A conversation

LAST NIGHT

"l've lost my heart along with my mind... John you were a great friend and I love you as a friend and Sally is great for you."

"Were?" I still AM a great friend! Right?

I am, were, or was... I am going to be nothing.

Why aren't you going to be anything? I'm confused...

I hate my life so much

Why? Cuz of Tim? Please. He's been no good to you since the outset.

No he adds to it but it's more than him.

Well then make a change sweety. You have the power to make your life better. And you always have me here to help too.

THIS MORNING

What was the outset?

The outset of what?

I don't know you wrote it about Tim? I was re-reading the texts I'm so sorry I was real drunk. lol I was not thinking clearly.

I wrote WHAT about Tim? You're not making any sense... are you STILL drunk?

lol I don't fuckin' know anymore egh nevermind. But last night was awesome. Tim and I had sex for 2 hours straight the prolonged orgasm was phenominal.

That's wonderful. Thanks for making me fear for your life last night only to tell me you're still fucking the guy that's fucking you over. That's just... yeah, thanks. Whatever.

I'm sorry; I wasn't suicidal last night. I was upset about my future; meg hurt my feelings by saying there's no way UMDCP will accept me. It was a low blow and I was angry and drunk thinking that I'm not good enough. Bad combo.

You said you lost your heart and mind. That I "was" a good friend. That you didn't have a future. That you hated your life, and Tim added to that hate. Whatever.

Nothing was directed at Tim. I was with him at his school.

I've lost my heart; my mind is so back and forth and here and there; it's lost and last night I felt like I was nothing cuz meg made me feel like shit.

Yeah? If you were with Tim all night, why didn't you talk to HIM about how miserable you felt? Oh, right. He just uses you for sex and probably wouldn't really care. How healthy for you.

He doesn't use me for sex! If that's all he wanted he'd find an easier fuck at his school with no strings attached! It's more and he told me!

Sure he did. Tim used you from the outset. But keep on believing him. I'm not gonna stress myself out with concern for your happiness when you're clearly fine being Amber.

He doesn't use me! He can't leave me cuz he loves me and wants to be with me and the same for me. How is that using?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T TREAT SOMEONE YOU LOVE THE WAY HE TREATS YOU!!! Jesus Christ, Betty! He kissed his ex, said he didn't care if you came down for vday, and ignores you til he wants to fuck you! THAT ISN'T LOVE!!!! And you KNOW it isn't cuz you said last night how good Sally was for me! You know that's how things SHOULD be; NOT how they are with you and Tim!

Betty, Tim IS using you, and very badly too. But if you can't see it on your own, then nothing I can say will make you see it. I'm sorry that I can't open your eyes.

You fucking used Sally twice! And now you realize her worth to you; how are you any different from Tim? It took a year and another go-around fuck to make you stop using her.

You have nothing to say to that? The only diff with you is Tim knows he loves me and wants to be with me but is scared. You took a year to realize while Sally stayed in love with you hoping; I'm staying in love and hoping. Sally allowed you to use her John that was her only way to get you back. How is my strategy any different?

First difference? I HURT her, ONCE. I didn't USE her REPEATEDLY. More importantly, I've been trying to make it up to her ever since. Tim STILL treats you like an inconvenience. I stopped talking to my ex for Sally; Tim went to his ex's new year's party and kissed her rather than be with you. I went out of my way to make Sally's vday special and romantic; Tim didn't care if he saw you or not. Don't EVER compare me to that asshole piece of shit again, because a mistake is all we have in common. We REACTED differently.

The difference is you realize it now and are making up for it. Tim hasn't realized it yet. And it took you a year to realize so Tim's not far behind. And he knows he's wrong; he doesn't deny it. He shows his guilt well when we're together. We're not a couple and that my problem; I want him to treat me like we are but he isn't.

I'm done with this. Sally wasn't up my ass the year we were apart. She got hurt, but I never mistreated her. The ONLY thing even CLOSE to being the same is that you and Sally got hurt. But she got hurt once, and you have over and over. And if I hurt her again, she'd be gone. But you can't understand that concept, can you? No, you just go right on believing your fairy tale. I am SHAKING with rage right now, and the only reason I'm not calling is my throat hurts. NEVER compare me to him again.

Tim loves me and wants to be with me; if he didn't he wouldn't still be here. You didn't love her you left her alone. He won't leave me alone.

A conversation

"l've lost my heart along with my mind... John you were a great friend and I love you as a friend and Sally is great for you."

"Were?" I still AM a great friend! Right?

I am, were, or was... I am going to be nothing.

Why aren't you going to be anything? I'm confused...

I hate my life so much

Why? Cuz of Tim? Please. He's been no good to you since the outset.

No he adds to it but it's more than him.

Well then make a change sweety. You have the power to make your life better. And you always have me here to help too.

What was the outset?

The outset of what?

I don't know you wrote it about Tim? I was re-reading the texts I'm so sorry I was real drunk. lol I was not thinking clearly.

I wrote WHAT about Tim? You're not making any sense... are you STILL drunk?

lol I don't fuckin' know anymore egh nevermind. But last night was awesome. Tim and I had sex for 2 hours straight the prolonged orgasm was phenominal.

That's wonderful. Thanks for making me fear for your life last night only to tell me you're still fucking the guy that's fucking you over. That's just... yeah, thanks. Whatever.

I'm sorry; I wasn't suicidal last night. I was upset about my future; meg hurt my feelings by saying there's no way UMDCP will accept me. It was a low blow and I was angry and drunk thinking that I'm not good enough. Bad combo.

You said you lost your heart and mind. That I "was" a good friend. That you didn't have a future. That you hated your life, and Tim added to that hate. Whatever.

Nothing was directed at Tim. I was with him at his school.

I've lost my heart; my mind is so back and forth and here and there; it's lost and last night I felt like I was nothing cuz meg made me feel like shit.

Yeah? If you were with Tim all night, why didn't you talk to HIM about how miserable you felt? Oh, right. He just uses you for sex and probably wouldn't really care. How healthy for you.

He doesn't use me for sex! If that's all he wanted he'd find an easier fuck at his school with no strings attached! It's more and he told me!

Sure he did. Tim used you from the outset. But keep on believing him. I'm not gonna stress myself out with concern for your happiness when you're clearly fine being Amber.

He doesn't use me! He can't leave me cuz he loves me and wants to be with me and the same for me. How is that using?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T TREAT SOMEONE YOU LOVE THE WAY HE TREATS YOU!!! Jesus Christ, Betty! He kissed his ex, said he didn't care if you came down for vday, and ignores you til he wants to fuck you! THAT ISN'T LOVE!!!! And you KNOW it isn't cuz you said last night how good Sally was for me! You know that's how things SHOULD be; NOT how they are with you and Tim!

Betty, Tim IS using you, and very badly too. But if you can't see it on your own, then nothing I can say will make you see it. I'm sorry that I can't open your eyes.

You fucking used Sally twice! And now you realize her worth to you; how are you any different from Tim? It took a year and another go-around fuck to make you stop using her.

You have nothing to say to that? The only diff with you is Tim knows he loves me and wants to be with me but is scared. You took a year to realize while Sally stayed in love with you hoping; I'm staying in love and hoping. Sally allowed you to use her John that was her only way to get you back. How is my strategy any different?

First difference? I HURT her, ONCE. I didn't USE her REPEATEDLY. More importantly, I've been trying to make it up to her ever since. Tim STILL treats you like an inconvenience. I stopped talking to my ex for Sally; Tim went to his ex's new year's party and kissed her rather than be with you. I went out of my way to make Sally's vday special and romantic; Tim didn't care if he saw you or not. Don't EVER compare me to that asshole piece of shit again, because a mistake is all we have in common. We REACTED differently.

The difference is you realize it now and are making up for it. Tim hasn't realized it yet. And it took you a year to realize so Tim's not far behind. And he knows he's wrong; he doesn't deny it. He shows his guilt well when we're together. We're not a couple and that my problem; I want him to treat me like we are but he isn't.

I'm done with this. Sally wasn't up my ass the year we were apart. She got hurt, but I never mistreated her. The ONLY thing even CLOSE to being the same is that you and Sally got hurt. But she got hurt once, and you have over and over. And if I hurt her again, she'd be gone. But you can't understand that concept, can you? No, you just go right on believing your fairy tale. I am SHAKING with rage right now, and the only reason I'm not calling is my throat hurts. NEVER compare me to him again.

Tim loves me and wants to be with me; if he didn't he wouldn't still be here. You didn't love her you left her alone. He won't leave me alone.

Hi Everybody!

It's been some long time since I posted here, huh? It sucks to think that this may be the last one, not by my choice, but because blogger seems to be forcing this Google switch-over, and my best bud in the whole world Jackson lost his entire blog in attempting to do so. So this might all be gone the next time I try to post. Bummer, right?

That said, there's been a good bit going on with me since I last wrote here. I finally quit my job waiting tables, thank GOD. I've been so much happier since I left, and it's only been 4 weeks! I didn't realize how miserable that place had made me. But now I'm free, and working at a bank as a teller/new accounts person, so that's pretty cool. I'm hoping to sasche my way into an assistant manager position by the end of the year, but we'll see if that happens. It's all good at the moment though.

I find time to be my biggest factor now. I worked only 25ish hours a week at the restaurant, and I'm pulling 40 now. So you figure that's an extra 3 hours/weekday that I'm working, which is kind of a bummer. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to juggle girlfriend, martial arts classes, and business classes. And I half want to find a part-time 2nd job! AND I have to have time to write role-playing adventures! So, yeah, I feel like time is fleeting these days; once I get into a routine, I think I'll be better able to relegate it though, and live in the moment. The trouble with trying to save time is that you can't; you can only spend it. But you can spend it foolishly or wisely. I intend to spend it wisely, but so much has changed in the past month I'm still trying to find a rhythm.

I'm fairly enamoured with my girlfriend; she's an amazing chick who has more in common with me than I ever thought possible. Our three-month anniversary is coming up and we haven't even fought yet, which is incredible. (Most of my relationships don't make it to the three-month mark.) Sure, we've had a "talk" or two, but they weren't arguments by any stretch of the imagination; they were really nothing more than just a kind of feeling-out of where each other is coming from. And I've known her for a long time too, so I'm fairly confident that there's no nasty surprises coming my way. I must admit, though, that it's intimidating to think that I might have found the right one. It was barely more than a year ago that I learned to be happy being single and revelled in the prospect of being able to date whoever I wanted. And now I find myself settling down. It's strange... But fear has driven much of my life, and I won't let it drive this relationship. If we don't work out, then we don't, but I'm not going to let my anxieties get the better of me like I have in the past.

I think all of that is part of this whole "growing-up" kick I'm on. It's not that I'm leaving behind my child-like ways. I'm still saving (SAVING!) to get a PS2 again; I'm role-playing again. I'm still doing all the things that I like to do. I guess I'm just realizing that those things have to be given equal, if not secondary, status to doing adult things like having a real job with benefits and saving for retirement and a house and stuff. That's daunting too, but it's been past-time that I get my act together. I've had people try to tell me that, but I didn't listen at the time; I don't think I could've then. I couldn't understand. I had to come to that realization on my own. I guess that holds true for most people...

Anyhoo, in the event that this whole life-history from the past few years DOES get deleted by my forced-switch to a google-based blogger, I want to thank all my readers. It's funny, because this is mostly for me, but there are definite times when I'm speaking to one or more of you, rather than simply recording my thoughts. You're as much a part of this blog as any word or sentence I type. So, thanks. And hopefully, I'll see you here next time!