Bittersweet Irony

I find a deep sense of irony that the title of my last post (nearly a month ago) is more or less echoing my current thoughts even now. But I'll get to that in a minute. First I want to gripe about work because, apparently, people in my life that I would think are willing to hear it aren't. So I pitch it out to cyberspace because, if nothing else, it at least allows me to get it off my chest.

I wait tables at a relatively small restaurant on the water. Business sucks in the winter, and rocks in the summer. This is the second time I've worked there; the first time started a tad over four years ago, and I built up seniority and finally got good shifts for a summer, and life was good. Then I graduated college, and decided to leave to find a "career." Silly me, but I digress. I went back to the restaurant part time (i.e. one day a week) about a year and a half ago. I worked just Sundays (and the occasional Saturday) throughout last summer ('04). In January of this year, I transferred from the full-time banking position I was at to a part-time position, so that I could give my restaurant (what I knew would soon be my only job again) availability during the day during the winter. Why? So I could make the whopping 5-10 bucks that such a shift yields? No, it was so I could try to re-establish some sort of seniority. And it worked... to a point. I'm now about 7th from the top on a list of roughly 16-17 servers. The (main) problem lies in the fact that we only need 13-14 servers. We have 3-4 servers extra (who are each getting about two shifts a week) and some of us senior servers are stuck with only 4 days a week. This is bullshit, because these 3-4 extra servers (and some that are needed) are going back to school in the fall. Why are they getting the shifts, when experienced, time-tested, loyal, going-to-be-around-in-the-fall servers are getting the short end of the stick? Oh, AAAAND more servers are being hired; we might be filling our restaurant manager position soon (which, because the owner is a cheap bastard, is nothing more than a server with too much responsibility who gets paid about $8/hr along with their tips; yeah, they still have to wait tables. That leaves them tons of time to address customer issues, and train, and answer questions, and due all the other things that a restaurant manager should do, right?), so that's not only one more server, but it's one more at the top of the food chain!!!! Further, one of our bussers was told that when he comes back from vacation in a week or so, he'll be promoted to a server. Yeah, that's what we need. Incidentally, he's leaving for school in the fall too. On top of all this BS, the last few refuges available to us servers (i.e. places that didn't have "security" cameras), the server station and our pathetic little eating area behind a TV, now have said spy- oops, I mean "security"- cameras. What's next? Toilet cams? He could make a fortune selling those on the internet...

This is all actually in addition to a great many changes that have happened to the place since roughly mid-January (after an employee christmas party got out of hand). And I've tried to be patient. When good employees got fired for stupid reasons, took it in stride. When shitty employees were not fired, I handled it okay. When having a cell phone on our person became prohibitted, I rolled with it. But after so long, and so many changes, and so many more, and me not even getting the shifts (and consequently, the money) that I had been expecting, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how much longer I can take this in stride. I'm running out of patience.

And here's the kicker. I try not to do too much complaining (even though I don't succeed), but, as I've said, this has built up to a point that I don't think I can handle and I'm not sure what to do. (Do I leave? That means starting over with no seniority and no guarantee of shifts elsewhere, plus no idea of how much money I'd make. Do I threaten to leave? What if they call the bluff, or simply don't care that I do? Do I stage a revolt? Overthrow the restaurant? I'd rather not be shot by the police. I'm trying to just be patient and wait for a solution, but I like my place of work less and less with each passing day.) Anyway, I needed to gripe. So I turn to my girlfriend. The text-conversation went like this:


Me: Don't know how much longer I can work here. It seems like every time I overcome something stressful, two more things take its place...

Her: Sorry to hear that, but remember, we choose our jobs and its up to us to make the most of it. If you don't like it and are having trouble dealing with the stress, its up to you to make things change.

Me: I know, but I don't know where else to go. I don't wanna just pay my bills; I wanna pay them OFF. I dunno where else I can make that money.

Her: Then honey, you'll have to suck it up, take a deep breath and remind yourself of why you're dealing with what you're doing



Her: I hope I didn't upset you, it wasn't my intention. I hope you have a good night and sweet dreams, hope tomorrow goes better than today.

Me: U didn't upset me. Lol, not much anyways. I was just in a "console me" mood rather than a "council me" one. But as often as I throw out unsolicited advice, I can't, and don't, blame you. I'll be okay. ttyl

Her: Ooh, you're upset; my sincerest apologies, butI have trouble consoling on topics that can be fixed. Try taking a step back and imagining how much worse things can get.

Me: Problem is that my imagination is paling compared to whats actually happening. It's hard to change when you don't know what to change or if you even need to. I'll be okay.

Her: Guess we'll add work to the topics we can't discuss.

Me: Yeah... we'll start a different list

Her: Well, I suppose the way things are going tonight, it might be best if I leave you alone until the shit I've stirred up settles. If you don't hear from me it's nothing personal; just giving you some space.


I don't want any fucking space!! I want a girlfriend who actually gives a shit when something in my life is screwy! I don't need a lecture about how it's up to me to change things. If I had been bitching about this topic for the past six months, then yes, I'd deserve that lecture. But my verbalizing my frustrations has been, at the longest, only over the past two weeks. Is it so wrong to want some sympathy? Fuck! I'm more than capable of changing things; truth be told, I've already started going over various scenarios that might occur if I had to leave the job, and on various terms. But I'm not trying to be over-anxious to implement them, 'cause if I hurried up and changed something in my life every time something didn't go my way, I'd have no stability! (And at this point tonight, I sure as hell wouldn't have a girlfriend anymore!) All I fucking wanted was to be able to vent! Christ, when one of the regular karaoke singers butchers another song at the bar her friend works at, I don't tell her to shove off to another bar! I empathize; "Oh, that sucks; what song now? Oh, not that one... that's a great song; is there anyone good singing tonight?" See how that works?!?

Is it me? I tried to let the topic go; I did! Twice I said "I'll be okay" and tried to let it drop. But the lecturing comments kept coming! I don't need my problems belittled! "You're going to find that many of the truths we cling to in life depend greatly on our own point of view..." (Return of the Jedi). My problem could be the most insignificant thing in the world, but the fact that I view it as a problem means that: for me? It's a problem!

I'm so much more stressed now than I was at the beginning of the night... All I wanted was a "what's wrong?" "What happened?" "Could you try doing this?" Even a friggin suggestion about what could be changed, after listening to the situation, is better than arbitrarily pointing out that its a situation I can change. Boy, thanks for the insight! I thought this was hell and that I was permanently stuck! I'm not an idiot; I'm well aware that most of the situations of my life are well within my control. But again, the question is how to exercise that control; and that's the question that I don't have an answer for; THAT'S the question that I would've excepted advice on.

"Arbitrarily pointing out that I can change something does me no good whatsoever. There are
many things I can change, but I prefer to not resort to knee-jerk reactions to things. Rather, I prefer to seek the council of those I consider myself close to. I didn't want space. I wanted 'what's wrong?' I wanted to be able to vent, to explain my situation, and then maybe get advice on how to handle it; on what to change. Not some off-the-cuff, Boxed-Dr-Phil 'you're in charge of your life' response."

Hmmm... I wonder what kind of mood that would put her in if she woke up to that in the morning.