seem to avoid restaurants because he was going out to eat with his family. A few of his more mindless followers commented with a cheery happy thanksgiving, but one of them called him out on the fact that he was eating out. That person was more or less berated by everyone else who posted, and I couldn't let that slide. Here was the comment I wound up posting to the blog (feel free to go to the side to read some of the "beratings" that I'm addressing):

I'm amused by the fact that someone called it "lame" for people working on Thanksgiving (or, gasp, Christmas) to be upset about it. Yes, yes, if the restaurant is already open, why not go there? By all means, stop on by; encourage the owners to CONTINUE TO KEEP IT OPEN. That's why I have to work on T-day; that's why I have to work on X-mas. If people STOPPED going to restaurants or movies or home depot or WHEREVER on Thanksgiving, it wouldn't be profitable for those places to be open, and their employees would get the days off. Do I make good money on the holidays? Of course I do. But to some of us there's more important things, like seeing the family we don't get to see the rest of the year. I can't tell you how infuriating it is to pull together an 8-top so that the OWNER AND HIS FAMILY can enjoy dinner whilst I wait on them. I'm not "making up a gripe;" I'm speaking for everyone I work with. I agree with Ranty; for Waiter (who has undoubtedly had to work holidays in the past) to perpetuate this new tradition of eating out seems not only selfish but, if he's EVER had the thought of "man, I can't believe I'm working on christmas," hypocritical. The thanksgiving tradition revolves more around family than food. So your family is coming from out of town and you don't have the time or ability to prepare a full-course meal for them? That's fine; I understand that. Buy a couple of frozen pizzas on wednesday and cook 'em on Thursday. I can't believe we put more stock in the food tradition than the family tradition. Turkey and stuffing don't make thanksgiving, because if it did, those servers who have to work would be celebrating it as surely as you were. Time spent with family and friends is what we should truly be thankful for, and that's he holiday we deprive others of by making them work on the day. I love this website; I read it regularly and I will continue to do so; I think Waiter is very insightful and he often gives me something new to think about. But I can't believe he went out to eat on Thanksgiving, and I can't believe the amount of flack Ranty caught for calling him on it. I'm just sayin...

PS Again

2005-11-25T11:12:00.000-08:00

And in response to all the comments about 1985, it was a great year. It just wasn't the year the girl I'm dating was born. It wasn't..... Also, I had the male, heterosexual equivalent of a crush on marty mcfly also, in that I thought he was very cool. I think he's the reason I wanted a skateboard (I think I rode it twice).

Well, there was this giant badger, see...

2005-11-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

I've been very lazy about posting lately, but I'm only partially apologizing because I've just been lazy in general for the past week or so (I haven't practiced any tai chi for 3 days now, and unless i get my ass in gear today has a strong possibility of being the fourth.) My sleep schedule is all fucked-up, a result of late-night online conversations and a job working late that lets me not unwind for sleep until midnight at the earliest anyway. I had off yesterday for T-day (a miracle and a half, considering that we're open 365) and I went to bed at midnight. Time I finally got out of bed this morning? 10:45. Now, I grant you I tossed and turned a bit before falling asleep, but still. I hate when I sleep that late; it's not like I have so much to do, but I pussyfoot and lolligag and do other distracting things (like post to a blog) to the point that I suddenly run out of time to do the things I did have to do. So, on that note, I will cut this particular posting short, and promise to maybe sorta write more at some point in what people might possibly refer to as a "near" future.

PS

2005-11-21T02:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, it was an old posting. Check it out:

http://wannabesage.blogspot.com/2004/11/volunteerism.html

That was a year ago, and I'm just now catching spam. Grrrr...

Obligatory posting

2005-11-21T02:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's been a while since I've posted. It's not really for lack of anything to say; honestly, if I had to guess, I'd say it's because of a sudden reimmersion into the gaming world; I've spent many late nights recently playing Tetris and Chrono Trigger on the emulators on my laptop. So if I haven't been posting enough to your liking, well, that's why.

Unfortunately, this has been a long day for me, and I'm not going to post much here right now either. I will say two points: 1) I had my first official date tonight with a gal I've known for a long time and it went well; she cuddles good. The only non-great part (which is more funny than anything else) is when the show we were watching mentioned the year 1985 and she commented on how that was the year she was born. So, yeah, other than less-than-subtle and inevitably-repeatable reminder that I am, in fact, getting old, things went well and I eagerly await the follow-up date.

2) I've been catching and awful lot of spam comments on this thing lately, but the irony is that is hasn't been (I don't think) on any of my more recent posts. If I'm not mistaken (from the slew of emails I've received), they've all been directed towards my "volunteerism" post from a long time ago. (Of course, now that I've used that word again, I'll get another slew, right?) Anyway, that's all I have for now. I'll do more later. One day. Soon. Honest. Good night!

A monkey? That's fitting...

2005-11-17T12:23:00.000-08:00

You Are A: Monkey!

Monkeys are intelligent and agile, well-adapted for jungle life as they swing happily from tree to tree. As a monkey, you are a social animal who eats a wide range of food, is quick to learn new things and loves to climb. A monkey's tiny primate features are irresistable, as is his gregarious personality!

You were almost a: Duck or a Bear Cub
You are least like a: Turtle or a Groundhog

http://www.cuteducky.com/cute_animal_quiz.html

Horoscope

2005-11-16T15:43:00.000-08:00

Scorpio: "Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse."

I love the Onion.

(On a side note, I can think of at least one person who would've found that particularly amusing, but I don't think she reads this anymore... oh well!)

Request fulfilled

2005-11-16T15:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, I was asked to write this story by a coworker of mine (apparently my blog is beginning it's run for popularity; yay!), so here it is. Well, it's less a story than a rant, I suppose; big surprise, right? But at work last night, we weren't really too busy, but we were steady which is nice. (As much as I bitch about it when I don't expect it, this is our dead-ass winter season and I'll take "steady" as often as I can get it...)

In any event, I had a slew of disgruntled tables last night, but here's the opening kicker: it was their attitudes that told me as much rather than anything they said. Folks, listen to me a sec. If you're out to eat, and you aren't satisfied with your meal, then just tell your server as much when they ask (and a good server should ask at some point). Don't mope your way through your meal, lying to preserve your servers feelings and being just miserable with what you ordered. Speak up, and get something else, or get it cooked properly, or whatever.

Now last night everyone was grumping and moping and, as far as I could tell, just generally displeased with their experience. (A few verbally said as much after they were done eating, as if I could do anything for them then. (I could; I could take money of the check, but my personal feelings is that they should've spoken up sooner and allowed me to rectify the problem. Otherwise, how do I know they're not just trying to score a free meal?)) But the overwhelming number of discontented people really annoyed me last night. My restaurant is not four-stars, by any stretch of the term, but it is nice. The food is good; I eat their virtually every time I work, and I occasionally splurge on our higher-end items. The food is very good, and I ordinarily get no complaints. So either their was something in the air that night, or else Tippy the Wonder Tard (the primary reason this rant was requested) was in the kitchen making the food all night. And since we fired Tippy (we're an 'at-will' employer), I'm convinced that everyone either met in the parking lot beforehand and agreed to complain, or else they just discussed as their paths crossed between entries and exits.

"This job would be great if it weren't for the fuckin' customers..."
-Randal, from "Clerks"

I hate people...

2005-11-15T01:20:00.000-08:00

So, I leave for work today at 5:15. I start at 6:00. (This is all PM, mind you.) It takes me roughly 25 minutes to get to work. Ergo, I have a 20 minute window. I decide to use said window to get a last meal of taco bell, because I plan to start eating much healthier come wednesday when I get my braces off. Now, I wasn't going to go inside; just drive through and eat on the way.

I pull into the drivethru lane, and there's 3 cars in front of me, plus whoever else has already pulled around to the first side window. (Author's note: actually, I think taco bell only has one window anyway...) And I'm sitting there in line thinking "Do I have time for this, or don't I?" As I do with most things in life, I decide to wait a bit and gather more information before making a decision. (I believe it was Descartes who argued that it was only man's limited knowledge of the future that prevented us from being perfect.) So I wait a minute, and the cars are going at a decent rate (wound up being about 1.5 minutes per car), and I figure even if it took me 4 minutes to get my food, that still left me with 10 minutes to spare, so I wait it out and place my order.

I drive around, and there are only two cars left in front of me. The one immediately in front is a BMW; not sure what first car was. However, the guy in front was waving his hand around angrily towards the girl in the window. She was holding his receipt in her hand. She disappears, returns with the receipt. More angry hand waving (including that index-finger-up bullshit that indicates "I'm talking and you're going to wait") and girl disappears with receipt again. I call work and tell them I've "run into something 'traffic-y' and might be a few minutes late." More money gets exchanged. More food is passed out. Another receipt arguing scenario. Finally, the guy pulls off. It's been, no lie, 12 minutes. I'm frustrated, but figure I still have time, so no biggie.

BMW pulls up to the window. I can tell from my flanking position that the total on the screen is for my order (unless the BMW ordered the exact same thing; it didn't). There a brief altercation as the woman in the BMW not-so-kindly explains that it wasn't her total. (I couldn't hear the woman's words, but I picked up tone and hand motion again; and I could hear the girl apologizing.) Soda is passed into the car and girl turns back (presumably to go get the food). Soda is in the car no more than 20 seconds, and then it's back in the woman's hand and hanging out the window. She's frantically trying to get the attention of the girl and ultimately resorts to yelling through the window (I can barely make out the "excuse me!"). Girl comes back, listens a minute, and takes the soda back inside. A few moments later, returns with a cup to the window (not sure if it's the same one or not), and proceeds to wipe it down with a napkin before she hands it out the window. I'm not 100% sure what had happened, but if I had to guess, I'd say the soda had some perspiration on it, and the BMW woman didn't want it ruining her fancy car. 8 minutes later, the woman drives off and it's my turn.

I pull up to the window and, dejectedly but professionally nice, she says "I'm really sorry about your wait." I say "Is it me, or were the two cars in front of me total douches?" She hesitates for a second, processing what a customer has just told her before smiling more genuinely and says "yeah." I reply "I kinda thought so, and I wasn't even the one who had to deal with them." I give her my money. A minute later she gives me my food. I slip her an extra five dollar bill. "Don't let yuppie shitheads get you down," I tell her. She kinda looks at the money, then at me, and manages a surprised "Thank you."

Now, you may ask why I gave a total stranger $5 for nothing, and here's your answer. After who I've become as a person (i.e. not willing to take shit from people) and the time I've spent as a server in a restaurant (begrudgingly taking shit from people), if I were in her shoes, I would have undoubtedly kirked-out on the second customer (if not the first). The fact that she stayed apologetic and calm to them, and managed to smile and be nice to me speaks volumes of her character, I think. And, again, if I were in her shoes and had just put up with all that, an understanding soul who was willing to try to make it all better would've gone a long way to actually doing just that. So hopefully I managed to balance out the good/bad ratio of her night. (Of course, the important-looking business woman behind me probably gave her an earful too, so there goes that theory...)

The moral of the story? Going to taco bell will make you late for work, no matter how much of a window you have. Also, if you have a problem with your fast food, take it up inside rather than hold up the whole fucking drive through lane!

Those little nagging doubts...

2005-11-14T11:42:00.000-08:00

You know, we've all had a point of conversation, typically involving thoughts or feelings, that we weren't sure was a good idea to talk about. But, for one reason or another, we decide that we should, and so we start. And yet, not more than four words into the conversation, our thoughts immeditately shift to "FUCK! I knew I shouldn't've brought this up..." This more or less happens when the other person's looking at you sideways with a puzzled expression (sort of like when your dog doesn't understand what you're doing). Usually, it takes nothing more than the word "Wha...?" or "Huh?" or something on their part to make you feel completely foolish for what you've started saying and creates the need for you to justify things as you say them.

But, we aren't all always blessed enough to have someone listen to our little burble and just basically go "okay" and move on as though nothing out of the ordinary had occured. And for those of us that are, we should be thankful, because it'd be very easy for the other person to accent what idiots we are.

It's new to me!

2005-11-13T12:31:00.000-08:00

I don't remember ever coming across a survey that was alphabetically listed, so I'm gonna roll with it...

A - Age of 1st kiss: Counting truth or dare? 13/14? First real kiss...? nineflaghtlahdteen

B- Band you are listening to right now: I'm jumping back and forth between Dresden Dolls and Snake River Conspiracy

C- Crush: Difficult to see; always in motion is the future

D- Dad’s name: James (Jim for short)

E- Easiest person to talk to: Too many too count; maybe I just talk a lot

F- Favorite ice cream(s): Something with chocolate and maybe something else. I'm not an IC connaseur.

G- Gummy worms or gummy bears? bears

H- Hometown: Baltimore, MD; currently hailing from Abingdon, MD (No stalkers!)

I- Instruments: ... I think I play the skin flute pretty damn well...

J- Junior high: Wasn't really a "junior high," but St. Margarets

K- Kids: I'm intrigued by the concept of someone that has to listen to my wisdom...

L- Longest car ride ever: You'd think it was canada, but no. Coming home from Disney in one day took fucking forever!

M- Mom’s name: Louise

N- Nicknames: I always manage to leave one out of this question: Skywalker, Earp, Huckleberry, crees-toe-furr, chetma, hitman, 'stopher, ...dammit! I always forget at least one...

O- One wish: Strength of will

P- Phobia[s]: fucking bees!

Q- Quote: Lord, everyone who knows me knows I quote movies out the ass; here's one from a video game: "You don't need a reason to help people," and one from a TV Show: "Crayons taste like purple."

R- Reason to smile: I'm learning how to use a sword

S- Song you sang last: I sing a hunnert songs a night at work! Um... hooked on a feeling? I dunno

T- Time you woke up today: Noonish

U- Unknown fact about me: Unknown to who? If you, say, even four of my close friends together, there's nothing they don't know about me. I have no skeletons in my closet. ... Some are lying on my bedroom floor, under a pile of clothes though...

V- Vegetable(s) you hate: If it's green, I'm no fan

W- Worst habit: Delusions of grandeur

X- X-rays you’ve had: teeth

Y- Your favorite person as of right now? Plead the 5th; too hard to answer

Z- Zodiac sign: Scorpio; lol, I am my evil twin!

Desire

2005-11-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

There is suffering. Suffering is caused by desire. The cessation of desire leads to the cessation of suffering. The cessation of desire comes from following the noble eightfold path.
-The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism

"The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering." -Yoda (Episode I (II?))

Leave behind all of your posessions and come follow me.
-Jesus (paraphrased)

"Love? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi..."
"Possession is forbidden. Attachment is "forbidden." But compassion, what I would call unconditional love, is central to a jedi's beliefs. So you might say that we are encouraged to love."
-Padme & Anakin (Episode II)

These are just a few examples of various different beliefs that all decry attachment and desire. This applies not only to material things, but to people as well. I think the last quote is perfect for all of us, because it shows a warping of honorable principles in order to accomodate one's own selfish desire. Anakin is equivocating two very different concepts of love, and I think that's what most of us do. When we say we want love, what exactly do we mean by that? 99% of the time, we mean we want someone to love us. That's the love Anakin refers to as well. The love of which the jedi speak is that of compassion; that of loving others. And that's what people miss out on. We're so hellbent on finding that "right person," but it's a search to find someone to love us and make us happy. Our definition of "Mrs. (or Mr.) Right" almost never includes our ability to make them happy and to love them.

This is a particular point of interest for me right now, because I have a lot of desires swirling about in this head of mine. (You decide which head.) And I know that I shouldn't act on them; that they are attachments, desires, that will only lead to trouble and suffering. But then the weak side of my personality kicks in, and I wonder what the point of having desires is if not to act on them? But that is just weakness talking... what it truly boils down to is that I cannot use anything, people or things, to promote my own happiness. If my actions do not contribute to the happiness of others, than I should not be doing them. And with that, I suppose, my inner conflict is resolved. Not easily, I should say, and probably not permanently. But for now, I know that which I should do from that which I should not.

Things to say

2005-11-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

An ironic title, because I don't really have much to say tonight. But I feel like I've gotten into the habit of posting regularly, and don't want to disappoint my readers (Hi mom!). So, that said, here I am.

I will say that I really, really, really need to get out of the house and on my own. It's reach a point of embarassment, I feel. That, and I get irritated when my parents stay up to watch the news in the basement rather than upstairs in their room. It's distracting to try to write anything meaningful on here when that's buzzing in the background. I also feel like they're becoming distressed about the fact that I'm less and less involved in their lives; I think that's typically a normal occurance, however, in most cases, it happens as the child moves out of the house. I haven't reached that point yet, so I think they feel as though something's wrong because I don't talk as much. Of course, when I'm talking with hot women online about sex and sexy things and other sex-type-things, they have about as much chance of getting my interest as mynoc had of chewing on the Millenium Falcon's power cables. ... yes, I'm a nerd. But I don't care. Star Wars rules!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheriously, yo

2005-11-09T02:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, I don't know where the hell all the sexy talk has been coming from lately. (Not on here, obviously.) Lord knows I didn't ask for it; I'm trying to stay away from those sorts of complications for right now. All I know is, I have spent the last four nights (tonight included) hot n bothered because of the conversations I was having, and someone had better blow me before the week is out! (Put your hand down, Steve...)

Adventures in Bethesda

2005-11-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

1) Never eat at McDonalds ever again. I'm serious. This new health kick they're on? It's BS. I always knew their food was bad for you, but it wasn't until I was bored waiting for my friend to get off of work yesterday that I actually looked at the nutritional charts, did the math, and blew a gasket. (Not literally, thankfully.) In one 15-minute sitting, I ingested roughly 1600 calories, 100%+ of my daily fat allotment, 100%+ of my daily saturated fat allotment, and it didn't even touch on cholesterol. Ugh! I mean, I'm no doctor, but all that can't be particularly healthy for us. And that was only two sandwiches and a milkshake!

2) I've included a picture of the mall from hell. I shit you not, this place was crazy. I've represented it in my drawing as best as I can from memory, but I'm fairly sure that it's accurate.

You can click on the picture to enlarge it, but if you still can't read the legend, the black is street, the red thing is the mall (with only one entrance), the green things are empty parking lots or garages with no physical way into them, and the light blue is the only fuctioning parking lot. After you park, you have to walk (backwards) around the mall twice before you can even hope to find the entrance, but that's only if the god-dwarves are in a good mood.

Latecoming

2005-11-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

I didn't get the chance to post about my camping trip. This is partially because my thoughts were otherwise occupied last night, but mostly because it wasn't the sort of experience I could really write about. Here's about all I can think of to say: 1) It was fun and great to get out of the house and into the wilderness. 2) Jackson and I spent 5 hours trying to keep our fire going with what little fresh and damp wood we had. (For those of you not camping-inclined, fresh wood doesn't burn well. Neither does damp wood. 90% of ours was both.) But it was a good time; we roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and made hot chocolate, and ultimately put out what was left of our fire by peeing on it (not simultaneously). (Another note to non-campers: peeing on hot embers is likely to leave you with a large and continuous stream of smoke in your face; almost as thought the fire is pissing on you. ... mmmm, now that's insightful...)

Anyway, it was a good trip, and tonight I'm head to bethesda-area to watch FFVII: Advent Children with an old HS buddy of mine, so that's cool. I'm Audi 4 niz-ow; I'll holla @ u laidher!

Shining ain't happening; rising doesn't look good either...

2005-11-05T00:31:00.000-08:00

You know, I try to get up at a decent hour in the mornings. Really, I do. On nights I get to bed on time (unlike tonight), I aim for 9AM, and on those nights that I don't, I aim for 10AM. But the mornings I'm aiming for 10, I wind up finally getting out of bed a little after11, and those days I aim for 9, I usually wind up getting out of bed a little after, um, 11. And when I was a teenager, I didn't really mind that. But now I really feel like I'm wasting a large chunk of the day, and it bothers me. I don't know if I'm not getting the right vegetables or what, but my ass'll hit the snooze alarm right up until 11, regardless of when the actual alarm is set to go off.

I mean, it's not as though my days are so chock-full of things to do that I don't get them all done when I sleep in; hell, I joined a gym and a martial arts class just to give myself something to do during the days. ... Maybe that's why I don't get up earlier? Because subconsciously, I think I'll be bored? (Hell, consciously I'm fairly positive I'd be bored too...) I've thought about getting a second job, 'cause extra money doesn't hurt and it'd give me a reason to get up, but now that I have gym and tai chi, my schedule would consist of very specific hours, and I don't see anyone shy of McDonalds tolerating such a strict schedule. Maybe I'll look around anyway; lol, that'll give me something else to help pass the time in my otherwise unoccupied mornings/afternoons.

PS: As a technicality, it's now offically my "happy birthday." May the enjoyable temporal periods commence motion in a circular pattern! (i.e. 'Let the good times roll!')

Spamly Spam

2005-11-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

I've been getting a lot of pop-ups since we got DSL. I don't know if Netzero did a better job of blocking them, or if being constantly "tethered" to the evilnet gives them more opportunity, but whatever the case, it's obnoxious. Just sayin'...

Jackson and I are going camping this weekend! I'm really excited about that, because I don't get to go hiking very often, and I can't even remember the last time I spent the night in the wilderness. It should be a great weekend of male-bonding. (He doesn't know it yet, but we're going to leave our cell-phones home.) You know, the typical stuff... smoking... drinking... maybe playing some cards... peeing on bushes... good times. It's only $25 bucks for the night, so that's reasonable, I think. $25 to upkeep the few natural lands left is, for me, a steal. But I'm excited about it. Not "who the hell am I talking to online?" excited, but excited nonetheless.

Senility

2005-11-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

"Hi there sir. My name's Monty, this is my trainee Mitch; we'll be taking care of you. How're you today?"

"Oh... I'm slipping slowly into senility..."

"And how's that working out for you?"

"It's a mixed bag."

"The good?"

"I can walk around outside in my underwear... give little children the middle finger... but as long as I have a smile on my face while I'm doing it, people think just think I'm senile."

"And the bad?"

"Well, sometimes I give little children the middle finger and I don't realize I'm doing it until I get slapped, so I really am going senile..."

"Aw, come on; senility can't be all that bad. You get to meet knew people every day."

"Haha... I like you, Monty."

"I like you too, sir."

"I like you too, Monty."

That was a brief exerpt from Waiting, that seemed appropriate because I feel like I'm getting old and senile. I set today aside to get my emissions tested (it's the last day to do it before a fine), change my oil, renew my license, buy work pants, and... something else I can't think of at the moment (only adding credence to my point.) BUT! I forgot that my dad had to borrow my car today! So, um, yeah... I'm not doing anything off of that list today. On the upside, it looks like it's gonna be a pretty lazy day!

Surprises

2005-11-02T00:44:00.000-08:00

So, tonight I had an old friend randomly instant message me. And by "randomly," I don't mean "out of the blue," but rather "with a new SN." She proceeded to proceeded to play with my head (not that one) and coerced me into playing little games with her (Not those kinds of games; hell, if she was trying to get off on what we were doing, I have no doubt that I managed to ruin it for her). Just quiz games, dropping tidbits of information about me to illustrate that she had more than a superficial knowledge of me and reinforcing that I knew nothing about her (it wasn't even who I started to think it was). And to say that I feared for my life would be overly dramatic and untrue, but let's say that I own two real swords, and they were both here with me in the basement. Unsheathed. (Which it was silly to have both, because the one is so heavy that it can't be anything less than a two handed sword, so I really should've only had that or the lighter one. Maybe I figured just holding two swords would be menacing to a would-be intruder? I dunno, but they were both here, dammit!)

Anyway, it wound-up being an old coworker from my bank days. (Bully for her, because I was totally clueless to her identity...) Very cool girl; had a crush on her there for a while, but then we had the friend talk. And then we had it again. I'm pretty sure we had it a third time as well, if not a fourth. But it's something I can look back upon and laugh (at the time, I was like "Yeah. Friend. Got it. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?") I still tease her about it now, but in all fairness, she wasn't too far off-base. After the first friend talk, I had no intentions of acting on any emotions, but they don't just die right away. So the later friend talks were at least quasi-warrented by the fact that the emotions did exist. But such is the past; today she makes the total at least two women that I had liked and became friends with. (I should add that I still see her from time to time when I go to the bank; we just don't really 'hang' anymore. By 'old friend' I meant one I'd known for a while, not neccessarily one I hadn't seen for a while.)

I told her to pop by and check out my blog. The irony about that (which I didn't have the time to explain to her through instant messenger tonight, but which she'll figure out anyway if she does pop by to read this) is that this blog started to help me cope with my feelings for her. I'm fairly positive I've since deleted those original posts (I wanted her to be able to read this without ruining the friendship that had since settled), but yeah, it started as someplace to just get out my thoughts and emotions.

Which, coincidentally, brings me to a point I've been meaning to bring up. I joined Quest this week, as those of you who read this thing are aware. And I had a half-memory of the fact that the last time I had joined a gym (which was still Quest) roughly 3 years ago, it was with the thought that if I got more in shape, my then-crush April would see me as more than a friend. It seems odd to me that within a week's time I have been made to remember the early days of two of the most powerful instances of crush-turned-friend.

I feel like... I dunno... the stars are converging? Something like that. Like a strong turning point is about to approach my life, and I'm being given these moments to remember a past that might become moot in the future. ... Maybe something like that. I don't know, but I don't buy into coincidences... Add into the mix all the questions about my future and my current position in life that my most recent crush-turning-friend has inspired, and I'm fairly certain that major changes (and not necessarily ones I would plan) are about to occur. But then, maybe I'm just crazy. ... Crazy like a FOX!!! (Or a demon koala; whichever.) In any event, I continue to overshoot my goal bedtime of 12, so I'm going to vaminos and hope that I make it down by 1.

PS: B-day coming soon! Holla! (Actually, not really; I'm not too keen on celebrating it this year; seems kinda arbitrary and commercialized to me these days... but, nevertheless, Holla!)

Blogger

2005-11-01T12:14:00.000-08:00

Is anyone else out there having issues with blogger today?

Halloween in the restaurant biz Pt5

2005-10-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

To the left is Tim. Tim came as a cow, but we aren't allowed to wear masks at work, so he instead became some sort of human-cow hybrid that I think they're going to use on the next multi-flavored skittles commercial. And, to the right of course, is Cloud piercing a few of Chad's vital organs. He went to the hospital, but was proclaimed dead en route. Sorry Chad; you were the awesomest. More pictures of me as Cloud are at the bottom of this series of pics.

On a brief side note, can we get the occasional English speaking blog going on here? I was surfing blogs while doing all these pic uploads, and between spanish and japanese (or some other asian I can't read), I had to hit "next blog" a whole helluva lot of times. Blogger should do something to categorize by languages or something.

Halloween in the restaurant biz pt4

2005-10-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

This is Candi. I could date Candi. I think I could date Candi. I'd try if the opportunity made itself available, let's put it that way. (She's hot and awesome and we have a blast at work, but I wonder if she could handle me in large doses... (No pun intended).) The left picture was taken when she wasn't ready, because she WAS ready, but then someone told her to do something and she moved and the picture took. But I think it had potential to be great except that you can see the duct tape she used to whole up the fishnets.