What am I supposed to do?
Friend (frend) KEY NOUN:
A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
For many of us, this definition likely does not go far enough. For myself, my friends are my kin, my family. I care for them more than even myself, and there is no limit to what I would do for them. Right?
I have to question that this evening. I would like to think that I would do anything for them, but there is something that I no longer find myself capable to do: listen to gripes about the same fixable problem.
Case in point: I have a lady friend who has consistently dated, and complained, about her asshole of a boyfriend. He has treated her, at best, as a nuisance, until he begins to fear losing her, and then he'll show attention and affection for a week or two just to keep her locked in place. She broke up with him last week, and was very much ready to start casually dating someone else. I couldn't have been more proud of her. She'd finally severed the ties to the thing that brought her misery. I even made her a card of congratulations. And then, not a week later, they are a couple again.
I was dumbfounded. Hardly said a word at work at all yesterday, because I couldn't understand why she would do such a thing. And my confusion only heightened as a considered my other friends, indeed, even people I barely knew, who had all made similar decisions. Before I get into my rant about why people make decisions that lead to unhappiness, my current dilemma is that I told her I wanted to hear no complaints about him whatsoever. I said, and I quote, "If he punches you around the kitchen and pushes you down the stairs, don't call me until your bruises are gone." Harsh words, true; harsher than I probably meant, but I think my point needed making. I am tired of hearing people complain about the exact same problem when they do nothing to fix the situation; many actually get out of the problematic area only to turn around and plunge head-first back into it. And I am sick of hearing it. I'm tired of hearing about this guy standing her up all the time and making her unhappy. I'm tired of hearing how someone just needs this house or needs to find some girl and then they'll be happy. I'm just sick of it, and I have no intentions of listening to these same gripes anymore.
But isn't that what a friend is supposed to do? Are we not supposed to be there, no questions asked, for whatever faculty our friends may need? I think, perhaps, my problem lies in the fact that I care too much for others, and that I can not be part of a conversation without offering my opinion on the subject. (For those who would say it is not my place to offer advice, my take is that if you are willing to discuss a certain subject with me, in the interest of being able to partake in the conversation, it should be expected that I will give my take on a given topic. If you don't want my opinion, then don't talk to me about that certain thing.) But those two facts mean that when I have to hear the same problem repeatedly, I wind up giving the same advice. Repeatedly. And I grow tired of giving it, particularly when the advisee agrees with what I have to say, and nevertheless ignores it. What am I supposed to do? To listen to the gripes without offering suggestions on how to end the problems is to not care. And I do care... I want my friends to turn to me with their problems, but if they continue to let the problem happen, should I still be expected to listen to them? If the problem persists because of inaction on their part, how long should I tolerate the complaints?
Of course, the heart of this issue is people's inability to make common-sense decisions. People allow emotions to rule their lives. And this is not to say that emotions do not have their place, because they are what seperate us from animals. Our feelings of love, anger, loyalty, courage, fear, etc, make us unique in this world. But they are not the only faculties at our command. We also have logic and, in theory, common sense. But these are all to often ignored. Take the above poor relationship as an example. Why would this girl get back together with a jerk? I can only think of a few reasons, none of which are well thought-out. 1) She loves him. This is no doubt true. But it is possible to love someone and not be compatible with them. How many people love their parents, but have no desire to spend more time with them than necessary? I love all of my friends and family, but few are those that I feel the need to see every day, and fewer still are those that I'd want to live with. 2) Fear of being alone. This one seems common among most people, but I don't understand it. I have family, and I have friends. And given that, I have no fear of being alone. Why should I need "someone special" to grow old with? I'm not saying that I have no interest in a relationship, but I have no interest in one right now, and I certainly don't NEED one ever.
So why do people do this? Why do they ignore the decisions they should make for those that they know will only bring unhappiness? Why do they continue to look outwardly for happiness rather than from within? Why are they so afraid of change? These questions plague me, and at certain times (like now), the inquiry becomes unbearable.
posted by christhestampede @ 7:50 PM
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