Waiting

Okay folks, I'm going to give you a little insight into the person who's taking your order and bringing you food. But you have to promise not to use this information against us, okay?

There are times when you, as a customer, will do nothing wrong, but we'll still get bent out of shape. I don't know if it's because we're working, or because we're relating to you as a customer. I don't know. But I'll give you an example. "More Bread." No phrase makes my blood boil as quickly as that request. It doesn't matter how nicely it's worded; I start simmering. And I can't explain it. When I go to Outback, I like their bread (more precisely, I like their honey-butter). And I don't think they give enough of it, so I occasionally ask for more. From an objective, human standpoint, I see nothing wrong with that request. However, when I'm working, and you're my customer, you could be the best customer I've had all night. We'll be laughing and having fun and yadda yadda "Could I have more bread?" And that's it. That's all she wrote. You immediately lose your "best customer of the night" status. And I don't know why. I can not explain it. But that's how it is, and it isn't just me either. I'm just putting it out there so you, as potential customers, can realize that if your server is suddenly not as jovial as they were just a moment ago, it's not necessarily because of something you, or anyone else, has done. We're just moody like that. I'm not saying don't ask for more bread, because I have every intention of continuing to do it when I'm a customer. I'm just using it as an example of how little things might anger us.

Here's another pointer. We like tables that are in good moods. Nothing puzzles us more than waiting on a couple, or a group of people, who're clearly pissed off. Why go out to eat then? Stay home and stew in your own juices; don't make us suffer too. But there are limits to what we can put up with on the job. Good mood means you crack the occasional joke, or are able to laugh at ours. It does not mean trying to make jokes the entire time we're at your table so we can't get a word in edgewise. It doesn't mean prevent us from serving the rest of your party because you insist on being the center of attention. And for God's sake, if the restaurant is busy, be polite and jolly, but don't force us to be at your table longer than necessary. Please be aware that we have other tables we need to take care of, and that your joke about the three blonds in the cab is preventing us from doing just that.

You want to stay on your server's good side? Here's a few quick, basic pointers that (with the exception of inexplicable bread-like nuances) will keep you there:

1) Be polite to us; we're people to. Ask us for whatever you'd like; don't say "I need" or "get me." Your dog fetches things, not us.

2) Pay attention to us. I can't speak for every server, but I did the math one time, and unless you've eaten out for 3 meals a day every day for the past 20-something years, I've waited on more tables than you've eaten out. I know what I'm doing; I know how to make things go smoothest. I'm willing to change my routine if that's what you insist upon, and you might not notice a difference, but it does complicate my life which could have repercussions down the line when you or someone else needs something. Here's a general layout of how I wait tables. I say hi. I ask you what you'd like to drink. Before I leave to get your drinks, I read you the specials. The reason I do drinks first, is because if I do specials first, then drinks, you forget what the specials were while you're thinking about your drinks and I wind up having to reread them all over again. If you want wine with dinner, I know that in the old-school way of thinking, the type of wine you get depends on the dinner. (That doesn't really apply anymore; people should get wine they like, regardless.) If that's the case, then just get a water for now, and tell me that you'll be getting a wine with dinner. No problems. Oh, and please, please pay attention when I'm doing the specials. Nothing is more frustrating than someone reading their menu while I'm doing my thing, and then being hammered with 20 questions by that person later because they weren't listening the first time.

3) Drinks. Be mindful of how much you drink. If I've refilled your drink twice before your appetizers come up, that's too fast. Do you drink that much at home? Of course not. Let's not play "beat the server" okay? And if you do drink a lot, you know you do. Tell us up front, so that we can bring you two glasses, or a pitcher or something. Don't make us run back and forth when you could help minimize it.

4) Don't ask for bread. This is not to be confused with "more bread," which, as infuriating as it is, I fully understand your doing so if that's what you want. But don't ask for bread at the outset. If your meal comes with bread, you'll get it. If you got salads, bread might come a little after the salads, because it takes a few minutes to finish cooking our par-baked bread; much less time than it does to throw lettuce on a plate. And if you got sandwhiches, your bread will be part of the sandwhich. You don't need french bread to go with your hamburger.

I guess that's it for now; I had one of my best friends ask if he could crash the dinner my mom and I are having for her birthday, which means he probably has something on his mind or at least needs some company, so I'm going to go prepare for his arrival. (Light the candles and bury the bodies and whatnot.) Until my next bitch-session...