Catastrophes and Horrors!

I want you all to brace yourselves for this. I, um… I was taken totally off guard by it. I suppose the signs were there, but in my ignorance, I completely ignored them. Maybe if I’d’ve been more attentive, I could’ve prevented this from happening. Maybe I could’ve just been better prepared for it. I don’t know… time holds too many possibilities. But… well, this morning I woke up and I started with breakfast, and I always grab the comics to read while I eat breakfast. Our newspaper, The Sun, apparently has changed its format. And… I can barely see the screen through the tears as I type this… -sniff- my comics page was rearranged! Garfield wasn’t where I left him! Pearls Before Swine wasn’t where I left it! And Zippy? Well, I confess to not being smart enough to ever really know where Zippy was in the first place. I… I’m still looking for casualties. Everyone seems to still be there, just… just misplaced. But with so many loveable characters, I’m worried that I’m forgetting someone, and that thought itself just devastates me.

Furthermore, The Sun continues to run Ask Amy! Some time ago, they got rid of Dear Abby for Ask Amy! I don’t know what schmuck made that decision, but if they haven’t been fired and stabbed in the eye with a steak knife, then they should be. Abby runs circles around Amy. Amy sucks! Someone’ll write in “Oh Amy, my step-father molests me. What should I do?” And Amy’ll be all like “Well, you have to accept that your step-father has a role in your life now. It’s the person your mom chose to be with, and she’s not going to leave him just because you think he’s less than perfect. Your best bet would be to just put up with it. You don’t mention if you have any other siblings. If you did, perhaps you could try to push him off onto them every once in a while.” Good God! Abby, on the other hand, would be beating down that person’s door with a shotgun and the 4th Reich! “You like being sick and twisted huh you pedophilic freak? How’s this for sick and twisted? Ch-Chk. BOOM! Now if you touch her again, and I’ll blow off your other head, got it?” … Okay, so maybe those are exaggerations. But Abby always seemed not only wiser and more helpful to me than Amy is, but Abby also seems to legitimately care about the people who write to her. She sends ‘em free books and shit. Amy seems to just be thinking about her payday in another four days. I’m just sayin’.