The band or the wagon?

It's both! Yes, that's what I've fallen off of; the blogger bandwagon. I've not updated for some time now, and the last one was just a survey that I answered in my down time; not the most interesting read, I know. So what gives? I don't know; I think a large portion of it has to do with the fact that I'd namely be writing about the current girl in my life, but she reads this, and Jackson has always cautioned (and sometimes flat-out berated) me against using a blog as a means of communication, even an unintentional one. bah, fuck it. I don't think anything I'd write at this point is anything she didn't already know.

So we'd dated for two weeks before I told her I didn't want to date; and it really was all on me; I'm fucked-up in the head. What we currently have remains nameless for the moment, despite the fact that it effectively is dating. But I think it's namelessness allows me to enjoy it (vs. last time, where I was just a nervous bag of, um... bricks. Yeah, nervous bricks; right... good analogy...) The problem in my head is that, after six years of being single, I grew to like it and to expect it and to incorporate it into my plans. (And after I decide on all that, I've had more women in my life in the past year than ever before that.) All my visions for the future now? It's just me there; no Mrs. TheStampede anywhere in sight. So in my over-analyzing mind, if that's the case, then any dating I would do at this point is just spinning my wheels and stringing someone else along, because it'll eventually have to end if my bachelor-future is going to arrive as I've come to think it will (which is why I struggle to "date" anyone). And it's not that I couldn't change that vision; it's just that it took me six years to change to it, so it will likely take me some time to start thinking "okay, maybe I won't be single; we'll see." So while I'm effectively still dating the girl I told I didn't want to date, I'm not calling it that, and it's kind of circumventing my fucked-upedness.

All that being said, our nameless-association is going very well. I talk to her (well, primarily through texting and IMing) much more than I might've expected to; truly, more than I'd care to admit, because I make my best efforts to take things as slow as I can (for reasons already named). But despite that fact, I'm usually the one to initiate contact on a given day; I like talking to her, I suppose, and I've never been very good at restraining myself from overindulging in the things I like (a look into my bank account is proof of that); so that's what I find myself doing with her. And I'm grateful for the fact that she didn't write me off after I told her I didn't want to date her; I could tell she was upset for a day or two, but after that it was as though I'd never said anything, and we kept plugging along in the process of changing our amicable acquaintance into something more. But I really had no intention of continuing a dating path when I said as much, and I made a distinct effort not to for a week or so afterwards. Which means that it was either her persistance, or her disbelief in what I had said that led us to where we are now. Maybe she saw through my psychosis and decided that I might be worth the time if that could be surmounted? I don't know. Whatever the case, though, I'm glad she did, because I am enjoying myself these days.

PS: I've noticed that I don't have the option to choose the date and time of my post anymore... most peculiar...