Fear is a path to the dark side...

Inspired by a post written by a friend of mine, I, too, shall lay my fears out here for all to see.

-I am afraid that I have already lost that which I held most dear
-I am afraid that the overwhelming desire to reclaim that which I've lost will cause me to place myself in jeopardy
-I am afraid of what those first two fears say about my character
-I am afraid that my arrogance and relentlessness in offering advice will one day drive away all I care about
-I am afraid that I will never be financially independant
-I am afraid of being accused of conforming
-I am even more afraid of actually conforming
-I am afraid of a tall, angry step-dad
-I am afraid of being misunderstood
-I am afraid that the steps I'm taking to get my life in order won't be enough
-I am afraid that I will never be a good enough martial artist to deserve to teach it to others
-I am afraid of waiting tables for the rest of my life
-I am afraid that my brother will become lost in life
-I am afraid that any number of my friends will get hurt, be it physically or psychologoically, and worse still, that maybe I could somehow have prevented it
-I am afraid of my desires
-I am afraid that I will never be the man I wish to become
-I am afraid of repeating past mistakes
-I am afraid of repeating the mistakes of others
-I am afraid of giving bad council to those I care about
-I am afraid of confrontation
-I am afraid that trying to overcome that fear will lead me to unneccessary and dangerous confrontation
-I am afraid of my delusions of grandeur
-I am afraid of hurting someone
-I am afraid of being wrong

There is, however, a light at the end of this tunnel. There are things that many people fear of which I am not afraid.

-I am not afraid of dying; to die would be a great adventure
-I am not afraid of being alone; I understand that the fear of driving away all that I care about is irrational, and that I will always have my friends and family to turn to
-I am not afraid of the opinions of the "they"
-I am not afraid to be unique, even strange
-I am not afraid to be myself and follow my own course, even if it lacks things that most consider important
-I am not afraid to love; three months of love have dwarfed every other experience in my life
-I am not afraid to hope
-I am not afraid to ask for help

All-in-all, I would rather those lists be what they are, than reversed...

Non-Atheism

Atheism has always puzzled me. Maybe it's because I was raised fairly hard-core catholic (I don't consider myself to be nearly so catholic these days), but I personally can't fathom a world without some sort of God/Creator. I can't possibly go into the woods, or look up at the stars, or find someone that I connect so inexplicably well with, and NOT think that it was all somehow made by something. Of particular puzzlement are atheist fatalists. If they believe in fate, that our entire lives are already mapped out and free will is just an illusion, ... WHO DO THEY THINK MAPPED IT OUT?!

I type all of this because I know God exists. Not 'believe;' not 'trust;' I know one does. I know because I've spoken with him no less than three times. And I don't mean that I hear voices in my head. (I mean, I do, but those are the ones telling me to kill all my guy friends so that there are more women for me. That's not God; that's just my Id.) But I've felt overwhelming positive emotions that were not my own during times of great stress and reflection. The first was long ago, back in the days I went to church at least quasi-regularly. I can't remember what I was depressed or upset about, but I remember turning my head to the side of the church, and sunlight just shone through the window, and I started crying (that's actually been the common reaction to all three experiences). I had no reason, it was just sunlight; but somehow there was a presence there, assuring me that things would be fine.

The second time (that I can remember) involved when I was having a hard time with a friend of mine (among other things). I felt like his attitude was so self-serving and self-pitying and self-loathing that I couldn't be friends anymore, and that his feelings were so ingrained in his nature that I couldn't help him with them either (despite my best efforts). In this particular instance, I tried meditating to come to a solution, but at some point during my meditation, I considered what it would be like to actually converse with God about the problem. And I envisioned him sitting in chair in front of me, and I began to hold what I very much felt was a dialogue with him. I didn't so much "hear" his answers to my unspoken questions or thoughts; rather I just felt/thought the replies. But I distinctly remember that there were answers, and that they were phrased from a first person point of view (His). Again, tears came, in this case because the compassion and forgiveness emmanating from the presence was so overwhelming, that what I'd often considered to be the good amount of compassion that I posess was belittled.

The most recent time was just this week. I was having a terrible time over a woman, and the short version is that now is not the right time for us, and I felt like I either had to risk getting into some severe trouble because of her, or else try to be something I wasn't. Neither choice seemed the right one, but I was (am) so enrapt with her, that I felt like those were my only two options. Seeking council, I went to church hoping to find a confession time in the near future. When there weren't any, I simply went into the chapel to pray by myself. I wasn't in there for more than 5 seconds when I started to cry. (This time, it was a blend of everything from feeling guilty for having been away so long, feeling loved as though I was reunited with my parents after a long journey, and feeling hope that things would be fine.) And, again, I prayed, and again, the answers came to me. My dilemma existed because of two reasons. 1) I was afraid to lose this girl, and it was making me act in ways contrary to my nature. 2) I wanted to feel like she somehow needed me, and that she wouldn't be able to get by without me. And in praying, I realized that neither of those are good feelings to have. She will most certainly be okay without me for a while, and although I don't want to lose her, I can't be afraid of it to such a degree that I lose myself. And so I felt renewed and revived, and I've been in much better spirits ever since.

So I can assure you, my friends, that God does exist. I can't prove it to you, any more than you could prove you love your significant other, or that the world you live in is anything more than a dream. But I know he exists. And for those of you who are willing to walk halfway and believe, I'm willing to bet that He'd meet you halfway and reveal himself.

It's a beautiful day

And it is. Perfect weather outside... the sun's shining brightly... there's a nice breeze in the air. So why, you ask, am I sitting inside typing on a computer? Well, due to a freak accident, I'm now nothing more than an eyeball attached to a hand. You have NO idea how difficult it is to hunt-and-peck for these keys without taking my eye off of the screen to make sure I'm typing coherent sentences. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!?!

Anyhoozy, the REAL reason I'm inside typing is because I find myself confuzzled. (It's a real word; go look it up.) An old friend of mine once said "Skywalker, women say one thing, mean another, and do yet a third." And he was right. And men? Well, men are just left saying double-you-tee-eff? And that's why we play video games; it distracts us from our confuzzlement.

Well THAT'S interesting...

I know this is the most I've posted in a long time, but in (still) rereading past posts, I found an interesting... not "contradiction"... I dunno what you'd call it; irony maybe? In any event, I found a post back when I broke up with my g/f last summer, and we had disagreed on the notion of morality. She thought that other opinions shouldn't matter, and I thought that individual morality was potentially dangerous because Hitler would then be as "good" of a person as you or I. However, recently, I've promoted the concept of an individual sense of purpose and morality.

A-HA! And I just realized the difference; I just realized why I seem to be on both sides of the issue. I don't think that an individual sense of "right and wrong" is acceptable because, again, sociopaths would be 100% in the right. HOWEVER, I do believe that an individual sense of "right and wrong FOR ME" is okay, and by that I mean what is best for me. I don't proclaim the choices I make to be 'right' just because I think they are; I simply do them because I feel like they're what I'm intended to do. Maybe they're right, and maybe they're wrong. Maybe it does depend on others' point of view. ... Well, I thought I realized the difference, anyway... I dunno... Am I making a proper distinction? There should be a universal understanding of morality in the sense of how we deal with others (perhaps "ethics" more than "morality;" let's lose the religious connotation), but there should never be a universal sense of "this is what I'm supposed to do." Does that make sense?

Reminisce

I've been reading old posts a lot lately; I don't know why. But I feel like my posts of recent have taken a decidedly less philosophical turn; maybe just less introspective? I dunno. Some of my older ones took very hard looks at who I am and what I wanted to change about myself, and I feel like a lot of my newer ones are just me whining about shit. (Ironically enough, whining was always something I wanted to change about myself.)

I've been through a lot in the past year. I've done my fair share of hurting, and I've gotten my fair share of being hurt. I'm in slightly better shape now, weigh less than I have in a long time, have a more positive outlook on the possibility of love being successful... but at the same time, not much has changed. I'm still arrogant. I'm still full of self-doubt. I still make excuses to not do things that I'm afraid to do. I'm almost embarassed by it, now that I think about it. I'm almost 27, and in many ways I'm still very much like a child. (Now, some of those ways are good things, I think, but some aren't.)

I feel like I need a DRASTIC change of scenery in my life, but I'm afraid to make that change. Part of me wants to pull up stakes and move to Texas and stay with a friend of mine there until I get situated. (It's not like waiting tables is a job exclusive to maryland, you know?) And the biggest reason to not do that is because I very much like the school where I currently study martial arts, and I very much want to make teaching it my career, and so it seems counter-productive to move away and try to find a new school. But it's also partially fear. It's being afraid of what I don't know.

I've always said that one of my favorite LOTR parts is at the end of the last movie, when Sam is back in the tavern in the shire and he just walks up and kisses(?) Rosie, the gal he's pined for since the beginning. And that resonates so well with me because I imagine that's exactly how anyone would be. After undertaking a long (multi-month?) journey full of life-threatening adventures, going after a cute girl (or some other comparitively minor hurdle) would be nothing. I think I've said this here before, but that's what I want for myself. I want to go see the world, to travel, even if it's by myself, and just experience life, so that I have nothing to be afraid of anymore. Hike the Appalacian Trail or something like that. Something to make me grow up. To continue with the LOTR reference by quoting Bilbo: "I need a holiday, a very long holiday. And I don't suspect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to."

PS: I love Dear Abby. If she wasn't so old, I'd stick it in her.

FREEEEEEEEDOMMMMMM!!!!

That's what Mel Gibson said in Braveheart. Then he called everyone a dirty Jew. Or something like that.

I went out with a bunch of coworkers last night. I'd be remiss if I said I wasn't disappointed a bit, because I thought we were going to just a bar, but apparently on "Ladies' Night" it takes on a more club-like atmosphere. I'm white; I don't dance really well. And I've not been clubbing in YEARS which meant that I didn't recognize any of the songs that made everyone else shriek like banshees when they started playing. However I learned, or perhaps remembered, something vital in that outing: I'm happy being single. I was SO happy in my last relationship, that I'd forgotten that I was happy before it and, consequently, could also be happy after it. I'd forgotten how to relish (sp? I don't mean the condiment) the freedom of being unattached. And it's not to say that I felt restricted or constrained in my last relationship; far from it. But in a relationship, you have to be mindful of what the other person is thinking or feeling or wanting (or you SHOULD be mindful, anyways). And I didn't mind that, truthfully, but I had forgotten what it was like to only be accountable for me, to have my life WIDE open and to be able to do what I please.

Now, don't get me wrong, last night started in kind of a depressed funk (thanks to the loveable combination of alcohol and an already saddened mindset). It didn't help that the DJ played a song or two that reminded me of my recent ex. But at some point, I let go and started having fun and remembered what being single is all about. IT'S GREAT!

For the sake of a disclaimer, however, I feel like I should comment that I would've texted or called her last night while I was out. I say "would've" because I know myself well enough to know that alcohol would create that desire (or, more appropriately, unleash it) and so I deleted her numbers from my phone. Oh, now don't get your dander up. I wrote them down on a piece of paper before I left. I love her, and that means (for better or worse) that I'll take whatever role in her life that she'll let me play (and for now, that's of a friend. I'm not sure how that happened either; it's complicated; don't ask). So I want the numbers so that I can call her in, say, a few days to see what's new. But I didn't want to call yet; she wants space and time to do her own thing, and I'm doing everything in my power to give it to her. Which is hard; I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to get back together (a first amongst my relationships). But I'd also be lying if I said I'm craving that a little bit less after last night. Now's the time to live, and to let the future take care of itself.

"I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened."

"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time we are given."

A sad good-bye

I have traded-in Vash the 2nd. (Vash the 1st was my Saturn.) It was a hard decision to make, but, financially, one that had to be made. My payments are dropping from $600/mo (minimum of $530/mo) to $260/mo, my gas mileage will be going up anywhere from 10-15 mpg, and whatever maintenance I need should be less costly. But I will miss the Accord; it will always be Vash to me.

Vash the 3rd is an '02 Civic EX, which is a respectable little car in its own right; it just pales in comparison to what I had to step down from. The biggest things missing are my 6 CD changer (single in the Civic), the ability to roll down my windows with my keyless, heated seats, automatic climate control, radio controls on the steering wheel, and power. I've lost a lot of power (HP and & LbFt are probably both halved). Oh yeah, and IT'S AN AUTOMATIC!!!! BLECH! But it's not like I plan on keeping this car forever, nor using it for its (non-existent) performance abilities, so I suppose I can deal with driving an automatic for now. Saving $400-some a month will help my ability to deal, I think.

It was easier to say good-bye (yes, I verbally say good-bye to my cars) to the accord than I thought it would be. I suppose in light of everything else I've been through (or put myself through, I suppose, depending on one's point of view) in the past few weeks, getting rid of a car is really no big deal. But I will miss it, nonetheless. We had some good times, the accord and I, some of them airborn. It stuck its landings like an olympic champ every time. But, that era is over now, as is another. In all honesty, I hope that both are born again one day (Not in the conservative "I 'love' you but I'm going to yell at you 'cause you're a 'sinner'" Christian sense of "born again," but in the "I hope that what I have just let go of will one day come back to me" sense of things).