Threshold

"My heart quakes as it slides, spewing sparks, across the electified threshold of new love."

That quote meant everything to me; happiness, love, fun, tenderness, compassion; and I don't even know where it's from.

I could probably think of a hundred reasons, some better than others, why what happened is for the best. I can focus more on martial arts now. I can push back the move-out-of-the-house goal until I'm more financially comfortable with it. I don't have to worry about angry step-fathers, or hiding truths, or disapproving looks. ... But none of those reasons matter; none of them fill the empty void in my heart.

We had our differences, but I didn't care. For once, I was the one ignoring the incompatibilities, pretending they weren't there. For once, I was the one who threw reason aside and embraced the chaos of emotion. For once, I defied the fate that I think I knew would happen eventually. I miss her... I find myself putting up a front around most of my friends, who all think I should be happy now; they all think I was foolish to even put myself in that situation to begin with. And maybe I was... but that doesn't make it hurt less.

I've probably cried more in the past 50-some hours than I have in the past 5 years. I look back and wonder if there wasn't anything I could've said differently, or something I could've done differently, to salvage what I had. There isn't. I think even if this particular incompatibility weren't an issue, the heretofore unnoticed (or unrespected) stress of keeping things going would've eventually caught up to me. But, again, that doesn't make life any easier. I was happy being single; that means that, despite the stress, I was happier being with her. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have stayed. But despite the joy I had... it had to end.

In times of great stress in my life, I often turn to Star Wars, not for entertainment, but for inspiration; I see genuine truth in the lessons the series has to offer. And at this time, in particular, I pity Anakin. Sometimes, we don't want to make the right choices; sometimes they hurt too much. And if we aren't careful, we can grow to care for something so much that we're willing to destroy everything we know and love and believe in just to save it. In a sense, that takes as much bravery and commitment as it does to do the right thing no matter how much it pains us. Anakin had a strong will to be able to sacrifice everything in an effort to save the woman he loved. And so, from the eyes of Obi-Wan or Yoda, I probably did the right thing by standing by my principles; I was probably strong in letting go of what I feared losing. ... But from Anakin's point of view? ..I simply wasn't strong enough... And for that, Switch, I'm so very, eternally, sorry...

"My heart aches as it divides, shedding tears, within the barren wasteland that is lost love."