Revelations

You know what I've discovered? In an average day, I have a great idea about what to write about on here at LEAST once, sometimes more than once (i.e. more than one topic). But, come the end of the night, my mind's a total blank. I have no FRIGGIN clue what I wanted to write about tonight! And it was meaningful and purposeful too! I'm pretty sure it was... I remember being excited about posting it. And now? *Poof!* Thoughtsies go bye-byes. It's kinda frustrating.

I do know that at some point I would like to start a running list of my flaws up here; kind of to get them out in the open, and to make myself face them. ... Trouble is, I'm not sure if blogger can handle such a big post. Seriously though, that's something I've been wanting to do for a while, and it never quite feels like the right time to do it. I think it's a little bit of fear involved. I mean, my thinking is that if I can list out things that I'd like to fix about myself, and acknowledge them, then I can start trying to correct them. But I'm not sure that I want to see that list... I think there's a lot of bad thoughts and memories that my mind has surpressed so I can go about my day-to-day routine. I'm not saying that I've killed hobos with a hammer (not that you don't not know about...). My life has been relatively clean-cut, I know, but there are still things that I've done that I'm not proud of... people I've hurt, for the most part.

The comic books I used to read occasionally used an essay in an issue, and sometimes it was notations alongside dialogue, and sometimes it was on its own. Wolverine is an issue I particularly remember, where the only words were from an entry in Electra's journal from being a kid, but they were spaced throughout the pages so that they made total sense with a completely different tale being told by the pictures. (That was actually one of my favorite issues, and one of my favorite quotes came from it. The gardener of her household yells at her for carelessly hoeing a plant by accident, talking about how she must respect life. Being a clever child (her words, not mine) she fires back "The weeds! We kill the weeds, don't we?" And the gardener thinks for a moment before answering "Yes, we kill the weeds. But we are careful not to take pleasure in doing it." That always stuck with me. But I digress.) Anyway, one of these issues done like this (but one for which the specifics elude me) dealt with anger. What causes it... where does it come from... how powerful it is... and perhaps worst, how scary it is that it can silently creep up on you without you even knowing it.

That was a long paragraph to get to this point, but I think past episodes of anger are the memories I run from the most... things I've said, or done, in a rage. Be it because my feelings are hurt, or my pride. Maybe I wasn't sure how else to handle things? But when anger takes over... that's the times I most regret. That's when I try to hurt someone else. Not physically; I don't think I've ever punched anyone in my life... except maybe my brother, but he doesn't count; he deserves it anyway. But I try to hurt their feelings; make them feel small; make sure they know that I'm better than they are. ... But I'm not... I'm no different from them. I'm envious of holy men... sages, if you will. They're able to enjoy life, and to experience positive emotions, without letting negative emotions get the better of them. When sad things happen, sure they're affected, but they don't dwell on it. They put themselves behind others; not competing, not trying to better them... just accepting the people around them for who they are. More than anything, that's what I want out of life... not a woman... not a great job... not a fancy car... I want peace. I want to find that inner peace, and be able to stay there even through turbulent times. But... I look at myself and my current job... and how am I ever going to be able to accomplish that when I can't even go through a day at work that way? Not a day goes by that I'm not trying to make some snotty customer realize that they aren't better than me. I have to make sure they know that they asked me for more pepsi right after I said I'd be back with some. Why can't I just respond "sure"? Why do I have to belittle them; to try to make them feel dumb?

It's a sad sort of irony that I was shying away from writing about my faults only to wind up doing it anyway. I guess that's been knawing away at me lately. I don't know... I'm not even sure where to write from here. I totally killed an otherwise decent mood. ... I think, a lot of times, when someone helps others, they do it either a) for the recognition (in the case of shallow people) or b) for the good feeling they get. Now, this isn't always the case, and it's the other case that I strive for: doing it just because it needs to be done. Not for any benefit to me. I want to help people, for no other reason then there's so many people in this world that need help. And I can't save them all, and I don't really want to aim that high. But I want to do something. I'm not ready yet though; what, am I gonna snap at someone I'm trying to help because they want me to do something different? At this point, I would. I'd get all pissed-off, thinking that I'm trying to help this person out, and this ungrateful SOB is lecturing me on how I'm going to help? I'm trying to reach a point, I need to reach a point, where I don't care about that. Where I don't care about being right, or proving someone else wrong. Where I just bring the goddamn pepsi without an arrogant attitude on the side. Why is that so hard to do?