My meditations

As promised, here is what I uncovered about myself, page-by-page, during my two weeks of turning inwards at the beginning of November. Be forewarned, this is a long one.


Who Am I?
-A martial artist and philosopher
-A dreamer
-Impressionable
-Arrogant
-Mildly wise
-Mildly foolish
-Idealist
-Mostly strong
-Dependant on others
-Struggle to bring about change
-Overly-cautious
-Devout
-Faithful
-Fiercely loyal
-Equally vengeful
-A nerd
-Anxious to be independant
-Grateful for what I have
-Afraid to fail, to not live up to my potential
-Unsure of my potential
-Unsure of how to reach, or even to pace, my goals
-Feel like I'm meant for something "more"


What do I want to change?
-More confidence
-Less arrogance
-More living in the moment without analyzing
-More motivation
-Less debt
-Less time wasted playing video games
-More will-power
-More independence
-More inner-peace
-Better job
-Better-spent time


How can I change?
-Start by getting more will-power. Decide I want to do something, then do it. Don't be lazy, don't procrastinate, don't make excuses. I'm always telling others that they're stronger than they think; I need to believe that about myself.
-Less arrogance- Stop giving advice, even if requested. See my own faults. Look on others with caring, unconditional eyes.
-More confidence- Continue training, and staying true to myself
-More living in the moment- Stop over-analyzing and do what feels right. My inner nature will be correct more often than my intellect, or even my heart.
-More motivation- Like willpower, decide what I want to do, then do it.
-Less debt/better job- Hunt for jobs, and save my money. Pay a $200 "savings" bill each month.
-Less VG time- set a daily limit for video games, and make sure I don't go over it.
-More independence- will come naturally with a better job and less debt.
-More inner peace- meditate daily, see others with compassion, acknowledge pain as temporary.
-Better-spent time- will come with more willpower.
Overall: Do what I set my mind to. Stop giving advice to others; see my own flaws and advise myself. Stay true to myself and trust my inner nature. Train harder. See others with compassion. Hunt for a new job and pay $200/mo into a savings account. Set VG time limit. Meditate daily and see/understand irritation/pain are temporary.


What are my goals?
-To become a skilled martial artist
-To own a successful marital arts school
-To compete and do well in full-contact fighting
-To own a Caterham Super 7
-To own my own house
-To go to Ireland
-To go to China
-To learn to play the fiddle and/or piano
-To become fluent in french
-To learn chinese
-To volunteer more often
-To write my philosophy book


What demons must I slay?
-My feelings for my ex
What are they? I range from fine to distraught. I feel as though both are for show; I'm fine when I want to seem strong, and distraught when I want to seem romantic. So what are my real feelings for her?
I miss her; we had fun together. I don't think I want to be just friends; the thought of her and her new boyfriend hurts. Or is that just jealousy?
I know we can't work as a couple. We have vastly different views on religion and drugs, and her parents think I'm an ass. So why can't I let go?
What do I miss, then? She made me laugh. We shared a love of nature. I liked her playful and carefree attitude. ...I liked making her eyes glow. And those were all great things, but are they enough to make me hold on like I am?
Or is it that I'm afraid to be wrong? Am I just afraid to admit that I dated someone who was too young for me? I convinced myself that we would work so the age wasn't important; did I just lie to myself? Am I so distraught sometimes just to convince myself that I wasn't bad? I'm not unhappy now. I live my life much as I did while I was with her; there's less stress now though.
It's thinking that there could've been a better result that tortures me; some way it could have worked. If only I hadn't gone over that night. If only I wouldn't've written that letter. It's thinking there still could be a better result that tortures me... still wanting to believe that I wasn't wrong.
Is it so hard to let go because I want our age difference to be okay? I want to believe that we're an unrequited "romeo and juliet," rather than just a mismatched couple. I think that's it... by clinging to the notion of her and I, by feeling tortured by her loss, I'm able to overlook that I should've stayed her friend longer; given her time to grow up more before I thought about anything more with her. It's not that I didn't, or don't, love her; it's just that the time wasn't right for us, and if I would've seen that then, maybe things could be different down the road. But I didn't see that then, and things are as they are, and I need to accept that.


Demons continued...
What have I become? More hedonistic; I've been sacrificing for the sake of pleasure. My current g/f's feelings... my ex's age... both cases involved sacrificing my morals for pleasure. And it was a conscious choice. I said that I would "take a year to play around," to be "amoral." I succeeded, and what did I gain? Remorse and self-loathing. Did I learn anything? Being amoral leads to bad situations... but fun ones! Where is the blend, the middle-ground, between leading a boring moral life, and a bad immoral one? If no one gets hurt? That's hard to predict; I've certainly hurt people.
I need to get back to putting th needs of others first. If I'm approached for some amoral fun, then I should go to town. Stay single for a while; there's still much you want to become... (Writer's note: for better or worse, I didn't follow my own advice on that one...)
Random thought: People don't seem to have faith in my ability to pull things together. My ex spoke of my big plans that went nowhere; my dad thought I'd be on my own by now. I need to fix that; I have to become more independant.


Another Demon
Financial independence. My father said he's sometimes embarrassed to talk about me. I live at home. I wait tables.
It's time to grow up. I intend to work full time during the day, and part time at night until I have a small nest-egg saved up. Then I'll move out, drop the part time job, and start business school. And as soon as I get a day job, start training for full-contact. My debut will be in the 2009 fights.


Why do I want to go to Texas?
To be independent? or to escape? It's the latter; I'm still running. Running from my past, from my future. I'm running from growing up. I can be independent in maryland.


In summary?
It's time to grow up. I can get a "real" job and still study kung fu and plan to open a school one day. I can even use the job to pay for business school. No more hiding behind the excuse of being afraid of finding a career that I don't want. If I'm happy, then there's no problem. If I'm not, then there should be no problem, because I should quit.




So that's it. Those are my thoughts for the two weeks I took to myself. They aren't the prettiest, but I think they're the most true that I've thought in a while. And for the first time in a long time, I have a good idea of where I'm going in life, and what I need to do to get there. And I have an even deeper appreciation of those who stand by me.