Meat and two veg

I actually wanted to make a post response to a recent comment about the occasional reference to my family jewels, ie. my penis. I'm surprised the references have been only occasional. Personally, I find the penis, the male obsession with it, and even the sound of the word itself, to be a nigh-bottomless source of entertainment. Now, I don't giggle like a school boy whenever someone says "penis." But come on... remember the whole Bobbit fiasco? Remember the faces and the hesitation on the anchor people's faces when they had to say "And she cut off his... penis." They were squirming in their seats, wishing they've been sent to cover a hurricane or something like that. (Brief side note: I'm not trying to mock the hurricane, but how high on a network's shit-list do you have to be when they go: "Hey Frank. There's a hurricane coming, and, uh, we want you to take a cameraman and a van and go to it and get some footage. No, not that van. Take the little one." But more to the point, how badly do these people want that anchor position?!? Just say no!)

But back to the penis (which I'm sure is as we write/read getting me a 'not suitable for minors' rating for my blog), it just makes me laugh. Guys are always concerned about how big it is, and will the girls like this, and yadda yadda. To give you an idea of the depth of self-involvement with our penises, I promise you that every man, at least once in his life, has measured it. If he says he hasn't, he's lying. We've measured it as sure as we were born. Most of us start at the top of our spine; it's important to include what we men call "inner shaft."

But the variety of names cracks me up too. One need only watch Austin Powers (and the sequel) to see what an odd variety of names we have for it. Johnson, weiner, frank, dick, dolphin, banana, woody, little buddy (don't ever call it little buddy unless you don't want to be intimate with us that night).... the list goes on. Not only that, but all the things we've created to imply that we're hung like rhinosceroses. Big feet, big nose, big hands. Indian people are, polish people are, german people are. We'll talk about having to wrap it around our waste just so it doesn't drag. Ladies. Honestly, if it were that long, would you want to have anything to do with it? Besides call Guinness, I mean. I imagine that would just hurt. But still, you get guys talking about how they were pole-vaulters in high school, and during this one competition their pole broke, but they still won 'cause they were able to catch themselves on their penis and properly vault over. (true story)

Now, I will say that not all guys talke about penises as much as I do. For some embarassment keeps them in check; for some its homophobia. Me? I dont' embarass easily at all, and I'm certainly not homophobic. But I do like to laugh. And I swear those things are funny. Fit for public? meh. Fit for kids? Probably not. Fit for this guy? Oh yeah. Because if you can laugh and talk about a penis, you can laugh and talk about anything.