Jealousy

I think I've finally figured out the answer to... okay, not so much an "answer to," but the reason behind my jealous nature. It's kinda puzzled me for a while, because I get jealous (and I'm talking women here) when I have absolutely no need, justification, or right to be so. (I should quantify that statement; by "jealous," I don't mean "punching walls in anger and hating the world." I mean "a little disheartened because someone else is getting attention that I'd rather me be getting.") Case in point: there's a girl at work with whom I share a flirty friendship. This consists of talking and laughing, as most friendships do, but also not-infrequent (mutually exchanged) ass-smacks, back scratches, and huggy things. Now I want to make myself clear here, in that I have no desire to date this girl, for multiple reasons (not including the generic "I'll probably wind up on my own" way of thinking). 1) she has a boyfriend. In my younger, less mature, more inconsiderate past, that would've been of no concern. But I've wisened, I like to think, as I've grown older, and I have no real interest in breaking up a relationship for my own personal benefit. (Trying to break up a couple for what I perceive to be the benefit of those involved, however, is unfortunately still in my repetoir.) 2) She's too young for me. By FAR. Better suited for my brother (who just started college today) than myself (who's been out of college for the better part of three years now). 3) I don't think we'd work. We have fun, sure, and I have no doubt that physical stuff would be great. But there's more to a relationship than fun and attraction. I'm not sure there's enough commonality between us for an actual relationship. Not at this point, anyway. In my experience, people change a lot between the ages of 15ish and 23ish. It's why I put no stock in highschool relationships. And I have best friends that I wouldn't want to date even if they were women (and some of them are). However, despite those three points, I do enjoy our little flirty-thing; it's fun. And I get jealous when she's flirty with someone else! And just yesterday I think I managed to figure out why.

When she's flirting with me (harmlessly, with no intentions or plots behind it) and/or me with her, it makes me feel special. Maybe, in that sense, it helps to achieve something that is normally only done through a relationship. In relationships, the two people involved typically give each other more (in any sense of the word) than they do anyone else. Their significant other is elevated to a point above all other people in the world, and their significant other does the same for them. So my thinking is that when she flirts with me, I wind up with a little bit of that feeling special; so when I see her flirting with someone else, it makes me feel just a little less special, you know? I'm kinda glad that I've come to see this now, though; diagnosing a problem, to me, always is harder than actually fixing it once you've found it. Now that I can see why I struggle with this, I can more readily change how I see things to eliminate the problem.

On a similar, yet side, note, I've been wondering exactly what it is in us that makes us more attracted to someone we're dating than we might otherwise be. What I mean is that we all undoubtedly find the objects of our desire to be attractive; they wouldn't be objects of desire if they weren't in some way. But, after a break-up, or falling out, or being shot down, or what-have-you, we see that person with (for lack of a better description) clearer eyes. The model we were dating somehow becomes just an ordinary person. (The supermodel just a model; the ordinary person a skank ho; again, what-have-you. Same thing goes for you women too, I'm sure. In a relationship I'm "so thoughtful"; afterwards I'm sure it's like "god, what a nerd...") If I could somehow figure out what accounts for that difference, and make it a conscious reaction, I'd be set. (Hell, if I could somehow bottle and sell that knowledge, I'd be really set.) I mean, think about it. If you could go through life and not give anyone a second look unless you actually wanted to, life would be a bit simpler. You could focus on doing what you wanted, what you liked, where you wanted to be, etc. And if in the process of that, you find someone who really meshes well with you, someone who seems to share your every thought and ideal and dream, then you could turn on the "love goggles" (still lacking that better description) and that person would become as attractive physically as they were emotionally or intellectually. That's the way to go. Me? I think I'll be lucky if I can find the above-mentioned-person that seems to share my thoughts, ideals, and dreams. If I think they're attractive too, it'll be because I'm dead, and in heaven. There'd be no other explanation.