Things to change

Arrogance: This is something my ex noticed about me. My friends kind of mock the assertion, but she was right. I am arrogant. Not all the time, but often enough. Arrogant enough to try to impose my advice on my friends' wills. This is with the noble-enough effort of wanting the best for them, but in so doing I was ignoring their need to be their own person; namely, a person that wasn't me. I remember being fairly popular in grades 1-5. When I moved, and started a new school in grade 6, I also distinctly remember becoming the opposite of popular. That more or less lasted through highschool. In college, I came to a sort of self-understanding, and as I studied philosophy, instead of gaining the overall self-confidence that I should like, I instead wound up with an odd blend of arrogance and self-doubt. The self-doubt, I have no question, comes from my years being mocked as a nerd. (Kinda funny that now I embrace myself as a nerd, and I have people tell me I'm not. My response is that I'm good with numbers, I like anime and video games, and if I had decent people to roleplay with, I'd still be doing that. Trust me; I'm a nerd. But I don't see it as a bad thing anymore.) The arrogance, again, no question, comes from being a philosopher. I think philosophers in general tend to be an arrogant bunch. Whether this comes from its nature (of questioning everything that other people take for granted) or from nurturing (teachers basically imparting on us that we're the academic versions of demigods) I can't say. But I do think the trend is there. Now, as Hegel would put it, I'm trying to take the thesis (arrogance) and the antithesis (self-doubt) and find the union of the two in a synthesis (confidence). We'll see if that works.

Self-importance: Not sure if that's the best term or not; maybe self-grandeurization? Nah, I think I just made that up. Anyway, I've read that pretty much everyone, when they're younger, has the feeling that they're destined for something great; something special. For me, that feeling never really left. I still feel like I am supposed to do something momentous with my life; something that will change the world. What, I'm not exactly sure. I've always suspected it has something to do with my inexplicable draw to go to Ireland (a draw that, frighteningly, has lessened of late; almost as if I'm losing my window for this purpose). But beyond that, I don't know. I've always wanted to be a teacher; first for highschool, then, as I refined my interests, as a college professor. But lately I'm not sure if that's the right course either. Becoming a professor would, I think most likely, entail a good deal of immersion into the world of materialism and prestige that I'm trying to avoid. The last thing I want is for my head to become even more bloated because I get a doctorate and I get esteem along with it. Truly, a further education in philosophy would only teach me what past philosophers have thought; it can no longer teach me how to think, how to philosophize, for myself, because I have already learned that. I've been taught the skills of questioning and looking deeper, and been shown examples of others doing the same. To pursue this further would not be for my own benefit, but simply so I could become an esteemed professor. It would make a me a student of philosophy, rather than a philosopher. But with a doctoral degree having been my long term goal for the past few years, I feel lost now that I might want to dismiss it. I can teach others with what I know already; they don't need to learn about the things Heideggar questioned, or the systems of thought that Descartes and Kant developed. They need only learn to question, to look past what they're told to the other side of the coin, to be themselves and to make decisions based only on that. I, truthfully, would love to just wander the globe. Travel simply (on foot, if necessary) from place to place, helping those in need wherever I find them. But I'm not sure how to go about doing that. Join the Red Cross? Or some other volunteer organization? I don't know if that would allow the freedom, the guided-by-my-gut feeling that I'm looking for. I could do it on my own, but how would I fund myself? I could handle sleeping outside (just head south for colder months), but food is important, and I'd like to be able to bathe on occasion, you know? I listed this self-importance as a flaw because I thought it tied into the arrogance somehow, but after elaborating a bit, I don't think it does. If anything, I think it's a positive attribute, because it may be all that keeps me from getting lost in the day-to-day doldrums in which many people find themselves.

Argumentative: I can't let other people be right. (Unless they're agreeing with me, of course.) This is more evident in person than in what I read. This one, I think, comes from Socrates' assertion that humans can't have real wisdom; but only a sort of negative wisdom where we acknowledge that we don't really know anything. Unfortunately, as in Socrates' era, there aren't many people who think that way; most people I've encountered think they know everything. (Myself included, sometimes.) And it's something that we do as a species to talk about things on which we truly have no knowledge. It's easy enough to sit back and say that such-and-such sports team should've done this, or that so-and-so politician should've acted thusly. But we don't know the whole situation. And we never will, until we're in that position. But we talk about such things as though we know full-well what the situation is. (At least when I give advice, it's on a person-to-person level, based on knowledge of that person, and it typically is only of the sort that if a certain thing causes unhappiness, than they shouldn't do it. Beyond that, I don't profess to know much.) Let's take Mrs. Katrina for example. I'll agree that our government was, shall we say, "sluggish" in its response to that disaster. I struggle to think that we couldn't have done something quicker than we did. But what? I don't know. I don't pretend to know either. But I read all these editorials with people spouting out what the government should or shouldn't have done, and I can't help but think that if they have all the answers, why aren't they president? Better yet, why don't they take a week or two off of work and go down there to try to help? Oh, but no. Then, they talk about the bills they have to pay, the responsibilities they have and whatnot. And they're right; they do have their own lives to worry about. But it seems hypocritical to me to point the finger elsewhere and say "you should have done more and you should have done it faster" when they themselves haven't lifted said finger to help. What about our multi-million dollar athletes? Why isn't anyone holding them accountable? Surely with their private jets and their super-fast sports cars, they could've helped evacuate people too, right? But again, no. They aren't responsible for that. Our government is. It's our government's job to take care of its citizens. Wrong. It's all of our jobs to take care of each other. Instead of writing letters complaining, those people should spend that time doing something themselves about it. Me? I, like the others, can't just take time off of work to go help right now. I too have responsibilities. However, I'm not trying to blame others for not acting either. I'm sending clothes, and I will be sending money. Christ, with all the people in this country, if everyone sent one t-shirt and one pair of pants to the people affected by this storm, they'd have more clothes than they ever did before Katrina. But I can guarantee you that they'll still be poor, because not everyone will. "It's your job to fix this; not mine." ... You know, I'm not entirely sure how I got onto this subject. I suppose it's because the hypocracy of people (again, myself included) is what makes me argue. I want them to have accountability for the things that happen in their lives. Maybe I don't know, maybe I'm not right, but I try to make sure that others know that they aren't right either. That they really don't know. But if arrogance should be confidence, and self-importance (or whatever) should simply be staying true to my role in this world, than being argumentative should be nothing more than leading by example.

Councilor: Ah, yes... this has been the topic of many-a-post here. I spout advice like a sprinkler stuck in the on position. If you're within the blast radius, you're gonna get hit. This is linked to the arrogance thing in a few ways, I think. Firstly, in many cases, I truly think I know what's best for people. So I make sure to tell them. Over, and over, and over again. But also, it's an example of a good trait taken too far. Moderation being the key to all things (not cowardice, not agressiveness, but bravery), my advice-giving tendancy is an example of overshooting the mark. With the arrogance, it came from passing over confidence. In this case, it comes from wanting to help people, to help them better enjoy their lives. But it has fused with the desire to be right to the point where I end up dictating how so-and-so should live their lives, even when there's been no advice solicited. One of the ways that I'm trying to remedy this is by respecting others' individuality. When I'm asked for advice, I'm trying to turn their question inward; help them to find the answer within themselves. Further, if my eagerness to give advice truly comes from caring too much, I'm also trying not to distinguish in who I care about. I want to reach a point where I care about everyone, people I like and people I don't particularly care for, as a parent would their child. Protect them, but allow them to take their own risks. Tell them of my mistakes, but respect their need to make their own. And perhaps most importantly, to not judge them for the choices they make. ... I think this last one will be quite difficult, and many, many years in the works. But I have to be able to do that one day.

I think my postings are getting longer and longer. It probably takes most of you an entire lunch break just to read them by this point. And honestly, this one's gonna have to continue for at least one more later posting. My list of flaws was originally just going to be a list, but I felt like I needed to explain why I think I have those particular flaws and what I'm trying to do about them. Hmmm... first flaw for the next time? I talk too damn much.