Thursday, August 03, 2006

Reminisce

I've been reading old posts a lot lately; I don't know why. But I feel like my posts of recent have taken a decidedly less philosophical turn; maybe just less introspective? I dunno. Some of my older ones took very hard looks at who I am and what I wanted to change about myself, and I feel like a lot of my newer ones are just me whining about shit. (Ironically enough, whining was always something I wanted to change about myself.)

I've been through a lot in the past year. I've done my fair share of hurting, and I've gotten my fair share of being hurt. I'm in slightly better shape now, weigh less than I have in a long time, have a more positive outlook on the possibility of love being successful... but at the same time, not much has changed. I'm still arrogant. I'm still full of self-doubt. I still make excuses to not do things that I'm afraid to do. I'm almost embarassed by it, now that I think about it. I'm almost 27, and in many ways I'm still very much like a child. (Now, some of those ways are good things, I think, but some aren't.)

I feel like I need a DRASTIC change of scenery in my life, but I'm afraid to make that change. Part of me wants to pull up stakes and move to Texas and stay with a friend of mine there until I get situated. (It's not like waiting tables is a job exclusive to maryland, you know?) And the biggest reason to not do that is because I very much like the school where I currently study martial arts, and I very much want to make teaching it my career, and so it seems counter-productive to move away and try to find a new school. But it's also partially fear. It's being afraid of what I don't know.

I've always said that one of my favorite LOTR parts is at the end of the last movie, when Sam is back in the tavern in the shire and he just walks up and kisses(?) Rosie, the gal he's pined for since the beginning. And that resonates so well with me because I imagine that's exactly how anyone would be. After undertaking a long (multi-month?) journey full of life-threatening adventures, going after a cute girl (or some other comparitively minor hurdle) would be nothing. I think I've said this here before, but that's what I want for myself. I want to go see the world, to travel, even if it's by myself, and just experience life, so that I have nothing to be afraid of anymore. Hike the Appalacian Trail or something like that. Something to make me grow up. To continue with the LOTR reference by quoting Bilbo: "I need a holiday, a very long holiday. And I don't suspect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to."

PS: I love Dear Abby. If she wasn't so old, I'd stick it in her.

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