Grave Circumstances

That is how I return to you faithful readers tonight. I come back here to vent because I'm fairly positive I hurt someone tonight; my only solace is that maybe I helped her as well.

I had talked myself into dating a relatively newfound friend (worked with her years ago, didn't talk with her for a while until recently reconnected through a mutual friend/coworker). She's an awesome girl (although I suspect she would argue against that), but my gut was telling me that I shouldn't date her (I have to start listening to that). I overruled my instinct, however, and we proceded to start dating. I had fun with her, I really did. But, as any of you who read faithfully are aware, I really don't want a relationship and possibly won't ever. And when I found myself in what was effectively a relationship with her, that point became very poignant, and I realized something had to change: either me, or the relation between her and I.

That wasn't a snap judgement; I thought about it for a few days, because she's a total sweetheart and I was worried about regretting things if I did end it. But I ultimately decided that even if I one day wanted a relationship, her and I probably didn't have enough in common to be successful long-term (despite how much fun I had with her, we really did have very dissimilar interests). So, with that in mind, my only option was to stop what we had, take some time apart, and hopefully be able to remanufacture the friendship that made hanging out with her fun.

But, in the middle of what was essentially breaking-up with her (which she agreed, given everything else, had to happen), I was still trying to help her out. Her self-esteem is nowhere near where it should be for someone as great as she is, and I tried to point out that she needed to learn to be happy with herself and do what was best for her before worrying about finding someone else. It's kinda funny, because my advice to virtually anyone/everyone is "Be Single." It's as though I get a commission off of people who stay single; like some sort of pyramid scheme, perhaps. (Ed Note: The term "pyramid scheme" will probably get me some spam about that here; betcha.) But I think so few people realize how great it is.

Everyone tells me that all relationships involve compromise. Well of course they do. Because the people in them have spent so much time either in a relationship or else looking for one, that they have no real clue about what they themselves want! They've spent their whole lives grooming themselves for what they thing others will want! So of course compromise comes natural to them; they've not only been doing it their whole lives, but I think in many cases they don't even know who they are to really "compromise" that.

So, I preached to her a bit amidst the tears and the laughter (I can't help but try to make light of a serious situation). I tried to offer my advice as far as what I thought was best for her, but, more importantly, that if she looked inside herself, she'd know what was best for her in any situation. I told her that I enjoyed talking with her and hanging out with her, and that I thought we should take a month or so and not talk to each other to put some distance between us before we tried to be just friends again. (Actually, I made it a month-and-a-half-ish, 'cause a month would put things right before Valentine's Day, which despite being a crock of a holiday in-and-of itself, would probably complicate the friendship process.) And that was that. Part of me feels bad, because I know she was at least a little upset and I hate having to make people feel that way. But for the most part, I know I did what was right by both of us, so I'm clinging to that. With all of that said, I'm fucking exhaused from trouble sleeping last night and a long day today, so I'm off to bed. I won't even bother promising to try to write more here; let's just see what happens. G'night all.