POV

"Obi-wan... why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."

"Your father was seduced by the dark side of the force; he ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view."

"From a 'certain point of view'?"

"Luke, you're going to find many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view..."


I spend tonight trying to decide if my point of view is askew or not. I feel slighted, abandoned even (and not for the first time), by someone I consider to be family, and I'm wondering if I am justified in feeling that way. The person in question will probably take issue with me writing this out, rather than discussing it in person, but the fact of the matter is that by time I might get the opportunity to talk about it, the hurt and anger will have faded, and I most certainly didn't have the chance to talk about it tonight; so I write on here, if for no other reason, to get it out of my system rather than cling to it, which is most unhealthy.

I made plans with my friend two (maybe three?) weeks ago to go see a show tonight; my instructor is the singer in a band and they were having their first(-ish) real gig, and I asked him if he wanted to go and he said sure. As recently as last night, that was still the plan. As I'm getting ready to go down there (about 45-50 minutes before intending to be at the show), he tells me his girlfriend will be hanging out for a while before she goes to dinner at her parents', and that he and I can get something to eat after the show if I want. That's fine; no real problem there; I've become accustomed by this point to expecting his girlfriend to come along on anything we'd planned to do (unless they're fighting, which is roughly a 50/50 shot). So I just get a small cheeseburger on the ride down to hold me over until after the show. However, when I get to his place, roughly ten minutes before I mean to be at the show, he tells me he was "sucker punched" into having dinner with his girlfriend at her parents place. I'm sorry; when did it become rude to say "Well, I kind of already had these plans; I'll have to come another night"? So, okay, that's fine; they'll come to the show with me, hang out, and then they'll go eat, right? Nope. The bands are running a little behind, so they hang around with me for one song and then bail. So, no dinner and virtually no show. And I'm left hanging out with my classmates (who I know, but not particularly well by this point; it was the first time I'd seen any of them outside of class), an empty stomach, and nothing to do after the show (which was only 40 minutes; and I had no intention of sticking around for the other bands, because everyone else that I knew by this point was already leaving too). So where does that leave me? Home, punching away at the keys here, hungry, because I want to go out to eat, but don't want fast food, but also don't want to sit by myself in a restaurant (I'm not above doing that; I just don't want to tonight). Between work and martial arts, I don't feel like I have too much free time anymore, and I was looking forward to enjoying myself tonight. And, despite a good show, I'm now not.

So I ask you, dear readers, is my point of view off? Am I unjustified in thinking the way I am? I am in no way wanting him to choose between me and her; if he wants to date her, that's entirely up to him and it's fine with me. (Besides, I know full-well what that choice would be.) All I want is to feel like slightly more than something that can be tossed aside at a whim; I want my feelings to be considered before plans with me are thrown to the wind. Christ, all I fucking want is a commitment honored, or, if it can't be, at least tell me more than ten fucking minutes before said commitment; give me a chance to find someone else who might go, you know?

And I sit here, simmering and stewing, attempting to figure out if I'm justified to be hurt and upset, and, even moreso, if I am justified in feeling that way, is it worth my effort to hold onto the anger or should I just let it go? This is my friend I'm talking about; my best friend; my brother. He's one of three people (including my actual blood brother) I consider to be in very close running for being my best man should I ever get married. I don't want to stay mad; I don't want to think about what life would be like if we ever had a blow-up fight and I never got to talk to him anymore. But I also don't like wondering if any plans I have with him will be altered or abandoned last minute; I don't like being expendable, and that's how I feel.

Maybe it's just jealousy. (I'm not gay, fyi; not even bi-curious.) But maybe I'm just jealous that she gets his attention now instead of me. I mean, this is a man who's played a large role in my life for over a decade; maybe I just feel like I'm losing him and it scares me. Actually, I can confirm that; it's no 'maybe.' I do feel like I'm slowly but surely being cut from his life; that hanging out with me doesn't mean as much to him as it used to, and that's why it's so easy for him to brush me off. But that's my still-lower-than-it-should-be self-esteem talking. I don't really believe that's the case; but it's hard to not think it.

Anyway, I'm going to go get some food now. I dunno where; out somewhere. Hope everyone has a better night than I am so far.