Friday, July 21, 2006

# 200

This is my 200th post. Wow... I'd like to thank everyone who made this possible. My friends, my emotions, all my ex's... um, my parents especially, I guess; I wouldn't be here if not for them.

Yesterday was a good day; I used a gift cert from christmas to see the new Pirates movie. It was pretty good; a little long though, and the first one was definitely better. The first one was lighter, I felt; it was more playful. This one still had similar elements, but it was definitely darker. And too long, did I mention that? But I spent some times in the state park too; put some demons to rest, and hopefully the good that I planted will grow and blossom like the other things in the park. I have a secret ingredient too: olive juice.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

False Hope

It's interesting that people distinguish between hope, and false hope. False hope, I suppose, is when you hope for something that is never going to happen. But whoever is doing the false hoping obviously doesn't know that, or else it isn't false hope, but ignorance, or maybe disbelief. But to hope is to not know whether something will happen. If that is the case, then ALL hope has the potential to be false hope, and false hope is still hope.

I would rather have hope, than nothing at all.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Threshold

"My heart quakes as it slides, spewing sparks, across the electified threshold of new love."

That quote meant everything to me; happiness, love, fun, tenderness, compassion; and I don't even know where it's from.

I could probably think of a hundred reasons, some better than others, why what happened is for the best. I can focus more on martial arts now. I can push back the move-out-of-the-house goal until I'm more financially comfortable with it. I don't have to worry about angry step-fathers, or hiding truths, or disapproving looks. ... But none of those reasons matter; none of them fill the empty void in my heart.

We had our differences, but I didn't care. For once, I was the one ignoring the incompatibilities, pretending they weren't there. For once, I was the one who threw reason aside and embraced the chaos of emotion. For once, I defied the fate that I think I knew would happen eventually. I miss her... I find myself putting up a front around most of my friends, who all think I should be happy now; they all think I was foolish to even put myself in that situation to begin with. And maybe I was... but that doesn't make it hurt less.

I've probably cried more in the past 50-some hours than I have in the past 5 years. I look back and wonder if there wasn't anything I could've said differently, or something I could've done differently, to salvage what I had. There isn't. I think even if this particular incompatibility weren't an issue, the heretofore unnoticed (or unrespected) stress of keeping things going would've eventually caught up to me. But, again, that doesn't make life any easier. I was happy being single; that means that, despite the stress, I was happier being with her. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have stayed. But despite the joy I had... it had to end.

In times of great stress in my life, I often turn to Star Wars, not for entertainment, but for inspiration; I see genuine truth in the lessons the series has to offer. And at this time, in particular, I pity Anakin. Sometimes, we don't want to make the right choices; sometimes they hurt too much. And if we aren't careful, we can grow to care for something so much that we're willing to destroy everything we know and love and believe in just to save it. In a sense, that takes as much bravery and commitment as it does to do the right thing no matter how much it pains us. Anakin had a strong will to be able to sacrifice everything in an effort to save the woman he loved. And so, from the eyes of Obi-Wan or Yoda, I probably did the right thing by standing by my principles; I was probably strong in letting go of what I feared losing. ... But from Anakin's point of view? ..I simply wasn't strong enough... And for that, Switch, I'm so very, eternally, sorry...

"My heart aches as it divides, shedding tears, within the barren wasteland that is lost love."

Friday, July 07, 2006

Broken Heart-On

I know that you're hiding things,
using gentle words to shelter me.
Your words were like a dream...
But dreams could never fool me.
Not that easily...

I acted so distant then,
didn't say goodbye before you left.
But I was listening...
You fight your battles far frome me,
far too easily...

"Save your tears, 'cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door.
But still I swore
to hide the pain. When I turn back the pages,
Shouting might have been the answer.
What if I cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart?
But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart.

Though a thousand words
have never been spoken,
They'll fly to you
Crossing over the time and distance holding you
Suspended on silver wings.
And a thousand words,
one thousand confessions,
will cradle you
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away.
They'll hold you forever.

The dream isn't over yet
Though I often say I can't forget.
I still relive that day.
You've been there with me all the way.
I still hear you say...

"Wait for me, I'll write you letters"
I could see how you stand with your eyes to the floor.
But still I swore
To hide the doubt. When I turn back the pages,
Anger might have been the answer.
What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait?
But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late.

'Cause a thousand words
call out through the ages.
They'll fly to you,
even though we can't see, I know they're reaching you,
suspended on silver wings.
Oh a thousand words,
one thousand embraces,
will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away.
They'll hold you forever.

And a thousand words,
Have never been spoken.
They'll fly to you
And carry you home, and back into my arms,
suspended on silver wings.
And a thousand words
Call out through the ages.
They'll cradle you,
changing all of the lonely years to only days.
They'll hold you forever.

A thousand words...

Saturday, July 01, 2006

My subconscious, the playwrite

I had quite a lengthy and vivid dream last night (one I think might have carried on from before I woke up to get a drink and went back to bed). It was very theatre-ish, and I want to write it out here because it impressed me.

It starts in front of a large crowd of people; being a dream, I'm unsure if this is a king's court and the people are various advisors, or if it's simply the stage and the people are the audience. Regardless, the king's son is quite the comic and entertainer, and is well-loved by the people. In the opening scene, he's describing how castle life has become boring for him, and he's going off to see the world and to find the girl of his dreams. Someone asks him what she'd be like, and he responds with a vibrant, joyous song, of which I can only remember part: "She'll have ruby lips, snow-white skin..."

So he leaves on his adventure, and though I don't remember how, he and a few people he's met during the course of his journey wind-up in the main city of an opposing empire. This enemy empire is very harsh and brutal to its people, with such stringent rules as "no games." The group winds up in a tavern (think Mos Eisley, but not quite so rough) sitting at a table next to a table of ladies. (Both groups of 4-5 are very ecclectic with their species (like ogres) and appearances (big vs petit).) One of the women in particular catches his eye. They make small talk, and soon the two tables are pulled together and everyone is conversing. (Brief side note: during this part, I remember one of the two large women feeding a small dog under the table, and one of the empirial guards (a troll) sees her and, as this is against the rules, chases the dog and eventually kills it and eats it. The woman is upset, but takes solace because something about the dog would be poisonous to the troll and it would eventually die.)

At some point, a few of the guys begin discretely (so they think) discussing the hot girl and the fact that though they unanimously feel that there is a man in her life, that it's odd that he isn't out with her. (Apparently, girls night out doesn't factor in.) They're overheard, however, by some of the girls, who explain that the man the hot girl was supposed to marry was killed (for breaking rules), and so she solemnly decided to dedicate her life to the government so that the same fate doesn't befall her & so she can maybe change it from within. (She's some sort of low-level official; equivalent to a priest in the catholic church heirarchy.) She hears all of this conversation, and becomes saddened by his memory, and says "I should go." To which the prince replies "No one here wants you to," in a Tom-Hanks-Meg-Ryan-Movie sort of way. (It was very moving in the dream; it was one of two parts that I know I actually started crying in real-life while I was asleep.)

The prince was referring to himself in particular, and the woman realizes that there's some sort of connection between the two of them. She stays, and conversation continues, and the prince (who, btw, never really mentions he's the prince of another kingdom) begins to teach her table-top football. (you know, with the paper folded into a triangle?) Two guards come along and interupt the game, proclaiming it against the rules and punishable by death for both players. In typical heroic fashion, the prince explains that it's not a game, but a training exercise for throwing knives. In demonstration, he whips a blade into the chest of one of the guards. Before the other can react, the girl does the same. (This is done quickly and quietly so that it doesn't draw attention to the group and the bodies are hidden.) The two retrieve their daggers and look at each other, then both throw their own into the ground at the other's feet, exchanging blades. (A sort of metaphorical "exchanging of vows".)

The two groups spend the rest of the night talking (with most of the women eventually leaving except for the girl), until the place is almost empty and a team of a Giant and a wizard decide that the group is perfect for their own made-up rule "Kill as many people at a table as you can." After a minor skirmish, the team retreats, followed by their attackers. They manage to escape through a magic tunnel to the outside of the city, where they convince the tunnel's keeper to collapse it on their followers. This doesn't kill them, however; it merely enrages them, and as they erupt from the ground, the group is forced to fight them, only this time they win.

They spend a few days walking across the country, back towards the prince's kingdom (by this time, I think she knows he's a prince). The two are very clearly soul-mates, and delight in each-other's company. However, while passing a smaller town, the girl hears over a loudspeaker that all deserters are invited back to the main city to receive a pardon for deserting. (Because so many people hated their government and fled it, it was against the rules, and punishable by death, to leave the city without permission for any reason. (As the girl had just done.)) She perceives this as a sign that her government is changing for the better, and decides to return in the hopes that more people responding will lead to more positive change. The prince, who has know the strategies and ways of his enemy for a long time, tries to tell her that it's a trap, and that the government only wants all of the deserters in one place so it may kill them all as a show of strength. The girl refuses to believe him, and the two part company.

Downcast, the prince and his group continue their journey home, with each member departing as they pass their town of origin. As the prince walks over the bridge into his castle, he remembers the girl's knife at his waist and disgustedly throws it down, where it bounces of the rock of the bridge and clatters to the ground (in contrast to sticking in the ground earlier).

Inside the court (with the crowd of people there again), the prince makes a grand entrance by sliding down a long banister, hooking his leg under it and flipping off of it, displaying a massive feat of acrobatics as he soars through the air to land on the lip of a fountain. A huge grin on his face, the prince begins to leap and flip and cartwheel about the room (demonstrating how refined his prowess has become during his adventure) and telling the people of all the strange and wonderous things he's seen (like mermaids and other creatures). At some point, someone in the crowds, in reference to the prince leaving to find a woman, simply says "what about 'her'?" In an instant, the smile is gone from the prince's face. He faces the fact that she's gone from his life, and probably dead, and he begins to sing, sadly, "She had ruby lips... snow-white skin..." and then he breaks down and begins to cry. (This was the second time I cried; I woke up with tears in my eyes.) He's not sobbing for more than a few seconds, however, when a dagger imbeds itself at his feet. It's her dagger, and as he looks up, he sees her standing in the entranceway; she'd realized that he only wanted to protect her, and it meant he loved her, and decided to trust him and come be with him. And they lived happily ever after.

... I'm not gay.