End of feelings

For this particular issue, anyways. So here's the final tally as far as me and my recently-ex girlfriend are concerned. I met up with her today to re-exchange loaned things, talk in person, etc. For probably the first half hour we talked as though nothing had happened. Finally, at a lull, I brought up the topic of us for discussion

It's funny, because one of the things she's noticed about me is that I'm arrogant. She always claimed that she wasn't bothered by it, but just noticed that it was a facet of my personality. What's funny, to me, is that I'm not as arrogant as she might think. I am arrogant, don't get me wrong, but there are times I know when to down-play myself. For example, I totally disagree with her reasoning for why things weren't working between us. She basically said that I was too needy, needed to grow up some, and that if I were to freak out over something as trivial as work, she didn't feel like she could turn to me with a major issue that she couldn't handle because she was worried how I would take it. My thoughts to that are 1) I'm only needy in the sense of wanting to be able to talk to someone about my life. I used the console/council terms earlier because I was trying to play on words; they sound alike. I didn't really need consoling about my job, I just wanted to vent. 2) I probably do need to grow up some. I'm not going to deny that. But I also feel that there are some ways in which I shouldn't grow up, and that in a lot of other ways I'm more grown up than a lot of people. (Incidentally, she admitted her own childish tendancies too, and commented that that's probably why we have fun together, so I didn't take that as quite the insult as the last one.) 3) I have broad shoulders. There isn't really anything in the world that I can't handle. I wasn't freaked out about work, I just wanted to talk about it. I got a little miffed when I was brushed aside, but that was over a less trivial thing than work, and I still wouldn't say I freaked out. So I could very easily have been there for her when needed.

However, I kept those three points internalized. I didn't dispute her rationale. Why? Because I, too, felt like it was time for us to break up. And given that, there is no reason for me to debate her reasons for wanting to split only to turn around and say that we should, but that my reasons are better for such-and-such reasons. If we are going to split, I would rather have the fault laid on me and have her be okay (emotionally undamaged, not mad, not hurt, etc.), than get back into a finger-pointing contest. The ironic thing is that, from both of our Points of View, we are agreeing to separate because we don't feel like we can turn to the other in our times of need. I can handle big stuff, but feel I can't turn to her for mundane things, and she can handle mundane things, but feels she can't turn to me for big stuff. I'm not sure, but I believe that's the textbook definition of irony. The other reason that I didn't debate her thinkings on this is that she might have equally sound debates against my thinkings. You know, like this was all just the result of one big understanding. I didn't want that to come to light either, because I still feel like we should be broken up. As a couple, we don't work.

As friends, however... It seems that I got what I wanted in being able to be single, and yet have her in my life as a friend. Not just a 'friend' as a dismissal, but as a real friend. We parted on excellent terms, weren't together for all that long, really, and weren't exactly going crazy with the physical intimacy either. lol, she actually offered to drive me tonight for my drinking binge. (didn't bother to tell her I was drinking 'cause of the break-up; I'm not that torn up about it, but I feel like it's something I should do to re-establish my bachelorhood.) But I need a week or two to extract the "girl" from "girlfriend," so I passed on the offer. (I already have a designated driver anyway; I'm arrogant, not stupid.)

All of this, to be honest, exemplifies a very Taoist attitude. The more you mess with things, the more trouble you cause, and if you let things go, you'll find out that they work out how they have to in the end, and that you really couldn't have done any better even if you'd tried. More than once I was confronted with the fact that I didn't want a relationship but wanted her in my life. I tried to keep it as friends up front. We tried to step back after we became a couple. There was at least one more time when I almost broke up with her 'cause I didn't feel like I could put into the relationship what she deserved, and that we would simply be better as friends. But in each case, my actions (or planned actions) were contrary to what felt natural. We didn't stay friends up front because it didn't feel right. We didn't stay "just dating" after stepping back because it was too weird. I didn't break up with her and try to be friends 'cause I knew she wanted more (at the time) and I didn't want to hurt her. And, after all that has transpired, we are exactly where I wanted us to be; where I felt we should be. And I don't think I could have brought that around any better if I had tried. So maybe I'm not that arrogant and immature after all... Good night everyone. I have an evening of imbibing ahead of me.