Little of this, little of that

Firstly, I just want to say I saw the prettiest eye the other day. Don't ask why it was just one. It wasn't in a jar or anything wierd like that. It was just a picture, and it was pretty, and I wanted to say so. So there.

Secondly (this might be lastly too; we'll play that by ear.), I was talking about myself today (conceited, right? I was asked, so BACK OFF!), and it made me realize that I've changed a lot in the past year or so. Not so much who I am, but my plan for the future; how I see the world and my role in it has changed a lot. And I suppose a year is a long time for changes to take place, and these all have certainly been relatively evolving changes, but still... So, here's a list of how Chris 2005 is different from Chris 2004.

1) Cars. A year ago, my dream house included a two-car garage compete with a service lift so I could tinker and tune my cars till my fingers fell off. I figured that I'd have a sporty daily driver (maybe a 350Z? A new Corvette Z06? Something like that) and that I'd also have Seven that I could take out to the track or the backroads on suitably gorgeous days. Now? Now I'm trying to get rid of my relatively-sporty car in exchange for a simple, weak, cheap car that'll be reliable and practical. This isn't a change in who I am. I still love cars, and in an ideal world, I'd still have the two-car garage/lift/multiple sports cars/etc. However, the way I look at this dream has changed a great deal. Now, I think it's selfish, and I also think that it would entail a lot of unnecessary financial stress. I'd rather go simple and low-maintenance and not have to worry about making as much money.

2) Dream house. My notion of a dream house has changed a bit too. It used to be patterned after a hobbit-hole (only bigger). Not that I was locked in a fantasy world, but I liked the idea of the house being built into a hill, using geothermal energy for heat, being surrounded by green plains, having circular hallways and doors rather than the typical right-angle ones. It'd have it's own library, and a pool table, and a piano, and a bar, and things along those lines for entertaining guests. But that's changed again, for much of the same reasons as with the cars. Such a house would be so expensive that I'd stress myself out to afford it, not to mention the plot of land that I'd ideally be situated on would cost a fortune in land taxes. Now I just want a simple house, big enough to live in, maybe have a family in, but nothing extravagant. Just something within a half hour's drive to a state park or something similarly suitable to the nature lover in me.

3) Girls. I guess I have to say "women" by this age, huh? This was a 180 and a half. (So a 270?) But it happened over a little longer period of time too; somewhere around a year and a half. About that long ago, I was desperate for a girlfriend, and going about finding one in just about every wrong way possible (Shy of stalking anyway; that stopped after April. Hi Ape!) A little bit of time and a bit of mentoring from my ex-player bank manager, and I was in the much better mindset of liking my own life with the end result of being aloof around the ladies. Aloofness tends to drive them crazy, so he said. So I did that for a while. Then I decided I really didn’t want a girlfriend, but just to casually date and hang out. And I kinda/sorta did that for a bit, but I wound up with a girlfriend, despite my best efforts not to. That didn't last long. And now? Now I’m not even looking for anything from anyone, because I won’t date someone who won’t walk the path I want to walk, and I don’t want to date anyone who’s willing to walk the path I want to walk. I would need someone who would want to walk that path on their own, so that there’s no sacrificing involved in their being with me, or vice-versa. And to be honest with you, I’m not certain that I’ll ever meet someone like that. I’m staying open minded, but I’m not actively hunting for anything anymore. … I guess I’m just waiting to see what the future holds. I like surprises. They make life interesting.

4) My job. I was hellbent on being a teacher for pretty much as long as I can remember; originally it was for high school, later it was as a professor. Now? Now I think there’re ways I can teach and help others that are outside of a traditional academic system. I’m not sure what yet, but I’m keeping my options and my eyes open.

I suppose those four are the main ones; maybe the only ones. But that’s a lot. That’s four of the major things that people deal with in their lives. And the changes have been made mostly in the effort to remain truer to myself. Yeah, I enjoy cars and driving fast, but having a fancy exotic car is mostly for the admiration and praise and interest it would gain me. The change in my outlook on women is basically because I don’t want to sacrifice anything of who I am for anyone else, nor do I want anyone to do so for me. Love shouldn’t have to be a sacrifice. Relationships shouldn’t have to be made to work. But in so many instances, that’s the way things are. I don’t want that for myself. I don’t really want that for anyone, but I can’t control anyone else.

A-HA! I thought of the other thing I wanted to write about! Religion! I read a quote the other day (yesterday?) that said “Religion should be our steering wheel, not our spare tire.” Now, I understand the point this is trying to make. Religion shouldn’t be something that we forget about until we need it; it should be our directional motivator. But my problem (you knew there was going to be a problem, didn’t you?) is precisely that religion shouldn’t be our directional motivator. You can’t blindly go where religion will take you. You can’t let it steer your life, because then you’re only living off of what someone else tells you, and that’s not what religion should be. If anything, religion should be some sort of road map. Here’s you. Here’s where you want to go. Here’s where you could end up if you take these certain roads. But different maps are going to show different streets and avenues and alleys and whatnot, creating multiple different ways to get to the same place, and none of them are any better than the other.

I don’t really want to rant too much about religion because I have so frequently on here, but I can’t help it. People take it so dogmatically and faithlessly that they completely miss every intention behind it. I loved the movie Dogma (as I do most religious-based movies) because it promoted the concept that it wasn’t what you had faith in, so long as you had faith. That’s lost on so many people today (my parents included). It doesn’t matter that I have a better understanding of and relationship with God than, I’d wager, 95% of the people that go to my church. (I may be arrogant, but I’m basing that off of human ignorance in general.) The fact that I don’t go to church, to them, means that I’ve somehow fallen off the path. I don’t think they see me as “lost,” per se, but I’m definitely not as “found” as they’d like me to be either. (This is mostly my mom. If I had to place him, I’d say my dad’s about halfway between my mom and me. Still quasi-dogmatically catholic, but he at least understands where I’m coming from. If mom’s coke/catholic, and dad’s diet coke/catholic, then I’m like mountain dew or something. Mmmmm… mountain dew…)

On another subject, I’ve decided that mountain dew is like my beer. (Did I talk about this already?) I would much rather get a caffeine rush from dew than a blurry buzz from beer. Now, I like a pint o’ Guinness as much as the next person, but overall I think dew tastes 10x better. I’m like a kid. If one of my coworkers comes in and I’m kind of bouncing off the walls, he knows to ask “did you have mountain dew?” And I just kind of giggle, like stoners do when you ask if they’re high. Tee-hee! And there’s always someone in the crowd that warns me about the chemicals in it. What is it, yellow 5 or something? “It’ll kill your sperm count!” Ya know what? You have to drink, like, a literal truckload of that stuff before you’re in any real danger. (Not like I drink it too much anymore; soda doesn’t mesh well with my whole “being healthy” efforts.) And if I’m wrong about that, and I do suffer from the side-effects? Well, then that’s just the price I pay for dewy deliciousness. And on that note, I bid you all a-dew. (Wow… even I’m embarrassed by that pun. Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen, okay? Nobody tell mom…)