The brush off

You know, one of the reasons that I've felt I don't need a "special someone" in my life (I'm not dogmatically opposed to the idea; I just don't see it as a necessity to have a complete and happy life) is that I have lots of "special someones" found in my family and friends. But between the start of this summer and the coming end of this summer, I'll have had 2 friends get married and 3 more get engaged. I've had friends move away, I've had friends change themselves so they don't anger their significant others, I've had friends be unable to hang out because they're attached at the hip to their significant other, and, most recently, had a friend bail on plans because his significant other didn't want to go.

Part of the reason that I'm not very anxious to meet anyone special is because I have no desire to change anything of who I am, what I like, or what I do for anyone else, and that that's part of the reason that I've come to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, I won't find anyone special. I'm not gonna change myself for anyone else, and it really bothers me to watch people I care about do just that. Are people so afraid to be alone? Are they so petrified of not having someone that they sacrifice the one thing they posess that no one else does, their identity, for the sake of pleasing someone who doesn't appreciate that same one thing? It boggles my mind, and to be honest with you, I'm tired of trying to comprehend it. I griped about my ex twice on here. 3 months since we got together (4 if you wanna stretch times and terms), we're not together anymore. It's not that hard. When you fight, about the same things, over and over, and neither side yields, and neither side sees why the other side feels how they do, then that should be it.

So what now? I guess this is one of those things that I have to accept I can't change. Does that mean I'm not supposed to try? If I know someone isn't right for one of my friends, do I tell them? Do I tell them a second time? When I see them acting differently around said person, do I call them out? When I hear about the same fights over and over again, do I continue to offer the same advice?

My friends are my family, and they mean the world to me. I honestly had no fears about growing older alone because always felt that my friends would be there for me, and that we'd hang out once in a while, and that would take care of the social interactions of my life. But I'm less and less sure that that's a possibility... And I want my friends to be happy, I do, and if that means they spend their time with someone besides me, then so be it. But at what cost? If they change themselves, or their likes, or their habits, are they truly happy? If my friends are going to leave me behind for a special relationship, I would at least like it to be someone compatible to them.

Going deeper, beyond myself and my immediate woes, human jealousy and mistrust are to blame for this phenomenon. How many of you out there used to hang out with your friends all the time, and now you have dinner at home with your spouse (or whoever) every night, and if you talk to your friends on the phone once a week, you're lucky? Why is that? Why can't we continue our friendships even as we court someone else? Why must we choose between one and the other? Especially once we start living together? What's wrong with taking 1-2 nights a week to hang out with friends, when you see the other person every. other. waking. moment. of the day that you aren't at work? What are we losing granting to nights out to our spouses? It's the fear that they aren't out with their friends, but that they're cheating on us. The fear that if they're not cheating, they'll find someone better suited to them than we are. And, of course, that fear is silly because if they do find someone better for them, someone more naturally suited to their likes and dislikes, shouldn't that be something we accept? But no, the fear of that drives us to change ourselves even more. And the cycle of changing, of submitting, of mistrusting, of captivating, and everything else continues until we dislike who we become so much, and we're so miserable with our lives, that we either 1) get a divorce (what's the current rate in this country? Isn't in the 60% range?) or for the less legally involved couples, 2) have an explosive break-up in which we blame the other person for everything we've done for them and we hate them for as long as we can remember. If people could find happiness within themselves, instead of looking for it elsewhere, then 1) we could remain truer to ourselves and be with a "special someone" only when they were truly a good match, 2) be far less likely to cheat on anyone since we'd be truly happy sharing a life with the person who matched us, 3) there'd be less animosity over past relationships that reached the above-mentioned breaking point, and 4) we wouldn't be so desperate to have someone and could actually enjoy the things life has to offer.

But, we won't do that, will we? No, we'll remain suspicious of our loved ones, always wondering what their intentions are when they aren't around us. Always thinking that maybe we could have done something better, done something different, to make them loves us more or longer. We'll cling to them, and force them to conform to our ideal, and suffocate whatever individuality drew us to them in the first place. We're all insecure, panicky teenagers. The human race is fucking clown shoes.

Return of the Jedi

Not that I think I'm a jedi... well, not yet anyway. Yes, I'm well aware that I'll never have a lightsaber, and that odds are that I won't ever be able to "use the force." But I think that one day I can feel it; that I'll be able to make the choices that are the right ones for me to make, without having to think them through or over-analyze them. And I hope that I can one day have the sense of inner-peace that seems to permeate those Mr. Lucas dubbed 'Jedi.'

I am making headway. I'm a calmer person than I used to be, and I'm taking strides in cutting back on the materialism fostered by American society. I've been practicing meditating, which is no easy task for me. Not only is it very difficult for me to sit still, but my mind moves a mile a minute too. Emptying my thoughts is... well, difficult. I keep thinking of something or another, dwell on it for five minutes, shake myself back to nothingness, then repeat the process with something else. I've also realized that, in knowing myself better, I know longer have to defend the things I do or the decisions I make. I do and make them while being true to myself, and because I know that, I don't have to rationalize my actions to others. That's difficult to do for me as well; I like being right, like thinking that I have a leg-up on things. And when someone disagrees with me, it's hard to simply let them disagree without trying to sway them to my point of view. It's the philosopher in me, vs. the taoist. The philosopher wants to argue and debate and convince; the taoist just wants to be, and, ideally, to have fun whilst being.

I intend to start trying to volunteer my time more too. There's a lot of people out there that could use some help, and though I understand I can't help everyone, there are things that I can do to help some people. I have one or two more things I have to touch-up as far as a schedule is concerned, then I'm going to try to start helping out at a shelter or food drive or something. I've even stopped playing with my car, and I'm reselling the parts that I bought for it. Slowly, but surely, I'm learning to turn away from distractions and become the man that I'm supposed to be. So that's exciting. Sleep calls now though, and I must harken to it. I will try to post more... for what that's worth. G'night all!