I KNEW I wanted to be single for a reason...

What do you call it when you have a fight with your girlfriend that isn't really a fight? I mean, there were no harsh words exchanged, no real tempers flaired; and yet, at the same time, I had to wake her up at 1:30 in the morning to tell her I had to leave her place to get some air and I understood that it meant I wouldn't be able to go back there tonight. See, the first, let's say three months, that her and I were dating (a little over one of which was as an official couple), things were great; her and I were really into each other. We got along famously. Life was good, right? But this past week, after we'd spent an entire weekend away together (a weekend, for the record, that I thought was great), she was suddenly very cold towards me. Upon my inquiring (twice; once on wednesday and once yesterday), the explanation I got was that sometimes she just runs hot and cold, and that she hadn't been spending as much time thinking about "us" as she should be (her words and thoughts; not mine.) Then, tonight, I get to hang out with her and things seem like they're okay, but a few drinks into the evening reveals that she's capable of coming across like she is more into things than she should, and she's basically been wondering whether or not she wants to be in a relationship.

Now, this is all well and good from my point of view, because after the last cold week, I'd been wondering the same thing. I think the problem can be traced back to the fact that, if you all recall, I didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place. However, I also am not very good at the casual dating scene. I struggle with the notion of going out with more than one woman at a time, feeling like I'm somehow cheating on them even if no express committment is present. With that outlook in mind, I figured that, since I liked dating her, I might as well make it something official until I didn't, because I wouldn't be dating anyone else in the meantime anyway. I think both her and I, though we like each other, don't want anything of the level we had reached; I think she feels (and I KNOW I do) that we need to step back into casually dating. I don't think she particularly has anyone else she wants to date, and I really don't either, but at the same time having a girlfriend is causing stress in my life that I don't particularly feel like dealing with right now. My only real concern is that she DOESN'T feel this way, and that there will be no stepping back, no "hanging out from time-to-time," and only a complete break-up. I hope that is not the case, but things cannot continue as they are.

Ironically enough, all this was brought to a head by a conversation not about us, but about religious ideals. To make a long story short, she felt as though adults should have more faith, and more reason to have faith, than children do, and that it wasn't our place to ask what is real or right or wrong, etc. To paraphrase her, it doesn't matter what anyone else believes is right or wrong, as long as you know what is between you and God.

This didn't sit well with me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, the idea of an individual morality is dangerous to be slinging around without any concept of the consequences. By that rational, Hitler is every ounce as good a person as you or I because he felt he was doing what was right. It is also an odd notion to be spoken by someone who stands behind the religious cliche that "good intentions pave the road to hell," given that all good intentions are really just an individual's notion of what is right. But what bothered me more than even that seeming paradox was the assertion that blind faith is what matters. I took it personally, perhaps more than I should have. But it felt to be as an attack on my ideals. My entire life, I have questioned "why?". Seeking the reason behind things, asking the deeper questions, wondering the bigger mysteries; these things have been my most enjoyable efforts in life. I aim to make a CAREER not only of asking "why," but of teaching others to do the same. I don't see that curiousity as a character flaw; I see it as a positive attribute, one of a rare few that I would openly claim to have. And as far as I'm concerned, if that facet of my personality is unforgiveable, if my questioning leads me to hell, then so be it. At least I will have lived true to myself and not at the beck and call of some dogmatic beliefs handed down a religious heirarchy. But I don't understand how I could be punished for such things, when I am only living as I feel I was made to live; if God created me to question, if he placed the burning desire to know things so deeply within my soul, how could he then punish me for acting upon it?

In any event, back to the question at hand, by the time you read this (presuming it's not before tomorrow night), I'll probably be single again. No guarantees, but probably. IDEALLY, she and I will still date casually; hang out once every week or two; maybe talk a bit in between. Hopefully it WON'T be the sort of thing where I never get to see her again. I do like her; I just don't want to depend on someone right now, and to be honest, I don't want another person to depend on me. I have enough people that I hold myself accountable for right now: my friends and family. I don't want someone else added to that list just this moment. In any event, it's quite late now, and I have to work in the morning (at NOON! HA! Suckers!). I hope all of you have a great day, and remember: If life gives you lemons, then pick one that's kind of rotten and try to bean a cranky person in the back of the head with it. CIAO!