Jeckyl and Hyde

So I've come to the understanding that I haven't exactly been myself for this past year. And I'm not sure why that comes as a surprise to me. It was a little over a year ago, almost exactly, that I decided to shed the bonds of my morality and live a life of amoral carnality (if I may make up that word to mean "physical pleasures"). My reasoning was that most people lived that sort of way at some point in their lives, and I never had. I decided to take a year (ironic that it took me exactly that long to learn the forthcoming lesson) to do whatever I wanted, regardless of what I'd been raised to think. It was not without consequences. I hurt people, I did things that I wouldn't otherwise have done... I wasn't myself.

The story of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde has been one of my favorites since I first read it, and I just recently re-read it, and I'm amazed at the parallels with my own life. (You should read the story, btw; it's only about 50 pages, and very good (maybe a little wordy).) In the story, Dr. Jeckyl is convinced that humans are made of two parts: one good, one bad. He believes this because he takes pleasure both in helping others and giving of himself, as well as doing selfish things without regard for others. However, he acknowledges that both sides are equally true to himself, so the only solution is that he must be comprised of two different beings.

Being a chemist of reknown, he creates a formula to seperate the two sides; to allow one to exist in him without the other. His intention, hoping to bring out the flawless good in him, is noble enough, but the moment before he first drinks his elixir he daydreams of fame and fortune stemming from his discovery, and the timing of that selfish thought makes his bad side alert enough to seize the opportunity to slip through the "door" created by the elixir. Hyde, being his dark side, was totally self-absorbed and gave no thought to others. He struck me as more selfish than the "evil" to which Jeckyl refers to him. Through the elixir, he was able to switch back and forth between his Jeckyl and Hyde personas. The relative part (rather than going through the entire book), is that as Hyde, he felt no remorse for the things he did, and as Jeckyl, he remembered Hyde's actions, but felt unaccountable as "Hyde" had done them rather than himself. Although it could be argued that Jeckyl was equally accountable because he chose to release Hyde, he was truly two different people.

Unfortunately, I think that's what happened to me. I really wasn't myself last year. Like Jeckyl, I consciously shed my morality. And like him, I've learned that there's no such thing as being unaccountable for our choices. I'm back, now, to having these baser desires, but with my morality back in place to keep them in check. Here's hoping that my Hyde doesn't grow restless after being recaged and try to overthrow Jeckyl.