Hatred

I hate my fucking job. I hate my fucking douchebag of a boss. I hate our swindling, conniving owner. I hate 90% of my coworkers. I hate it when people bitch non-stop about their asshole significant others, cry to me that they "need a friend," and then go right back to said asshole significant others. I fucking hate that my sense of "reason" and "responsibility" make me feel like a fucking doormat at work because it's not "sensible" to just up and quit that job because I have "financial obligations." So instead I'm supposed to just allow them to walk over me the entire time I'm looking for a new job. I fucking hate that I have christmas decorations up in the basement right now, so I can't even hang up the punching bad and go to town on it. I hate that there so much adware on my computer that it's lagging even as I FUCKING TYPE this. I hate that I'm not financially better off so I COULD just up and quit my job without worrying about it. I hate the fact that I can't stop spending money on stupid shit. I hate that I'm kept up at nights worrying that the sins of my past will catch up to me. I hate feeling helpless and out of control of my life, and that's exactly how I feel right now. I have NOT had a good morning, and I've only been awake for an hour.

But, on the up-side, if you're reading this, there's a pretty good chance that I don't hate you.

Jeckyl and Hyde

So I've come to the understanding that I haven't exactly been myself for this past year. And I'm not sure why that comes as a surprise to me. It was a little over a year ago, almost exactly, that I decided to shed the bonds of my morality and live a life of amoral carnality (if I may make up that word to mean "physical pleasures"). My reasoning was that most people lived that sort of way at some point in their lives, and I never had. I decided to take a year (ironic that it took me exactly that long to learn the forthcoming lesson) to do whatever I wanted, regardless of what I'd been raised to think. It was not without consequences. I hurt people, I did things that I wouldn't otherwise have done... I wasn't myself.

The story of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde has been one of my favorites since I first read it, and I just recently re-read it, and I'm amazed at the parallels with my own life. (You should read the story, btw; it's only about 50 pages, and very good (maybe a little wordy).) In the story, Dr. Jeckyl is convinced that humans are made of two parts: one good, one bad. He believes this because he takes pleasure both in helping others and giving of himself, as well as doing selfish things without regard for others. However, he acknowledges that both sides are equally true to himself, so the only solution is that he must be comprised of two different beings.

Being a chemist of reknown, he creates a formula to seperate the two sides; to allow one to exist in him without the other. His intention, hoping to bring out the flawless good in him, is noble enough, but the moment before he first drinks his elixir he daydreams of fame and fortune stemming from his discovery, and the timing of that selfish thought makes his bad side alert enough to seize the opportunity to slip through the "door" created by the elixir. Hyde, being his dark side, was totally self-absorbed and gave no thought to others. He struck me as more selfish than the "evil" to which Jeckyl refers to him. Through the elixir, he was able to switch back and forth between his Jeckyl and Hyde personas. The relative part (rather than going through the entire book), is that as Hyde, he felt no remorse for the things he did, and as Jeckyl, he remembered Hyde's actions, but felt unaccountable as "Hyde" had done them rather than himself. Although it could be argued that Jeckyl was equally accountable because he chose to release Hyde, he was truly two different people.

Unfortunately, I think that's what happened to me. I really wasn't myself last year. Like Jeckyl, I consciously shed my morality. And like him, I've learned that there's no such thing as being unaccountable for our choices. I'm back, now, to having these baser desires, but with my morality back in place to keep them in check. Here's hoping that my Hyde doesn't grow restless after being recaged and try to overthrow Jeckyl.

Job hunting is hard

God, this sucks! I hate my job, and I'm ready to grow up, and it's just not happening fast enough!!! I need to get hired by someone, dammit! Of course... it's probably my fault that I blew two of my interviews. One of which I was a little too casual during (an old friend of mine worked their, and seemed friends with the guy who interviewed me, so I guess I assumed that would translate, but I don't think it did.) And the other one I kinda ruined by asking a phone interview chick to lunch. Not my proudest moment, and certainly not my smartest. But she sounded hot! lol

I'm still dropping applications like bombs in the middle east. I also had the good people at State Farm inform me that they're about to have an opening, and they suggested I apply there. Even if I don't get/take a job there, it makes me feel good that the employees think well-enough of me that they'd want to work with me. Ideally, I still want a bank job. I know that business, I know I can do it, I know I can advance in it, an I know how to milk the benefits for all they're worth. So that's what I'm working towards. Wish me luck; I need it. I told my current job that if they were unable to give me off for Christmas, to let me know because I'd have to give my notice. Christmas means too much to me to spend the day in that suckhole. (Shouldn't be open anyway... ) But, if that's the motivation I need to kick my job hunt into high-gear, then so be it!

My meditations

As promised, here is what I uncovered about myself, page-by-page, during my two weeks of turning inwards at the beginning of November. Be forewarned, this is a long one.


Who Am I?
-A martial artist and philosopher
-A dreamer
-Impressionable
-Arrogant
-Mildly wise
-Mildly foolish
-Idealist
-Mostly strong
-Dependant on others
-Struggle to bring about change
-Overly-cautious
-Devout
-Faithful
-Fiercely loyal
-Equally vengeful
-A nerd
-Anxious to be independant
-Grateful for what I have
-Afraid to fail, to not live up to my potential
-Unsure of my potential
-Unsure of how to reach, or even to pace, my goals
-Feel like I'm meant for something "more"


What do I want to change?
-More confidence
-Less arrogance
-More living in the moment without analyzing
-More motivation
-Less debt
-Less time wasted playing video games
-More will-power
-More independence
-More inner-peace
-Better job
-Better-spent time


How can I change?
-Start by getting more will-power. Decide I want to do something, then do it. Don't be lazy, don't procrastinate, don't make excuses. I'm always telling others that they're stronger than they think; I need to believe that about myself.
-Less arrogance- Stop giving advice, even if requested. See my own faults. Look on others with caring, unconditional eyes.
-More confidence- Continue training, and staying true to myself
-More living in the moment- Stop over-analyzing and do what feels right. My inner nature will be correct more often than my intellect, or even my heart.
-More motivation- Like willpower, decide what I want to do, then do it.
-Less debt/better job- Hunt for jobs, and save my money. Pay a $200 "savings" bill each month.
-Less VG time- set a daily limit for video games, and make sure I don't go over it.
-More independence- will come naturally with a better job and less debt.
-More inner peace- meditate daily, see others with compassion, acknowledge pain as temporary.
-Better-spent time- will come with more willpower.
Overall: Do what I set my mind to. Stop giving advice to others; see my own flaws and advise myself. Stay true to myself and trust my inner nature. Train harder. See others with compassion. Hunt for a new job and pay $200/mo into a savings account. Set VG time limit. Meditate daily and see/understand irritation/pain are temporary.


What are my goals?
-To become a skilled martial artist
-To own a successful marital arts school
-To compete and do well in full-contact fighting
-To own a Caterham Super 7
-To own my own house
-To go to Ireland
-To go to China
-To learn to play the fiddle and/or piano
-To become fluent in french
-To learn chinese
-To volunteer more often
-To write my philosophy book


What demons must I slay?
-My feelings for my ex
What are they? I range from fine to distraught. I feel as though both are for show; I'm fine when I want to seem strong, and distraught when I want to seem romantic. So what are my real feelings for her?
I miss her; we had fun together. I don't think I want to be just friends; the thought of her and her new boyfriend hurts. Or is that just jealousy?
I know we can't work as a couple. We have vastly different views on religion and drugs, and her parents think I'm an ass. So why can't I let go?
What do I miss, then? She made me laugh. We shared a love of nature. I liked her playful and carefree attitude. ...I liked making her eyes glow. And those were all great things, but are they enough to make me hold on like I am?
Or is it that I'm afraid to be wrong? Am I just afraid to admit that I dated someone who was too young for me? I convinced myself that we would work so the age wasn't important; did I just lie to myself? Am I so distraught sometimes just to convince myself that I wasn't bad? I'm not unhappy now. I live my life much as I did while I was with her; there's less stress now though.
It's thinking that there could've been a better result that tortures me; some way it could have worked. If only I hadn't gone over that night. If only I wouldn't've written that letter. It's thinking there still could be a better result that tortures me... still wanting to believe that I wasn't wrong.
Is it so hard to let go because I want our age difference to be okay? I want to believe that we're an unrequited "romeo and juliet," rather than just a mismatched couple. I think that's it... by clinging to the notion of her and I, by feeling tortured by her loss, I'm able to overlook that I should've stayed her friend longer; given her time to grow up more before I thought about anything more with her. It's not that I didn't, or don't, love her; it's just that the time wasn't right for us, and if I would've seen that then, maybe things could be different down the road. But I didn't see that then, and things are as they are, and I need to accept that.


Demons continued...
What have I become? More hedonistic; I've been sacrificing for the sake of pleasure. My current g/f's feelings... my ex's age... both cases involved sacrificing my morals for pleasure. And it was a conscious choice. I said that I would "take a year to play around," to be "amoral." I succeeded, and what did I gain? Remorse and self-loathing. Did I learn anything? Being amoral leads to bad situations... but fun ones! Where is the blend, the middle-ground, between leading a boring moral life, and a bad immoral one? If no one gets hurt? That's hard to predict; I've certainly hurt people.
I need to get back to putting th needs of others first. If I'm approached for some amoral fun, then I should go to town. Stay single for a while; there's still much you want to become... (Writer's note: for better or worse, I didn't follow my own advice on that one...)
Random thought: People don't seem to have faith in my ability to pull things together. My ex spoke of my big plans that went nowhere; my dad thought I'd be on my own by now. I need to fix that; I have to become more independant.


Another Demon
Financial independence. My father said he's sometimes embarrassed to talk about me. I live at home. I wait tables.
It's time to grow up. I intend to work full time during the day, and part time at night until I have a small nest-egg saved up. Then I'll move out, drop the part time job, and start business school. And as soon as I get a day job, start training for full-contact. My debut will be in the 2009 fights.


Why do I want to go to Texas?
To be independent? or to escape? It's the latter; I'm still running. Running from my past, from my future. I'm running from growing up. I can be independent in maryland.


In summary?
It's time to grow up. I can get a "real" job and still study kung fu and plan to open a school one day. I can even use the job to pay for business school. No more hiding behind the excuse of being afraid of finding a career that I don't want. If I'm happy, then there's no problem. If I'm not, then there should be no problem, because I should quit.




So that's it. Those are my thoughts for the two weeks I took to myself. They aren't the prettiest, but I think they're the most true that I've thought in a while. And for the first time in a long time, I have a good idea of where I'm going in life, and what I need to do to get there. And I have an even deeper appreciation of those who stand by me.