Here we go again...

Okay. Earlier blog posting Take: 2. A very, unsettled, disgruntled 2, but 2 nonetheless. As I was saying (those of you who can read my thoughts from across the country know this), a conversation with a fellow blogger brought to mind what I might honestly call my only fear: that involving the destination of souls. A little background, perhaps, is in order.

I was raised relatively devout catholic. Catholic schools; church every Sunday + Holy days; etc. And I never questioned any of it until I was late-18, and met up with a girlfriend who would, more or less, change the course of my life. The year with her was probably the worst one of my life. I won’t get into it; it’s blood under the bridge, gore under the dam. But I’m ultimately thankful for that year, because it was in that year that I stopped going to church, and I have no doubt that without that lull, without that cessation of the heretofore nonstop influx of catholic doctrine, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Without having that time to develop a more open mind, I probably wouldn’t have studied what I did in college, and I almost certainly wouldn’t have incorporated some of the religions I studied into my personal beliefs. It is primarily the thought that that horrid relationship ultimately helped me for the better that reinforces my belief that things happen as they need to, as long as we let them. (Taoist influence, that is.)

-sigh-… I can’t remember how I led into this in my original post, but basically I take issue with Christian notions of exclusivity, and the thought that all non-christians are going to hell. I personally don’t believe that, but my reasons are less taken from scripture but derived using a combination of logic and a feeling in my soul.

As far as the feeling is concerned, I just can’t buy into a loving God that would turn away from the majority of his children, and I can’t fathom the notion of an unloving god making fuckers like us in the first place, and not having already smite us in the second place. But my thinking along those lines stems from a comparison between us and God, which I’m sure some people would take issue with, but the fact of the matter is that if we’re made in god’s image, odds are that it isn’t simply an appearance thing, but likely a capability or emotional or mental similarity too. Christians (and Christians from here-out is intended to refer to those hard-nosed, in-your-face variety) believe that Christ was our last chance. That god gave the jews chance after chance and they blew them all, and finally he sent jesus as our final saving grace. And that’s where I take the most issue, from a feeling standpoint. See, if I have a loved one that I know is in some sort of danger, there won’t be a last chance for me to tell them that. Even if I go to them personally, after emailing them or calling them, and they still don’t listen, then I’ll send someone else they trust, or an official figure, or something. You don’t give up trying to save the people you love; don’t give up on ways to save them.

Using a blend of logic and feeling, I'm not sure that many christians would be saved if god were indeed as punishing as they make him out to believe. It is the genuine belief in jesus as our savior and the forgiver of our sins that saves us, right? How genuine is that belief though if we continue to sin? Worse, that we knowingly, and willingly continue to sin? I have yet to meet the sidewalk preacher yet who claims to not sin anymore. And I'm sure if I pushed the issue, they'd admit that there was something they did since becoming a christian that they knew they shouldn't do but did so anyway. If that's the case, how are they any different than us? Because they ask forgiveness? If I go to trial for a murder, and I say "Your honor, I'm truly very sorry for killing that person, really I am. But when I get out of here, I'm gonna go kill someone else. I'll be sorry for that too, though." What kind of judge would let me off the hook? (Yes, that is an extreme example, but keep in mind that all sins are on the same level in god’s eyes.) Christians knowingly sin, and they ask forgiveness knowing (at least in their subconsious) that they're going to sin again. If God is as Just and Judging as he is loving (as they assert), then they don't have a chance.

And just logic in and of itself? Let’s put it this way: Any sin, no matter how small, is enough to keep us from God and condemn us for eternity. And throughout the course of our lives, we sin all the friggin time, from the stuff we eat, to the things we do, and even the thoughts we have. Sin, sin, sin, sin, SIN! We sin, I think, a relatively infinite number of times in our lives. (Yes, I’m sure it could be counted, but work with me here; the number is quite a bit.) And that’s just one person. Since the beginning of time, there’ve been quite a few people; probably damn near an infinite number of them too. So over the course of existence, humanity has racked up an infinity squared number of eternal punishments. Quite the record. But wait! Here comes Jesus, who serves as the sacrifice for our sins! He takes the punishment for us so that we may be spared! And he endures… three hours of suffering and three days in the tomb? Isn’t that getting off kinda light? (lol; I half expect to be struck by a bolt of lightning as I write this.) I don’t mean to belittle what he went through, because it couldn’t have been easy; I saw “The Passion” and it made my stomach turn. But come on; in comparison to an infinite times infinite number of eternal sufferings? It just doesn’t add up to me. Now, other that perhaps “Logic doesn’t apply to God,” I think the most common response to that line of thought is that with God, all things are possible. If that’s the case, then I certainly believe he would find a way to reach people outside of Christianity. I saw a bumper sticker I loved that said “God is too big to fit into one religion.”

And here’s the thing: all the major religions of the world teach pretty much the same main principles. (In no particular order) 1) Material things don’t matter. 2) Take care of the earth. 3) Trust in a higher power. 4) Love others. 5) Don’t think of yourself as important. And that really about sums it up. However, I think the different religions do varying jobs of conveying those points. I picked up 3 & 4 from Catholicism without too much trouble. But 1 & 5 are kinda glanced-over, and 2 you really have to hunt for to find. But Taoism taught me 2 & 5 (and reinforced 1 &3), and Buddhism taught me 1 (and strongly implies 4 & 5). I think I’m a far better “Christian” now that I’m not as exclusively Christian as I used to be. I think I’m much more the better person, and by far doing more of God’s will than I was prior. So I see no reason to exclude other faiths, or even to doubt that they are sufficient in and of themselves; I’ve often encouraged others to consider other ways besides Christianity, and I’ve argued with more than one sidewalk preacher about (what I perceived as) the error of their ways.

But a fear lingers… what if I’m wrong? … What if Christianity is the only way? If that’s the case… I’ve not only wandered astray… I’ve brought others with me. I’ve placed not only my own soul in jeopardy, but also those who have trusted in me. And to be honest, I sometimes pray that if I am wrong, that I be forgiven my ignorance, or that at least those who have listened to me be forgiven. I don’t want anyone else to be damned for the things I do; that’s not fair to them. I distinctly remember a conversation with a hard-noser, and I told him that if I was wrong, “I was willing to go to hell.” “No one wants to go to hell,” was his response. “I didn’t say I wanted to. I said that I would accept it as punishment for my sins without complaint.” It was the only time I can remember a christian not having an answer.

But I honestly don’t think that the above case is true; I really can’t. I have my doubts sometimes, but they’re infrequent, and typically motivated by fear (as most doubts are). Perhaps the biggest reason for my confidence in this matter is that in questing for god, I’m staying true to myself. I totally dislike the whole “WWJD” concept, because if we all did what Jesus did, then we’d all be walking around preaching to other people who all believed the same thing, but we wouldn’t have to for very long ‘cause there’d be no farmers to provide us with food or seamstresses to provide us with clothes or construction workers to provide us with homes and we’d all die. I think I’ve mentioned this here before, but I think a much better question is “What would Jesus want me to do?” This question still conveys the right/wrong option of the existent one, but allows for individuality. And I think individuality is key in god’s plan, because he very easily could’ve made us all the same if that’s what he wanted.

I had a nice, concise, perfect way to wrap this up last time. But goddamn blogger had to go and fuck everything up, so now I struggle for an ending. Hmm… How about a fittingly sacrilegious quote from “The Crow?” Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He puts three nails down on the counter and asks “Can you put me up for the night?” (Still waiting for that lightning bolt…)