Resolution

I talked with my friend tonight; the one who I felt betrayed and abandoned me, for those I've talked to about her (for those I haven't, the story is basically a moot point now). I had to get a lot off of my chest, which I did so tonight, but I was finally able to do it in-person, which I think would have saved a lot of grief had the entire situation been done in-person (vs letters or texts, which can be misunderstood or misinterpreted). Things are back to the way they were (more or less), which is good, because she was well on her way to being a "best" friend before all the late unpleasantness happened. I think it is very fortunate for our friendship that I do place so much value on the word "friend." Once someone has earned that title, it is very difficult for them to do something so damaging that it is forever revoked. It is the fact that I called her a friend that made me not only willing, but eager to resolve things and try to get back to the way they were. I won't pretend that I'm 100% trusting again; it will be a long time before I can forget the hurt that was visited upon me. But steps have been taken in that direction, and tonight went a long way towards that happening.

Friggin' SWEET!

I was a booty-call! Boo-yah!

Lost...

I feel lost at life right now. I mean, I know what I want to do with my life, but I can't seem to stay focused on making it happen. I console myself with the thought that if my life were entirely goal-driven, I'd miss out on a lot. And I suppose that's true, but I feel like it's just an excuse I'm making for myself. Maybe not... I want to be a martial arts instructor someday, and I feel like I'm not attending classes as often as I should to justify having that as a legitimate goal. But on the same note, I feel like martial arts, perhaps moreso than anything else, should not be rushed; there should not be a "finish line" that I'm in a hurry to get to. And yet I am. I'm tired of waiting tables. I'm tired of not having a "career." But the one that I know I want is still many years away. ... I suppose that's true regardless of how often I attend classes. Just because I might learn the motions faster doesn't mean I'd be any better at applying them. I think that's something that only comes with time. And practice. I dunno.

I feel lost with my friends too. I find myself wondering how well I really know anybody that I call friend. And it makes me sad, because the reason I'm not afraid to be single is because I felt that my friends would always be there for me, and so I'd never be "alone." But after this week... even friendship seems so fragile...

In a previous post ("God Friend"), I claimed that true friendship is the divine manifested in our lives. But if that's the case, it shouldn't be able to be cast aside so easily... ...

"I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. ...In fact, I mean not to..."

Realizations

I've often considered myself blessed with friendship. I have a great number of friends that I would consider to be true friends; friends who are there for me through thick and thin. ...But I'd never realized that my personality left me vulnerable to fake forms of friendship. People... some people become my friend because of what I can do for them, or how I make them feel. And I'm only now realizing that that has happened mulitple times in my life.

Most recently was a woman friend of mine. We'd been coworkers for two years, began to get close over the summer, and were exceptionally close over the last month or two. She was smitten with another guy, and hounded by a baby-daddy. I was her sounding board, and her strength. I told her that I was getting interested in her as more than a friend, and I needed to back off in order to maintain the friendship. ... She told me that my admission of feelings had shattered her trust in me and ruined our friendship, and that we couldn't be friends anymore.

This was devastating to me, because I can't fathom discarding any of my friends so callously. And it was only the advice of another friend that helped me to get over it.

He told me that she was using me. Maybe it was intentional; maybe it wasn't. But whichever the case, she liked having me there. She liked that I was at her beck-and-call whenever she needed me, and that she didn't have to really invest anything in return. She liked that I was in a sort-of in-between area, where she could treat me like a friend and be treated in return like a girlfriend. And when I realized that and opted to change it, she acted like I did something wrong so she wouldn't have to deal with it.

I didn't want to believe him. It's not the first time I've been in this situation with a woman, and it's not the first time I had people tell me I was being walked on. I didn't believe it the other times either.

The reason that I didn't want to believe all those people is because people said the same thing about April, and I know for a fact that April never used me. April is my friend, pure and true.

And then I realized that was the difference between April and the other girls... April is my friend. When things got tough, or weird, she didn't discard me. She didn't keep me around when times were great, and abandon me when I told her (repeatedly) that I liked her. April remained my friend, and these other ladies were all-too-ready to let me go.

April liked me for me, not because of how I made her feel...

Thank you, April, for being my friend.