Lost...

I feel lost at life right now. I mean, I know what I want to do with my life, but I can't seem to stay focused on making it happen. I console myself with the thought that if my life were entirely goal-driven, I'd miss out on a lot. And I suppose that's true, but I feel like it's just an excuse I'm making for myself. Maybe not... I want to be a martial arts instructor someday, and I feel like I'm not attending classes as often as I should to justify having that as a legitimate goal. But on the same note, I feel like martial arts, perhaps moreso than anything else, should not be rushed; there should not be a "finish line" that I'm in a hurry to get to. And yet I am. I'm tired of waiting tables. I'm tired of not having a "career." But the one that I know I want is still many years away. ... I suppose that's true regardless of how often I attend classes. Just because I might learn the motions faster doesn't mean I'd be any better at applying them. I think that's something that only comes with time. And practice. I dunno.

I feel lost with my friends too. I find myself wondering how well I really know anybody that I call friend. And it makes me sad, because the reason I'm not afraid to be single is because I felt that my friends would always be there for me, and so I'd never be "alone." But after this week... even friendship seems so fragile...

In a previous post ("God Friend"), I claimed that true friendship is the divine manifested in our lives. But if that's the case, it shouldn't be able to be cast aside so easily... ...

"I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. ...In fact, I mean not to..."