okay, a FEW more feelings

Just in brief, I'm still struggling with allowing the blame to rest on me for this breakup. My egocentric human viewpoint wants to assert myself and explain to her how she's completely off-base in regards to some of the things she thinks about me, but my "wannabe sage" side is trying to just let things lie. Unfortunately, that's not such an easy thing. I think it's inherent in people to want to push the blame onto others; pointing fingers is a common phrase for a reason. It's difficult to not point fingers, but I'm trying. I think it'll make me a better person in the long run.

End of feelings

For this particular issue, anyways. So here's the final tally as far as me and my recently-ex girlfriend are concerned. I met up with her today to re-exchange loaned things, talk in person, etc. For probably the first half hour we talked as though nothing had happened. Finally, at a lull, I brought up the topic of us for discussion

It's funny, because one of the things she's noticed about me is that I'm arrogant. She always claimed that she wasn't bothered by it, but just noticed that it was a facet of my personality. What's funny, to me, is that I'm not as arrogant as she might think. I am arrogant, don't get me wrong, but there are times I know when to down-play myself. For example, I totally disagree with her reasoning for why things weren't working between us. She basically said that I was too needy, needed to grow up some, and that if I were to freak out over something as trivial as work, she didn't feel like she could turn to me with a major issue that she couldn't handle because she was worried how I would take it. My thoughts to that are 1) I'm only needy in the sense of wanting to be able to talk to someone about my life. I used the console/council terms earlier because I was trying to play on words; they sound alike. I didn't really need consoling about my job, I just wanted to vent. 2) I probably do need to grow up some. I'm not going to deny that. But I also feel that there are some ways in which I shouldn't grow up, and that in a lot of other ways I'm more grown up than a lot of people. (Incidentally, she admitted her own childish tendancies too, and commented that that's probably why we have fun together, so I didn't take that as quite the insult as the last one.) 3) I have broad shoulders. There isn't really anything in the world that I can't handle. I wasn't freaked out about work, I just wanted to talk about it. I got a little miffed when I was brushed aside, but that was over a less trivial thing than work, and I still wouldn't say I freaked out. So I could very easily have been there for her when needed.

However, I kept those three points internalized. I didn't dispute her rationale. Why? Because I, too, felt like it was time for us to break up. And given that, there is no reason for me to debate her reasons for wanting to split only to turn around and say that we should, but that my reasons are better for such-and-such reasons. If we are going to split, I would rather have the fault laid on me and have her be okay (emotionally undamaged, not mad, not hurt, etc.), than get back into a finger-pointing contest. The ironic thing is that, from both of our Points of View, we are agreeing to separate because we don't feel like we can turn to the other in our times of need. I can handle big stuff, but feel I can't turn to her for mundane things, and she can handle mundane things, but feels she can't turn to me for big stuff. I'm not sure, but I believe that's the textbook definition of irony. The other reason that I didn't debate her thinkings on this is that she might have equally sound debates against my thinkings. You know, like this was all just the result of one big understanding. I didn't want that to come to light either, because I still feel like we should be broken up. As a couple, we don't work.

As friends, however... It seems that I got what I wanted in being able to be single, and yet have her in my life as a friend. Not just a 'friend' as a dismissal, but as a real friend. We parted on excellent terms, weren't together for all that long, really, and weren't exactly going crazy with the physical intimacy either. lol, she actually offered to drive me tonight for my drinking binge. (didn't bother to tell her I was drinking 'cause of the break-up; I'm not that torn up about it, but I feel like it's something I should do to re-establish my bachelorhood.) But I need a week or two to extract the "girl" from "girlfriend," so I passed on the offer. (I already have a designated driver anyway; I'm arrogant, not stupid.)

All of this, to be honest, exemplifies a very Taoist attitude. The more you mess with things, the more trouble you cause, and if you let things go, you'll find out that they work out how they have to in the end, and that you really couldn't have done any better even if you'd tried. More than once I was confronted with the fact that I didn't want a relationship but wanted her in my life. I tried to keep it as friends up front. We tried to step back after we became a couple. There was at least one more time when I almost broke up with her 'cause I didn't feel like I could put into the relationship what she deserved, and that we would simply be better as friends. But in each case, my actions (or planned actions) were contrary to what felt natural. We didn't stay friends up front because it didn't feel right. We didn't stay "just dating" after stepping back because it was too weird. I didn't break up with her and try to be friends 'cause I knew she wanted more (at the time) and I didn't want to hurt her. And, after all that has transpired, we are exactly where I wanted us to be; where I felt we should be. And I don't think I could have brought that around any better if I had tried. So maybe I'm not that arrogant and immature after all... Good night everyone. I have an evening of imbibing ahead of me.

More feelings...

Okay, I've reread this conversation now, and I'm starting to get a tad hot under the collar. I need babying because I want to vent about a bad day? What the shit is that?!? I complain about my job all the time? How many posts here are me complaining about macgregors? I know there's a few, but even if every one was about it, I don't post all that often! (With the execption of the past few days.) I mean, I could be wrong, but I really feel like she was trying to push this back on me! Make me the bad guy because its unreasonable for me to expect her to listen to my problems. That infuriates me, because yes, I get tired of listening to the same problem day in and day out for a prolonged period of time. But I only saw her 2-3 times a week. And, as I told her, I've only been really having trouble there for the past three weeks. So even if I complained every time I saw her, at best it would've been, like 7 times. But I didn't complain every time, and- you know what? This is going nowhere. My rants aren't helping. I am not wrong for wanting to vent after a stressful day, and I made the effort to try to save the relationship. I tried to admit some responsibility, but I feel like she's pushing it all on me, and that's not gonna fly 'cause I'm not entirely sure that I am at fault.

(Oh, two notes: 1) in between the time I posted the first text conversation (the actual fight) and the time I posted the second (the discussion of the actual fight/ the second fight), I did text an apology for my outburst and profess that it wasn't right for me to burden her with my problems. I tried to take responsibility and push past this, but apparently that wasn't enough. 2) My "hurt and upset" opening comment on the most recent dialogue was hours before her response. I didn't text her initially while I was with friends and then blow her off when she replied. 3) (I know I said 'two;' it's my blog, so fuck you.) 3) how can "don't bother" mean "I didn't want to interrupt your time with your friends" when it was a response to a text I had sent that said I wasn't going to interrupt my time with my friends but that I would talk to her later? Talk about trying to back-pedal! I don't even understand how that could've been the result of a misunderstanding. Let's try placing what she claims she meant into the conversation instead of "don't bother."

Me: We'll talk later. I'm with friends right now.
Her: Don't interrupt your time with your friends.

Does that seem redundant to anyone else? Okay, seriously, I'm done. I'm going to go to sleep now, and put this aaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll behind me. Good night.

The feelings to go with the text

Okay, I'm back. It's technically tomorrow, so here we go. (Oh, by the way, the first message in the earlier post was mine, then hers, then mine, etc, and the last one was mine in case you somehow lost track of the dialogue.) First, the irony exists, I think, because the things that my now ex-girlfriend considers okay to complain about, are the very things that I wouldn't complain about. Illness, death, break-ups... these are all things I can deal with, and very well. I accept them as part of life, things I can't change, and that's it. Going back to the serenity prayer; I know what I can't change, and I don't complain about it. My personal difficulties arise from the situations that I can change, but I'm not sure what to change. That's what I needed help with the other night, and that's why I feel slighted.

I'm not sure what to say about being single. I guess... I just didn't think it would end this way. It's not that I'm torn up about the fact that it ended; just how it did. After my early-May post, her and I had split for a week; returned to just dating. And I had no qualms about that, I think because I still had her in my life, and that was about all I wanted. And now? Now, I don't think I'll have that opportunity. I had, at least twice prior, tried to steer her and I towards "just friends." I think part of me knew we wouldn't succeed as a couple, but with the wanting her in my life, I thought friends would be a good solution. But she wanted more, so I gave it a shot.

I want to make it clear that I'm not bitter towards her. I am hurt, because, as I attempted to explain to her, I feel like she trivialized my emotions. And I think that no matter how well we might repair things between us, we should never get back as a couple because those facts wouldn't change: I will need someone to lean on, and she will not want to be troubled with insignificant things. Truth be told, I'm aware that problems at work are, in the long run, insignificant. But the mundane things in life are often what creep up on us and stress us out. I would one day like to evolve to the point where life doesn't stress me out, but my difference with her is deeper than that: the fact is that, whatever the reason might have been, I needed her, and she wasn't there for me. And I can't have that in a would-be girlfriend. So that's that.

I will miss her, and I do wish her the best, and, to be honest, if I could stay friends with her, I would. But I don't think she would go for that, because she hasn't in the past. And if I ever start to post about us getting back together as a couple, I'm counting on you to call me on it. Make a comment and tell me I'm dumb for trying something that clearly doesn't work. But, I know she got hurt in this, and that's the last thing I want for anyone, much less someone I came to care about. So, just to be able to say it, even though she doesn't read this and I don't think she even knows about it, I'm sorry hon. Good night everyone, until next time; take care of yourselves.

more irony

Okay, so, just fyi, here's the death throes of my relationship. This is after a day and a half of not hearing anything after my last texts.


Is it really that easy to 'give me space' when you know I'm hurt and upset?

You insulted me by calling my advice 'Dr Phil boxed bullshit.' I'm sorry that I can't be what you need when it comes to consoling.

We'll talk later. I'm with friends at the moment

Don't bother.

All I needed was for you to care what was happening in my life. You didn't even ask what happened. How can you advise me on a situation when you don't know the situation?

I'm sorry; you seem to do nothing but complain about your job. You're a smart guy and if you don't like putting up with low-level shit, then do something about it.

has changed a lot in the past three weeks. I'm sorry I'm concerned about an uncertain future and I'm sorrier still that three weeks of turbulence for me is a bother to you.

I can't change the way I was raised. I was taught that your job is your own and what happens there is up to you, and in my eyes I'M lucky to have a job and no matter what goes on I have to roll with it and ultimately when things get shakey I have to make choices.

Then I am truly sorry, because I was raised that when someone I care for has a problem, I treat it as my own. I never trivialized Becca's butchering of a song, despite that it was an easily solvable problem: go to different bar. But I listened to anything and everything you had to say. Tuesday I felt like you didn't care about me at all; that my hard times were inconvenient for you. That hurt more than you can know.

Then I guess we're at an impass. Someone being ill or hurt is a hard time; dissatisfaction with a job is a minor problem that can't be solved by complaining. I know what your saying and I know you think I'm being cold, but there are too many wonderful things in life to fret over a job. You must have to go through something like we went through this Friday. It was my mom's 4 month check up; she could have gone in and found out that her cancer was back. That's something I could console you about; not your job.

An impass it is then. Not everything in life is 'life or death.' Many things depend on our own point of view; if I see something as a problem, then, for me, it is. I will always be around if you need me. But if I can't turn to you with my problems, then we are lost. If I have to face the world alone, then I may as well be alone. I love you. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to see the world as you do.

Lighten up Chris. All I'm saying is there are things to worry about and things to let go. I would never want you to go through what my family has been through in the past year, but let me tell you this: it puts everything in its place. What's the serenity prayer? God grant me the serentity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

, I am fully aware that there are things worse than a bad day. But when I dwell on them, I feel depressed and helpless. I try to stay positive and optimistic about life, but I am only human. I am going to want to talk about bad days, even if they aren't apocalyptic. This isn't about my job anymore; its that I no longer feel like I can turn to you if I need to. I can't lighten up about that. And 'don't bother'? That only accented for me that my feelings are trivial to you.

I'm sorry you feel that way; I guess when it comes down to it we're just never going to see eye to eye on this; and if all this is an earth shattering reality to you and something that will cause us not to see each other again, then we weren't very strong as a couple in the first place.

I wanted to talk about it. You said don't bother. To me, that says that you didn't think we were worth saving. I care about you and I always will. But this is a deal breaker for me, because I feel like I only matter to you in my good times, and there's more to me than that.

I don't want to go around about this anymore; it's going nowhere. I simply meant that I didn't want to interrupt your time with your friends. I hurt you; you hurt me; whatever. Being in a relationship is obviously not right for us. I hope you can find someone that can give you the attention and care that you need. I was your girlfriend; you already have a mother and I'm not looking to replace her.

And so it ends. I wish you nothing but the best in life. I hope you find someone strong with whom to share happiness. I'm sorry it can't be me, but I hope our paths one day cross again. I meant it when I said you could always turn to me. Please don't hesitate to if you ever need to.



So that's that. I'll comment on all this tomorrow, especially why I think it's worthy of calling "more irony" (hint: It has to do with the things I'm willing to complain about.) But I just wanted to get this up for all (two) inquiring minds out there. Have a good night.

Follow up

For the record, I did wind up sending the text in quotes at the end of what I just posted, with the following addition:

"Sorry if I expected my girlfriend to give enough of a shit to probe a bit into what was bothering me before telling me that it was my problem."

I debated on whether I should send it, but communication really is the best, right? If I'm bothered by something, its better that I should say it now rather than bottle it up, right? See, last relationship (oooooh so long ago) I let myself get walked on. I didn't say a word about things that bothered me. This time? I don't care if I'm single. If I'm pissed, I'm not holding back. So I sent the text. Then I turned my phone off. I'm not in a hurry to see the response; I'll give her time to think about what was said, and how it made me feel. I hope you all have a better day than mine is ending up/starting out, depending on your POV.

Bittersweet Irony

I find a deep sense of irony that the title of my last post (nearly a month ago) is more or less echoing my current thoughts even now. But I'll get to that in a minute. First I want to gripe about work because, apparently, people in my life that I would think are willing to hear it aren't. So I pitch it out to cyberspace because, if nothing else, it at least allows me to get it off my chest.

I wait tables at a relatively small restaurant on the water. Business sucks in the winter, and rocks in the summer. This is the second time I've worked there; the first time started a tad over four years ago, and I built up seniority and finally got good shifts for a summer, and life was good. Then I graduated college, and decided to leave to find a "career." Silly me, but I digress. I went back to the restaurant part time (i.e. one day a week) about a year and a half ago. I worked just Sundays (and the occasional Saturday) throughout last summer ('04). In January of this year, I transferred from the full-time banking position I was at to a part-time position, so that I could give my restaurant (what I knew would soon be my only job again) availability during the day during the winter. Why? So I could make the whopping 5-10 bucks that such a shift yields? No, it was so I could try to re-establish some sort of seniority. And it worked... to a point. I'm now about 7th from the top on a list of roughly 16-17 servers. The (main) problem lies in the fact that we only need 13-14 servers. We have 3-4 servers extra (who are each getting about two shifts a week) and some of us senior servers are stuck with only 4 days a week. This is bullshit, because these 3-4 extra servers (and some that are needed) are going back to school in the fall. Why are they getting the shifts, when experienced, time-tested, loyal, going-to-be-around-in-the-fall servers are getting the short end of the stick? Oh, AAAAND more servers are being hired; we might be filling our restaurant manager position soon (which, because the owner is a cheap bastard, is nothing more than a server with too much responsibility who gets paid about $8/hr along with their tips; yeah, they still have to wait tables. That leaves them tons of time to address customer issues, and train, and answer questions, and due all the other things that a restaurant manager should do, right?), so that's not only one more server, but it's one more at the top of the food chain!!!! Further, one of our bussers was told that when he comes back from vacation in a week or so, he'll be promoted to a server. Yeah, that's what we need. Incidentally, he's leaving for school in the fall too. On top of all this BS, the last few refuges available to us servers (i.e. places that didn't have "security" cameras), the server station and our pathetic little eating area behind a TV, now have said spy- oops, I mean "security"- cameras. What's next? Toilet cams? He could make a fortune selling those on the internet...

This is all actually in addition to a great many changes that have happened to the place since roughly mid-January (after an employee christmas party got out of hand). And I've tried to be patient. When good employees got fired for stupid reasons, took it in stride. When shitty employees were not fired, I handled it okay. When having a cell phone on our person became prohibitted, I rolled with it. But after so long, and so many changes, and so many more, and me not even getting the shifts (and consequently, the money) that I had been expecting, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how much longer I can take this in stride. I'm running out of patience.

And here's the kicker. I try not to do too much complaining (even though I don't succeed), but, as I've said, this has built up to a point that I don't think I can handle and I'm not sure what to do. (Do I leave? That means starting over with no seniority and no guarantee of shifts elsewhere, plus no idea of how much money I'd make. Do I threaten to leave? What if they call the bluff, or simply don't care that I do? Do I stage a revolt? Overthrow the restaurant? I'd rather not be shot by the police. I'm trying to just be patient and wait for a solution, but I like my place of work less and less with each passing day.) Anyway, I needed to gripe. So I turn to my girlfriend. The text-conversation went like this:


Me: Don't know how much longer I can work here. It seems like every time I overcome something stressful, two more things take its place...

Her: Sorry to hear that, but remember, we choose our jobs and its up to us to make the most of it. If you don't like it and are having trouble dealing with the stress, its up to you to make things change.

Me: I know, but I don't know where else to go. I don't wanna just pay my bills; I wanna pay them OFF. I dunno where else I can make that money.

Her: Then honey, you'll have to suck it up, take a deep breath and remind yourself of why you're dealing with what you're doing



Her: I hope I didn't upset you, it wasn't my intention. I hope you have a good night and sweet dreams, hope tomorrow goes better than today.

Me: U didn't upset me. Lol, not much anyways. I was just in a "console me" mood rather than a "council me" one. But as often as I throw out unsolicited advice, I can't, and don't, blame you. I'll be okay. ttyl

Her: Ooh, you're upset; my sincerest apologies, butI have trouble consoling on topics that can be fixed. Try taking a step back and imagining how much worse things can get.

Me: Problem is that my imagination is paling compared to whats actually happening. It's hard to change when you don't know what to change or if you even need to. I'll be okay.

Her: Guess we'll add work to the topics we can't discuss.

Me: Yeah... we'll start a different list

Her: Well, I suppose the way things are going tonight, it might be best if I leave you alone until the shit I've stirred up settles. If you don't hear from me it's nothing personal; just giving you some space.


I don't want any fucking space!! I want a girlfriend who actually gives a shit when something in my life is screwy! I don't need a lecture about how it's up to me to change things. If I had been bitching about this topic for the past six months, then yes, I'd deserve that lecture. But my verbalizing my frustrations has been, at the longest, only over the past two weeks. Is it so wrong to want some sympathy? Fuck! I'm more than capable of changing things; truth be told, I've already started going over various scenarios that might occur if I had to leave the job, and on various terms. But I'm not trying to be over-anxious to implement them, 'cause if I hurried up and changed something in my life every time something didn't go my way, I'd have no stability! (And at this point tonight, I sure as hell wouldn't have a girlfriend anymore!) All I fucking wanted was to be able to vent! Christ, when one of the regular karaoke singers butchers another song at the bar her friend works at, I don't tell her to shove off to another bar! I empathize; "Oh, that sucks; what song now? Oh, not that one... that's a great song; is there anyone good singing tonight?" See how that works?!?

Is it me? I tried to let the topic go; I did! Twice I said "I'll be okay" and tried to let it drop. But the lecturing comments kept coming! I don't need my problems belittled! "You're going to find that many of the truths we cling to in life depend greatly on our own point of view..." (Return of the Jedi). My problem could be the most insignificant thing in the world, but the fact that I view it as a problem means that: for me? It's a problem!

I'm so much more stressed now than I was at the beginning of the night... All I wanted was a "what's wrong?" "What happened?" "Could you try doing this?" Even a friggin suggestion about what could be changed, after listening to the situation, is better than arbitrarily pointing out that its a situation I can change. Boy, thanks for the insight! I thought this was hell and that I was permanently stuck! I'm not an idiot; I'm well aware that most of the situations of my life are well within my control. But again, the question is how to exercise that control; and that's the question that I don't have an answer for; THAT'S the question that I would've excepted advice on.

"Arbitrarily pointing out that I can change something does me no good whatsoever. There are
many things I can change, but I prefer to not resort to knee-jerk reactions to things. Rather, I prefer to seek the council of those I consider myself close to. I didn't want space. I wanted 'what's wrong?' I wanted to be able to vent, to explain my situation, and then maybe get advice on how to handle it; on what to change. Not some off-the-cuff, Boxed-Dr-Phil 'you're in charge of your life' response."

Hmmm... I wonder what kind of mood that would put her in if she woke up to that in the morning.